Kerry trys to flip-flop---and does

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL

BULLETIN: On NBC News, Tom Brok (awe) and (wind) Thursday night when he interviewed John Kerry. Leaving even BILLINGSGATE in awe with his ability to take both sides of an issue, ie., flip-flop, the JOURNAL will publish the contents of the interview with no embellishments because not even a veteran wordsmith of my caliber can make Kerry's statements appear more absurd:

Brokaw: "If you had been President, Saddam Hussein would be in power."

Kerry: "Not necessarily."

Brokaw: "You said you wouldn't go to war against him."

Kerry: "That's not true. Because under the inspection process, Saddam Hussein was required to destroy those kinds of materials and weapons."

Brokaw: "But he wasn't destroying them."

Kerry: "That's what you have inspectors for. That's why I voted for the threat of force, because he only does things when you have a legitimate threat of force. It's irresponsible to suggest that if I were President, he wouldn't be gone. He might be gone, because if he hadn't complied, we might have had to go to war, but if we did, we would have gone with allies, so the American people weren't carrying the entire burden. And the entire world would understand why we did it."

BULLETIN: BILLINGSGATE feels as if he just fell off the turnip truck. A mere literary dwarf battling a giant so deft in deflecting the truth that this reporter is rendered speechless (nearly). One wonders why someone (me) would attempt to make Kerry appear ridiculous when he can do a far better job without any assistance. BILLINGSGATE rests his case.

Have a very warm and cordial weekend.

Letters to BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL

BULLETIN: Due to inclement weather, the polls will not open today despite demands by Democrats that liberals need to vote early and often. Time for Letters:

"I'm trying to think but nothing happens"........Idiot savant and ex-Vice President, Al Gore

Response: Just start yelling and no one will notice.

"I'm trying to think but nothing happens".......Senator
John Edwards, chipmunk cheeked trial lawyer.

Response: Evidently you're not as smart as the average chipmunk.

"I'm trying to think but nothing happens"...John Kerry

Response: Houston, we have problems.

BULLETIN: Sorry folks. BILLINGSGATE has a golf date that takes precedence over these idiotic letters. I'm outa here!

Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyukle Head Kerry

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL

BULLETIN: BILLINGSGATE usually doesn't need to go back to another era for comparisons. But when you have a fool like Kerry running around it's difficult to find anyone currently alive to rank him with. In retrospect, perhaps the Three Stooges merit an apology from the JOURNAL for the unfortunate analogy posted this past Monday. You got it, fellows.

Veteran reporters remember the appellation that pundits hung on California Governor Jerry Brown for his ionicspheric ramblings. If Govenor Moonbeam described Brown, what might capsulize the image of Senator Kerry? How about the Orange Oracle? If any JOURNAL readers can come up with something better, please send in your recommendations. The winning entry will receive a free one year subscription to the JOURNAL. Second place will win a two year subscription.

BULLETIN: From the Galapagos Islands comes news that the Giant Tortoises who inhabit the islands have tired of their trek. With the desperate Democrat hacks offering them drugs and easy sex to influence them to take the low road, the dignified reptiles of the order (Testudinata) issued a proclamation to notify all parties that this is the last election in which they will participate. Way to go, liberal assholes. You have ruined another noble tradition.

With CBS and the New York Times becoming even less ethical and more scurrilous in their efforts to help John Kerry defeat President Bush in next week's election, BILLINGSGATE and the JOURNAL hereby admit that our efforts to provide a counter balance to their journalistic jingoism have fallen short. Their hatred of President Bush has driven them to a depth that even Dante's Inferno can't describe. NO MAS! NO MAS!

Kerry claims Pope "incompetent."

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL

BULLETIN: Claiming that the present Pope has run the most incompetent and corrupt Vatican since Alexander VI (1492-1503) who had 7 illegimate children as a Cardinal, former Catholic altar boy and highly decorated Vietnam war veteran, John Kerry, viciously excoriated Pope John Paul II for his stand on abortion.

Kerry, the sinister, pumpkin colored, slack jawed, chicken lipped Jackal, who by way, wore a rosary when he slipped in and out of Vietnam while scoring all his medals, stands firmly on his hypocritical policy of personally being against partial birth abortion, but would guarantee voters that any new judge he nominated would have to pass the Roe vs Wade litmus test.

