BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Carbonton, North Carolina)BULLETIN: When Al Gore advised the world that he was going carbon neutral, I am sure there were some misconceptions concerning what he meant. To begin with, the human body is composed of many basic elements which occur naturally in the physical world. Among them is carbon, which makes up almost 23% of the mass of a human being. With Big Al weighing in at about 300 pounds, for him to be carbon neutral, he would have to dispose of approximately 69 pounds of solid carbon. The best and quickest way to do this would be to have him vaporized. This, however, would leave the rest of us to deal with the global warming and rising tides caused by the release of his anthropogenic CO2 and H2O; not to mention the putrid methane gases that would be disgorged from the depth of his bowels.
Dr. BILLINGSGATE is just getting warmed up. I can feel each and all of my eleven LaFontaine College doctorates, all straining to grasp the complexity of this dissertation.
What needs to be made clear is the religious nature of the mcgw (man caused global warming) movement. The set of conclusions that are held by these zealots cannot be questioned, and the adherents who subscribe to these unprovable tenets are dismissive of anything that obstructs the object of their faith, much like the radical dogmatism that prevails in all religions which have been hijacked by their respective wacko followers.
Al Gore is the talking head of this movement, jowls and all. He, like many of his insufferable ilk, are vitally concerned about the effects of mcgw. These elites live in huge mansions, bounce around the world in private jets, and then to placate the unscrubbed masses, purchase carbon offsets to mitigate the emissions of their extravagant life styles. This practice of guilt mitigation was first employed by aristocrats during the middle ages. It was common for those anointed with wealth and power to find willing ecclesiastics of the Catholic Church who would sell them indulgences as a means to pecuniary gain. These indulgences would remit the entire temporal punishment due to sin so that no further expiation was required of the sinner in Purgatory. In other words, upon death the sinner would go directly to heaven without stopping in jail. Not a bad deal if you had the cash. Throw in 72 virgins and count me in.
Alas, all good things must come to an end. In 1567, St. Pius V cancelled all grants of indulgences involving fees or other financial considerations. But that doesn't let the sinners off the hook. As recent as 1999, Pope John Paul II informed the world that Purgatory is still there, and you can't buy your way out. If you do the crime, you gotta do the time. Big Al, you ain't home free yet.
