Ask Doctor BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)


Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

I read with considerable interest your success in warding off camel driven terrorists (Camelians) by spraying curdled lion urine on your outposts. Might I ask you your recipe for this special brew. You never know where those bastards might hit us again....... Rummy

Dear Rummy,

To one cup of fresh lion urine squeezed from the bladder of an alpha male lion, mix one cup of .......Wait a second! How do I know you are really Don Rumsfield? You could be Teddy Kennedy looking for a new cocktail recipe for all I know. Perhaps my underhanded sidekick, Detrick "Dirty Trick" Detwiler should check you out. "Sic em, Detrick."......gggrrrrh!

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

Last week you indulged us by revealing your first and middle name. I find it ironic that your parents chose "Chillinout Viscount" to identify you. That is so British. Are you of royal birth or was your mother a fish monger?.....Prince Charles

Dear Prince Charles,

This is a riddle for you to figure out. Your mother's brother was the son of my father's jackass cousin (from the House of Windsor, of course) where you got your jug ears. Which means that if someone had turned my father's jackass cousin inside out, your freakin ears would be sticking out your asshole so you could hear your farts before you smelled them....Any more questions?

NOTE: As you might have determined, the Doctor has little tolerance for the House of Windsor. To soothe his wounded psyche, the Doctor has prescribed a long holiday for himself and his vassals.

Paradigm + nickel = two bit cartoon flap

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

CARTOON BULLETIN: For those of you who have grown tired of watching unemployed camelians burning Danish embassies for breakfast and Kentucky Fried Chicken outlets for lunch, the tide will turn. Fear not my feckless friends. The BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL will not be on the menu for their evening meal. Precautions have been taken, especially in Pakistan and Syria, to confuse these latter-day despots from burning down my bureaus there. I have sprayed my offices with curdled lion urine so that when their camels get close enough to smell the scent, they will turn tail and run. Doctor 1: Rioters 0.

Cartoons of Mohammed, in my opinion, have not gone far enough. Putting a bomb in Muhammed's bonnet merely reminds one that those who advocate violence in their Prophet's name have already desecrated him. Just because it's not a pictorial doesn't make these camelians less responsible. Also, as far as I know, none of the offending cartoonists has been subsidized by the Danish National Endowment of the Arts. In the United States, Piss Christ, the notorious photo depicting a small plastic crucifix submerged in a glass of the artist's urine was supported and funded by our own National Endowment for the Arts (your tax money). Outraged Christians of all denominations demanded their money back and burnt their toast as a sign of unity. Christians 1: Muslims 0.

PARADIGMATIC CARTOONISH CONCLUSION: The real story is why The New York Times, the grey lady, did not publish these cartoons. They hid behind their doors, not willing to tell the story by using the offending cartoons as evidence to help their readers to decide if they were indeed, offensive. They chose to pretend that they didn't fear Islam retaliation on their foreign bureaus. They let other newspapers take the chance, including this JOURNAL. BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL 1: New York Times 0.

Ask Dr. BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: This attempt to reach out to the unwashed has been one of the most popular features of the Journal. Your letters are a constant reminder to me of how lucky I am to be blessed with eleven Doctorates, while most of you struggle with literacy.

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

I have been waiting to ask these questions. What is your first name and when will you be in my area? I would love to show you my tattoos.........Madonna

Dear Ms. Madonna,

I will show you mine if you will show me yours......just kidding. Anyway, my full name is Chillinout Viscount Billingsgate. I would love to see your tattoos, especially the one of the chicken's butt in the middle of your tummy. Also, if you tell me where your area is, I will tell you where I am most sensitive. Thanks for your interest.

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

Why do always speak in pejorative terms when you are discussing Hillary Clinton? She thinks very highly of you.....Janet Reno

Dear Mr. Reno,

What makes you believe that I don't admire her. I love the way she does the Woodpecker Waltz when Slick Willie is carrying on with those black folk. It also turns me on when she screams. Reminds me of the time I was in the jungle surrounded by a pack of female babboons, all fighting for a ride on Dr. B's banana boat.