His defiant stand against the teachings of his beloved church has forced him to seek communion in ersatz Catholic churches that are so far from the main stream that Kerry needs a kayak to get in and out of church. The man is a conumdrum seeking yet another paradox.

Weary of such enigmatic behavior, BILLINGSGATE has sought intellectual solace by doing some light reading. To describe to mere mortals the strength I gain while browsing through Jean-Paul Sarte's, Being and Nothingness, is not possible. Sarte, who launched existentialism with this book in 1943, was the first to classify "flip-flop" behavior as gauche. Nothing more on this subject need be said.

BULLETIN: The JOURNAL is formally announcing its endorsement of George W. Bush for President.

The Three Stooges vs Bush

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL

BULLETIN: Today, Democrats opened up a three prong attack on President Bush. Resorting to antics first used back in the 1930's by Larry, Moe and Curly of the Three Stooges, their present day counterparts, Slick Willy, Al-Gore-eza and the chicken-lipped, slack-jawed Jackal are slapping, thonking and nyuk! nyuk! nyuking! each other in cities across America.

On October 22nd we celebrated the 101st birthday of the beloved Curly. Famous for the memorable Gore line, "Im trying to think but nothing happens," Curly, like Gore, enjoyed going completely nuts in his comic productions. While you could understand Curly when he was woob! woob! woobing, Gore, when he goes into his black minstrel act, is completely incomprehensible. How fitting it is that Curly and the Three Stooges are making a comeback.

Yet, when one thinks of Kerry and the other two stooges parroting the line that the African Americans were disenfranchised in Florida, one has to wonder if that dog will still hunt after four years of Kennel Rations. The JOURNAL'S intrepid reporter, "Dirty Trick" Detwiler will be covering this story in the hotly contested Florida dog pound.

With a nyuk! nyuk! here, a woob! woob! there, BILLINGSGATE promises to give you the unvarnished, the indisputable and the unprovable news. All attempts to link the JOURNAL with CBS and the New York Times will be categorically assumed true.....RRRUFFF!

Letters to BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL

BULLETIN: It is apparent that the "Blessings for Wampum Program" article has created a tempest in a tepee. Some of the letters on that and other subjects:

"BILLINGSGATE speak with forked tongue. Medicine Man never sell blessings for wampum. Bad medicine! Medicine Man trade for Kerry squaw. Long cold winter nights. Kerry squaw need red meat"....Chief Under the Table

Response: Chief, I understand that Kerry's squaw is a helluva cook. You are one shrewd Native American.

"Lone Ranger say white man's way bad. Need more wampum to buy back Manhattan from The Donald. Medicine Man need sell many blessings".....TONTO

Response: It appears that Medicine Man has better plan. Marry rich squaw and cut out the middleman.

"Christopher and I have both benefited from miraculous cures, and we will continue to make appearances for our fans. By the way, I will cast my vote for President Bush".......I ain't nothing but a hound dawg.

Response: Elvis, my man, you have made a wise choice. You obviously make more than $200,000 a year and don't want to be taxed out of business.

"BILLINGSGATE, All you ever talk about seems to revolve around your stupid tortoises. Do you really think we care whether they take the high road or the low road? Or whether they have been doped or not? Don't you have more important issues to discuss?......Teresa Heinz Kerry

Response: Your husband just shot a goose. Do you have any good goose recipes to share with Chief Under the Table?

Blessings for Wampum Program

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL

BULLETIN: In the third debate Senator Kerry, while commenting on the diversity of religious views, stated that "Native Americans who gave me a blessing the other day had their own special sense of connectedness to a higher being." That higher being, Republicans suggest, is wampum. Reports by the JOURNAL'S crack investigative reporter, Detrick "Dirty Trick" Detwiler, back up this claim.

Yes, boys and girls, wampum. The same stuff that purchased Manhattan from Native Americans some years ago is now being used to buy blessings. Shocking. Hardly. Detwiler, who claims to have honed his journalistic tendencies while interning with Gotham City's finest fishwrap, reports Kerry promised Chippewa medicine man, Under the Table, unlimited casino permits in return for his blessings. This irrefutable story is testimony to Kerry's relentless pursuit of votes by using beads, promises or whatever to purchase them.

