Blessings for Wampum Program

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL

BULLETIN: In the third debate Senator Kerry, while commenting on the diversity of religious views, stated that "Native Americans who gave me a blessing the other day had their own special sense of connectedness to a higher being." That higher being, Republicans suggest, is wampum. Reports by the JOURNAL'S crack investigative reporter, Detrick "Dirty Trick" Detwiler, back up this claim.

Yes, boys and girls, wampum. The same stuff that purchased Manhattan from Native Americans some years ago is now being used to buy blessings. Shocking. Hardly. Detwiler, who claims to have honed his journalistic tendencies while interning with Gotham City's finest fishwrap, reports Kerry promised Chippewa medicine man, Under the Table, unlimited casino permits in return for his blessings. This irrefutable story is testimony to Kerry's relentless pursuit of votes by using beads, promises or whatever to purchase them.

BULLETIN: Reports of Christopher Reeve's sightings at three different Florida early polling stations have surfaced. While BILLINGSGATE is reluctant to suggest that perhaps John Edwards was correct in saying that if Kerry were president that Reeve would walk again, the fact that these reports show Reeve voting three different times is ominous. Hopefully attorneys representing GOP interests will contest these votes if necessary.

To suggest that the JOURNAL is the leader in cutting edge, factually true but not proveable reporting is only correct if the the reader assumes that CBS and the New York Times have gone out of business. While falling behind these giants in the battle for unethical supremacy, the JOURNAL makes no apologies. Competion will make us stronger in the long run.