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

Do you really believe that the Big Dipper had sex with 20,000 of his closest female fans? He told me at the time that what happens in the NBA stays in the NBA. So why did he write this book?......A very disappointed groupie

Dear Ms. Groupie,

I have a hunch that he wasn't lying. Have you noticed how tall the average basketball player is today? What he meant by "what happens in the NBA stays in the NBA" is that you would be passed on to the next available Philadelphia Warrior on the roster. Sorry you misinterpreted him. In answer to your last question, I believe that he wrote this book to get the attention that he didn't get when he was short and ugly in pre-school.

Slick Willie and His Woodpecker Wife

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

STOP THE PRESSES! At the Coretta Scott King funeral today, a memorial to the wife of the late Reverend Martin Luther King, there were so many white political hacks jumping on the black bandwagon that there wasn't any room left for those of color to chauffeur these transient dignitaries to the promised land.

Teddy was there, ushered in by the ghost of Mary Jo Kopeckny. She came along with him because he didn't have the guts to go to her funeral. Cocktails always came first in his life. Jimmy "Peanut Brain" Carter was there with a pocket full of goobers to munch between lamentations. The phony son-of-a-bitch is getting so long in the tooth that his dentist charges him double.

Then there was Slick Willie. He had the cadence down. And he had them rockin with his eyes rolling and his teeth biting into his lower lip; raucous deep South rhetoric that makes em believe he's one of them. And on his left side, as is her style between his adulterous affairs, Hillary nodding to Willie's beat like a demented woodpecker; her pursed lips pink as a rooster's dink, her hair a natural horse piss brown. And her eyes, they were a glistening as if she had just seen Monica Lewinsky skewered and roasting on a spit.

President Bush didn't have a chance against these guys. He got bashed by everyone, including the Reverend who was running the show. I was surprised they allowed Dubya in the Church. He looked as comfortable as a rat looking down the business end of a python. Nice gathering if you're a liberal.

Dr. BILLINGSGATE is not a huge fan of funeral happenings since they always have an unhappy ending. You don't have to have eleven Doctorates to figure that anytime you go six feet under, your options decrease exponentially.

Keep your arses on the green side of the turf......The DOCTOR

Doublehump Golf and Spa

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Scottsdale, Arizona)

STOP THE PRESSES! This is worse than I ever imagined. The controversy that has erupted over the publishing of caricatures of the Prophet Mohammed, especially the one depicting him with a bomb in his bonnet, has fundamentalist Muslims threatening to go nuttier than even they can remember. It makes one wonder what these zealots would do if they had to deal with anti-Christian art such as "Piss Jesus" or the depicting of the Virgin Mary floating around on turds and discarded vaginas? And this (art) is being supported by tax payers like you and me. Whoa deta!

Thank God someone has put this into perspective. To counter the counter fatwas issued by the Hamas, bin Laden and other bearded despots, the Chamber of Commerce of Scottsdale, Arizona has renamed Camelback Mountain. This landmark has been officially renamed, Doublehump Mountain. Yes, these brave and hardy Zonies have decided to combat terrorism by eliminating any reference to or connection with the Middle East. If camels are a stretch, so be it. Ideologically, the Zonies have a point. President Bush did call for the world to unite not only against the terrorists, but also those who aid and abet the terrorists. Camels certainly fit the bill as far as I am concerned.

Here's the dilemma though. The luxury hotels and spas that proudly display the name, "Camelback" in their promotional literature are now faced with a marketing problem. Will the big spenders who frequent these joints spend their filthy lucre if the resorts change their name to "Doublehump." Can you imagine travel literature touting the serenity of spending a weekend with your significant other at the luxurious DOUBLEHUMP INN?

BULLETIN: Dude, we got a problem. For those whose ardor would be satiated by a singlehump destination, what might happen if they were forced to double their expectations? We are now talking Heart Attacksville, Stroke City, USA. At the very least, diarrhea. And this ain't Kansas, Dude. Where you can call 911. We're talking cactus, rattlers and desert mirages, pardner.

Anyone who claims that he could have predicted that the "legs" of the original fatwa story might end up in Scottsdale is quite frankly either a liar or an idiot. This is not just another BILLINGSGATE factoid. It is a statistic. Check the New York Times if you want to read Broadway reviews. If you just want the facts, pick up the BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL. You shall not be disappointed.