BULLETIN: Reports of Christopher Reeve's sightings at three different Florida early polling stations have surfaced. While BILLINGSGATE is reluctant to suggest that perhaps John Edwards was correct in saying that if Kerry were president that Reeve would walk again, the fact that these reports show Reeve voting three different times is ominous. Hopefully attorneys representing GOP interests will contest these votes if necessary.

To suggest that the JOURNAL is the leader in cutting edge, factually true but not proveable reporting is only correct if the the reader assumes that CBS and the New York Times have gone out of business. While falling behind these giants in the battle for unethical supremacy, the JOURNAL makes no apologies. Competion will make us stronger in the long run.

Wide Spread Doping Feared !

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL

BULLETIN: In yesterday's edition of the JOURNAL it was mentioned that the august members of the editorial board were reviewing transcripts of conversations between Dr. Cleotus "Clete" Earlbeck and randomly selected Giant Tortoises to determine if doping might have been a factor in last Friday's migratory befuddlement.

At issue is whether the constitutional right of the tortoise to choose the high road verses the low road in predicting the outcome of the coming American election was compromised by the ingestation of mind altering substances.

Even though the casual reader might ascribe little importance to this matter, the feeling on this small but historic archipelagic enclave isn't all that different. The diminutive, but highly instinctive pygmy dwarfs who live here have little interest in the outcome of the American election. However, the use of drugs by tortoises who share their nation's roads does concern them as does the proliferation of ACLU scumbags who advise the tortoises of their rights.

BILLINGSGATE and the editorial board call upon John Kerry, Terry McAuliffe and the DNC to pull back the armada of ambulance chasers who have infested the islands in their attempt to confuse, dope and obfuscate the results of this unique election prediction process that occurs here every four years. Appeals to CBS and the New York Times to join the JOURNAL in this request have been short circuited by their corporate attorneys.

BULLETIN: Native Americans are praying for John Kerry...more later

JOURNAL nominated for Bullitzer Prize

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL

BULLETIN: The recent JOURNAL report, "Kerry proposes Children's Crusade," has brought long over due recognition to BILLINGSGATE. With today's announcement by Columbia University's Bullitzer Prize review board, BILLINGSGATE was notified formally that the Children's Crusade story was under consideration for this most prestigious journalism award.

For those unaware of the history behind the award, Austrian born Julius "My Boy" Bullitzer stood out as the very embodiment of today's trendy journalism that holds nothing sacred while flying blind to the truth. Never shrinking when faced with the distortion of facts to fit the story, he reshaped crooked, partisan journalism in America.

BILLINGSGATE is honored to be considered in this competition that has been dominated by the New York Times the past 50 years.

BULLETIN: The forthcoming announcement of the JOURNAL'S endorsement of a presidential candidate has been delayed. Members of the editorial board are reviewing transcripts of conversations that Dr. Cleotus "Clete" Earlbeck had with the Giant Tortoises this past Friday. There is some concern that the noble tortoises might have been drugged by liberal Kerry ideologues who have been seen loitering in this Galapagos Island enclave....Developing story.

STOP THE PRESSES !

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL

STOP THE PRESSES: Breaking away from years of conservative based political philosophy, the New York Times today announced that the paper is endorsing Senator John Kerry for President. Befuddling even veteran political correspondents, even BILLINGSGATE, the Grey Lady shocked the world with its announcement. For a perspective, the last time the NYT endorsed a Democrat for president was way back in 2000 when they stood behind Al Gore in his unsuccessful bid for commander and chief.

Coming on the heels of CBS and its unbiased attempt to smear President Bush, one wonders how many more surprises the Bush team can take before they abandon their present election plan completely. If the inability to sway these two bastions of conservative thought are indicative of a failed or compromised GOP plan, the JOURNAL believes that the over rated political guru, Karl Rove should be replaced before it is too late.

With these standard bearers, these linchpins of journalistic hypocrisy leaning toward Kerry, the JOURNAL'S editorial staff will be meeting with Dr. Cleotus "Clete" Earlbeck in the Galapagos Islands to discuss who the JOURNAL will endorse for president. Although traditionally conservative, an attempt will be made to appear fair and balanced, just like CBS and the NYT.

Does it need to be reiterated that the JOURNAL will not be undercut by its inability to provide facts when attempting to make a point. Of course not! BILLINGSGATE has paid his dues, and like Dan Rather, can stoically stand behind a story because even though the documents were forged, the story can stand on its own feet. Folks, that's Journalism 101.

GIANT TORTOISES GO BERZERK !

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL

BULLETIN: Had an emergency call from Dr. Cleotus "Clete" Earlbeck this morning. Seems that the Giant Tortoises who live on the Galapagos Islands have gone into a hypnotic trance that reminds Dr. Earlbeck of the trance lemmings go into before they embark on their suicidal march.

As longtime JOURNAL readers know, Dr. Earlbeck has used the tortoises to successfully guage the outcome of the last sixteen presidential elections. Whether the tortoises take the high road or the low road in their migration indicates which way the election will turn. As reported earlier, the plodding amphibians were meandering at the crossroads of their journey, going round and round, trying to figure this election out.

Suspecting at first that the tortoises had gotten into some wacky tabacky, the good doctor had them tested for drugs. Although all tests proved negative, the search for truth didn't cease. Sensing that the tortoises might have broken their pledge not to watch the debates so to remain nuetral, he allowed them to watch a rerun of the last debate. Upon seeing John Kerry, their symptoms were exacerbated twofold. Proving his hunch, he turned off the TV and the tortoises immediately came down from their hypnotic trance and headed once more for the high road.

BILLINGSGATE has never suggested that liberals be subjected to brain washing. However, in the original BYLAWS it was suggested that they be sterilized to prevent further proliferation. If we start now, within three decades we should have them reduced to the point of merely being a nuisance. The JOURNAL has once again broken new ground in the thankless job of providing factually true but absolutely refutable news.

Have a cordial weekend.

Letters to BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL

BULLETIN: Many readers complained because the "LETTERS" column didn't appear yesterday. BILLINGSGATE usually publishes this reader's favorite on Wednesday. The editorial staff apologizes for allowing the Children's Crusade column to supercede this opportunity for readers to post their comments. This is what you missed:

"Can you tell me how many stars General Field Marshall Cinque Mtume had on his lapels and why he was appointed to lead the Symbionese Liberation Front instead of me?"......General Wesley Clark

RESPONSE: General, he had one more star than you, possibly because lapels were wider back in the 70's. If Clinton had been president then, I am sure you would have been on the short list.

"Why did you add 'pedigreed' in describing my husband, John Kerry? You usually describe him as a 'slack-jawed, chicken lipped jackal'. I kind of liked the original description because it was closer to my opinion".....Teresa Heinz Kerry

RESPONSE: My sincere apology for the unfortunate glitch. Your first husband had a pedigree. Your present husband had a pedicure.

"I liked Senator Kerry's idea of having a Children's Crusade. I hope if he is elected that he will appoint me to head this group"....Michael Jackson

RESPONSE: Michael....Micheal...Michael. You gotta grow up!

"Why do you criticize John Kerry for wanting to put a nuisance tax on terrorism? In the long run it might be cheaper than paying the trial lawyers who are going to sue my ass"....bin Laden

RESPONSE: bin baby, No one ever said you were stupid. We will have our attorney talk to your attorney.

Kerry proposes children's crusade

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL

BULLETIN: In the final debate tonight, Kerry will finally unveil his "plan" to combat terrorism. In yesterday's JOURNAL it was disclosed that Kerry will propose a "nuisance" tax on terrorists. By putting a surcharge on attacks that go beyond agreed upon casualty limits, Kerry hopes to keep future attacks within an acceptable nuisance coefficient, at the same time providing a source of income to reduce the deficit if terrorists go beyond UN defined guidelines.

The pedigreed, slack-jawed, chicken-lipped jackal, who by the way, served in Vietnam, is also planning to propose a tariff on nations who harbor and/or sponsor terrorism. In tonight's debate, which is to be devoted to domestic issues, he will claim that this tariff will help to reduce the deficit so that no domestic programs will have to be eliminated.

Also, BILLINGSGATE'S crack investigative reporter, Detrick "Dirty Trick" Detwiler, has information that Kerry will propose his TOT (Tots Oppose Terrorism) CRUSADE in the debate tonight. Saying that, "its never too soon to get involved," he will ask America's parents to donate all of their able bodied children between the ages of 3 to 6 for a march against the godless terrorist infidels in Iraq.

In the original Children's Crusade in 1212, children as young as 6 gathered in European cities to march on Jerusalem to take this holy place back from the same infidels. Noting that children are much more mature now, he wisely chose younger kids because they are more malleable.

As to those who deride Kerry for stating over and over again that he has a "plan" but has never exposed it to the light of day, shame on you. BILLINGSGATE has once again gone beyond the boundaries of ethics and common sense to provide you with unadulterated, unvarifiable and unprovable news that journalism giants, CBS and the New York Times, offer every day.

Kerry: Nuisance tax on terrorism

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL

BULLETIN: If Kerry's position(s) on the war on terrorism wasn't(weren't) blurred before, his statement in the liberal Gotham City Fish Wrap on Sunday adds fodder to those who already held the belief that Kerry has no grasp of reality. In wishing that terrorism might someday be relegated into the cheap seats of nuisancedom, might he later wish to put a nuisance tax on terrorism to balance the budget?

BILLINGSGATE believes that this idea has merit, especially if the tax could be applied retroactively. Think of how much money might be collected if such minor nuisance terrorism acts as the USS Cole bombing and the first bombing of the World Trade Center were taxed? If we ever catch bin Laden one hopes that he doesn't file for Chapter 11 relief.

If by some chance Kerry were to be elected, will he also propose a new terror alert color, say nuisance tinted green, so that bin Laden doesn't go over board in his next attack? What level of casualties will Kerry accept before he declares the terrorists of being in non-compliance with his nuisance ordinance? Will he bring in the UN to vote on each attack, letting them decide what is the appropriate response. Just a few of the questions that need to be answered before we accept his plan for a nuisance tax.

If you wish to read current and past JOURNAL postings, log on to www.polysatire.blogspot.com. If you would care to make any comments, please do so. Also, please advise both friends and enemies alike that the JOURNAL is not only the most reliable source of journalism that co-exists in the reprehensible netherlands of CBS and New York Times standards, we have never exceeded their lack thereof.

Capturing bin Laden

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL

BULLETIN: In the recent debates, John Kerry asks why President Bush pulled troops from Afghanistan to attack Iraq. Claiming that we had the wily bin Laden virtually trapped in a mountainous area of Afghanistan called Tora Bora, Kerry said it was a mistake to divert our efforts from capturing the terrorist leader to go after Saddam. BILLINGSGATE has decided to address this question.

Since other media outlets have retained retired military Special Forces officers as expert commentators in their own coverage on the war against terror, to compete on a level field, BILLINGSGATE has retained General Field Marshall Cinque Mtume who led the Symbionese Liberation Army in the kidnapping of Patricia Hearst back in 1974. In a chase across America that lasted 567 days, General Mtume and his band of warriors eluded the FBI and our nation's police forces while driving a yellow VW van that was covered with strategically placed F..K President Nixon stickers.

Citing this audacious display of contempt for his own success, General Field Marshal Mtume suggests that bin Laden may very possibly be in the United States cruising around in a stretch limo with a bevy of virgins. "Why would bin Laden be hiding where we say we are looking for him? That would be absolutely nuts." Mtume goes on, "My suggestion is that we put his picture on the cover of Sports Illustrated. That virtually guarantees that he will be captured by the end of the week."

In nearly every JOURNAL, it has been reliably pointed out that although CBS and the New York Times have had unprecedented success in providing veracity in journalism without being burdened by the tenacious tentacles of proof, today the JOURNAL believes we have finally reached their level.

Panglossian utterances

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL

BULLETIN: Yesterday upon the stairs I saw a man who wasn't there. He wasn't there again today. I wish to hell he would go away. Somehow this ephemeral man reminds me of John Kerry. The only problem is that even if he isn't there, he seems to be, even in my dreams. He is like the prettiest girl on the Bulgarian shot putt team. I just can't get him out of my mind.

BULLETIN: With Kerry and his running dogs spinning remarks by former administrator of Iraq's Coalition Provisional Authority, Paul Bremer, it was with great pleasure that BILLINGSGATE read the op-ed article by Bremer in today's New York Times. He states:

"The press has curiously been reluctant to report my constant public support for the president's strategy in Iraq and his policies to fight terrorism. I have been involved in the war on terrorism for two decades, and in my view no world leader has better understood the stakes in this global war than President Bush."

Sometimes one wonders if America, if not a good place to practice democracy, is a good place to practice hypocrisy. The JOURNAL has never hid or denied that its journalistic goal is to provide the reader with the truth unburdened by the mundane requirements of proof. Alas, its competition hides behind the liberal veils of Gotham City's boring cult of pencil neck geeks.

Have a nice weekend.

Saddam fooled everyone, lost everything

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL

BULLETIN: If there is any justice in the world, Saddam should stand at the pinnacle of those hoist by their own petard. In the comprehensive report by weapon's inspector, Charles Duefler, Saddam was said to admit that he lied to everyone, even his own generals, so that the world and especially the Iranians wouldn't perceive his nation vulnerable to attack. It was reported that when he told his generals that they didn't have any WMD to foil the oncoming attack by the coalition, they knew that their goose was cooked and consequently did not mount any defense against the attacking forces.

This quick victory may prove to be Pyrrhic for Bush and lead him to be hoist by his own petard, too. For in trouncing the Iraqis so quickly it led to widespread desertion by their army and ultimately left our forces in the position of not being able to control the territory they conquered. Because of this we weren't able to stop the looting and lawlessness that ensued. Consequently, the different factions were allowed to coalesce with transient terrorist factions flooding across the borders of Syria, Jorden and Iran. This present condition is fueling Senator Kerry and providing him plenty of horror tales to undercut Bush's war efforts.

Since the report has come out, Kerry has provided his own spin to the findings, and with the liberal media underwriting Kerry, it is nearly impossible for Bush to point out that that thousands of shells containing poison gases have neither been found nor proved destroyed.

BILLINGSGATE apologizes for deserting the CBS and the New York Times today. The JOURNAL needed a break from the demanding focus of providing veracity in journalism unfettered by the burden of proof.

Chipmunk runs but can't hide from Hannibal

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL

BULLETIN: Last night in a pre-lim fight between the junior light weight contender from North Carolina and the veteran champion, Hannibal Lector Cheney, few punches were landed as Edwards scampered around the ring like a demented chipmunk, reminding veteran fight reporters of the epic 1980 battle between the persistent Carl Spackler and the recalitrant ground hog in the movie, Caddyshack.

With moves honed and polished by centuries of genetically adopted survival techniques, the rodent-like Edwards twisted and turned, flip flopping off the ropes while trying to dodge hay makers thrown by the relentless Cheney. With hardly a hair out of place on his exquisitely coiffured noggin, the churlish chipmunk flagged his nose at the veteran in the early rounds of the debate.

With both champion and contender still standing at fight's end, BILLINGSGATE'S crack investigative fight reporter, Detrick "Dirty Trick" Detwiler declared the fight a mis-match, giving Hannibal Lector Cheney the victory by default. "While hardly a satisfactory victory for neo-con fanatics, it was better than a draw," countered the less than effusive Detwiler.

BILLINGSGATE is understandably proud of the ring side coverage provided by the JOURNAL. Going head to head with monolithic media giants, CBS and the New York Times, is not a battle to be joined by the meek. Again, using proof to substantiate veracity in journalism is a goal not worthy of serious concern by the JOURNAL and the aforementioned media repositories.

Hannibal Lector vs the Chipmunk

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL

BULLETIN: Outlined against a somber blue-grey October sky in Cleveland, Ohio, Hannibal Lector Cheney brings back images of Pestilence as he plots the extermination of the rodent-like Edwards as the time of the fateful debate draws near. As part of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Pestilence rode with Famine, Destruction and Death in the biblical charge to wipe out earlier epochal versions of tyrannical liberal hypocrisy. Although BILLINGSGATE doesn't wish to appear Stygian, time will tell whether this latest variant will be defeated.

Tonight, Vice President Dick Cheney will debate the cuter than life, bobble-headed chipmunk-cheeked John Edwards in an anticipated free for all that has the nation's voters on the edges of their seats. Crack BILLINGSGATE investigator, Detrick "Dirty Trick" Detwiler has been following the flow of this potential one round TKO.

While using a combination of computer algorithms and human intelligence, Detwiler has been sifting this mass of information to discern the "tonalities" that have been shaping election modalities as November 2 approaches. This approach has put the JOURNAL at the forefront in identifying key political trends weeks before those changes appear in traditional forums.

The JOURNAL now reports that Cheney, who claims to have never met a rodent he liked, sought advice from the voluble Carl Spackler of Caddyshack fame as to how to avoid the same mistakes Spackler made in his epic battle with a recalitrant ground hog. Spackler, hardly a neo-con, but never the less an advocate of law and order, suggested that the vice president remain unflapable and not to underestimate the determination of a litigious rodent when the varmint sets his mind to destroying the American way of life.

Dirty Trick Detwiler, no newcomer to this type of campaign, will be investigating and reporting all of the uncertainties endemic to factually true but completely unproveable factoids that are commonly featured by the JOURNAL, CBS and the New York Times.

Kerry vows to ban volcanic eruptions

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL

BULLETIN: Senator John Kerry tells Oregon voters that he will move to immediately ban future volcanic eruptions if elected. Speaking to voters gathered near Mt. Saint Helens, Kerry called President Bush's plan to eliminate eruptions a diversion that lacks any unanimity among members of the Pacific Rim countries effected by active volcanoes.

"Although I voted to authorize President Bush to use force to stop these eruptions, I voted against it." On a later date when trying to explain this flip flop, he said, "I may have made a mistake in my statement, but he made a mistake in attacking Mt. Saint Helens without seeking 'global approval'. Whose mistake was worse?"

"If I am elected I will bring together other countries who will help us in this war on eruptions. Although I agree that Mt. Saint Helens was a threat, I would have fought it differently. Look at it now. It is a complete quagmire. I will have us out of the magma flow within 6 months, and I will personally track down and kill bin Laden in my spare time."

BILLINGSGATE takes pride in its ability to once again bring news to our readers who demand authenticity without proof. While not embracing CBS and the New York Times, the JOURNAL wishes to be respected on the same level as these Gotham based monoliths of journalistic integrity.

Kerry overcomes brain freeze and flip flops again

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL

BULLETIN: John Kerry proved once again that the laws of nature don't apply to him and now has the GOP grasping for new ideas to keep him from flip flopping on Iraq. Having overcome brain numbing temperatures of minus 120 degrees that even the Splendid Splinter, Ted Williams, couldn't bounce back from, Kerry didn't miss a beat as he once again confounded the world by successfully debating himself into submission last night.

Pretending that President Bush wasn't even there, Kerry convinced the liberal media pundits that he was at the top of his game by lying to himself and then coming back with eye rolling statistics to prove that he didn't know what he said in the first place. Using the same slack jawed jackal, chicken lipped rhetoric that made him the idol of commie pinkos back in the early 1970's, Kerry was at his best dancing around questions concerning North Korea and Iran.

While almost canonizing Kim Jong II, President of North Korea, Kerry said that he would go directly to this maniacal dictator to discuss the nuclear disarming of this wacko, even though we are presently working with China, Japan, Russia and South Korea on this issue. No wonder Kim Jong said he wouldn't enter into further negotiation with us or these nations until after the election so that he could once again befuddle the guileless liberal wimps who allowed him to build his nuclear weapons during the Clinton years. Evidently Kim is one of the world leaders whom Kerry said he had in his back pocket.

Confused as to why anyone would believe the shtick that Kerry spews from those chicken lips, the Giant Tortoises have once again taken to the high roads of the Galapagos Islands under the watchful eye of our beloved founder and benefactor, Dr. Cleotus "Clete" Earlbeck. The tortoises, who have successfully predicted the outcome of the past sixteen presidential elections by taking the high road if the GOP is to win, and conversely, taking the low road in years that the Democrats persist, were shuffling around in circles during the debate, reacting to each Kerry flip flop with stoic insouciance.

Although most readers already know that BILLINGSGATE has no horse in this race, the JOURNAL wants to again assure you that we are adhering to the same values that CBS and the New York Times cling to. We will continue to offer you fast breaking news with little or no regard to whether its veracity will stand the rigors of proof.

Go in peace and God bless.