Memorial Day Message to Ann Coulter

Dear Ms. Coulter,

KISS MY ASS!

Cordially yours,

The Doctor

BILLINGSGATE BANNED BY RUTHLESS VIXEN !

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BREAKING BULLETIN: Ann Coulter, the loudmouth blond who is a favorite on Fox News for her in-your-face diatribes with liberal opponents, inexplicably banned Dr. BILLINGSGATE from participating in her chat room discussions.

This past Thursday I was duly authorized to participate in Ms. Coulter's chat room. Since her latest column had lambasted Dubya for being a slacker on enforcing immigration laws and for offering to put the National Guard on the border, I thought that it was appropriate to propose that a moat from San Diego to the eastern border of Texas be constructed as soon as possible. I also proposed that instead of using 6000 National Guard troops to help the Border Patrol, that President Bush federalize 10,000 Florida alligators and immediately deploy these critters to the moat to scare off or eat the illegals attempting to cross the border.

By establishing a network of these hungry gators as the last threshold of defense against the encroaching hoards of illegals, we would not only make Florida safer for those who hide behind their doors, afraid of lurking reptiles, we would also make Florida and the rest of the states safer from those who now laugh at our Border Patrol. By putting more "teeth" in our border defense team, we could control the flow of immigrants or eliminate them entirely.

Not surprisingly, many of Ms. Coulter's chat room participants volunteered other critters to patrol the border moat. Infact, more than 70 responses flowed in with pictures that included sharks, piranhas, rattle snakes, land mines, naked mole rats, and believe it or not, a picture of Helen Thomas. A Frenchman even volunteered his pet gator, Pierre, for this honorable duty.

I thought that I had hit a homerun and that I was among fellow conservatives. Was I surprised when upon revisiting the site on Monday, I was notified that I was banned from the chat room forever. Evidently the rule makers thought I was generating too much sympathy for my cause from their precious chat room comrades.

I would ask my BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL readers who have supported me so well to jump on Ms. Coulter and voice your displeasure to her for having me so summarily dismissed. Her Web Site is: www.anncoulter.com. Tell that obnoxious talking head that by banning BILLINGSGATE, she has lost the heart and soul of conservative America.

Ask Dr. BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

Yo, Doctor!

What's your professional opinion as to why those gators down in Florida only attack white blond women? Could this possibly be another Karl Rove conspiracy?...........Senator Barbara Boxer, California

Dear Senator Boxer,

Give me a break! If this were a Karl Rove conspiracy, the gators would be chillin out on grey haired, loudmouth, liberal turkey-necks like you.

Dear Doctor BILLINGSGATE,

What do you think about building a 2000 mile wall on our Southern border to keep the immigrant workers from crossing?........Don Rumsfield

Dear Rummy,

Immigrant workers? Your ass! My professional opinion is that we should dig a 2000 mile channel, ship 10,000 gators in from Florida and train them to ignore white blond women.

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

What do you think of my idea to deploy 6000 National Guard troops to secure our borders until we train more Border Patrol agents?........Dubya

Dear President Bush,

Personally, I think that it would be more practical to double the number of alligators, accelerate their training by not feeding them blonds for a couple of weeks and tell them to turn to.

NOTE: The Doctor will respond to all legitimate questions unless he feels he is being dissed.
So don't try to be a wise ass. The Doctor doesn't suffer fools well.

Greenpeace pickets Mt. Merapi

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Java, Indonesia)

BULLETIN: Approximately 8000 Greenpeace picketers have surrounded the summit of Mt. Merapi, cursing and spitting into the fiery dome of this volcano which is located in central Java and which has been erupting for 10,000 years. Merapi is one of the most active volcanos in Indonesia and has produced more pyroclastic flow than any other volcano in the world.

Mount Merapi also has the dubious distinction of producing more nuee ardentes than any other volcano on earth. For those of you who have not yet received your NOTARY SOJAC TOP SECRET decipher kit which was advertised in the last posting, I will temporally lift the ALPHA CODE from this article with the understanding that if any reader violates the security code and warns the Greenpeace picketers, he will be banned from future JOURNAL postings.

For the uninformed, "nuee ardentes" results from the collapse of the lava dome at the summit of a volcano, and as a result, allows for the pyroclastic flow (lava) to envelop all who might be crazy enough to picket the summit. That should provide the reader with sufficient reason to not notify Greenpeace.

Environmentalists almost universally blame the automobile for the harmful atmospheric greenhouse conditions that cause global warming or global cooling, whichever is in vogue at the time. However, until now, no one has laid the blame on recalcitrant volcanoes who spew ash plumes and whatnot into the atmosphere with complete impunity. When Mount St. Helens erupted you heard not a peep about the ashes that blackened the earth's sky for months.

"Enough is enough," said Greenpeace spokesperson, Ms. Lily Oakthighs. "We have issued warnings to these recidivistic volcanos. Our new mantra is: If they continue to erupt, we will blow them up."

Good luck, Ms. Oakthighs.

National Security Agency vs BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Washington, DC)

CODE ALPHA: BULLETIN: For those readers who aren't aware of the existence of the National Security Agency and its ability to tap into your phone and internet conversations, let me assure you that Dr. BILLINGSGATE has always been on top of this insidious "eye in the sky" technology. When publishing my JOURNAL, I have always kept in mind the axiom that, "loose lips sink ships." For that reason I have always operated in the CODE ALPHA mode.

For those of you who lack NOTARY SOJAC TOP SECRET clearance or for you who might be marginally subversive, I have always been mindful that what I write might be used to discredit me, or worse than that, leave me open to government interdiction. So, for the many times that you may have scratched your head, wondering what the hell I was talking about, it was really me operating in CODE ALPHA.

To most of my readers who have NSTC clearance and who are able to decode my messages, no explanation is necessary. For those who can't make sense of all this and believe I am nuttier than squirrel poop, for the next 10 days I will be selling the coveted NOTARY SOJAC TOP SECRET decipher kit for the bargain basement rate of $29.99 plus $10.00 for shipping and handling. Please email me your credit card number along with the 3 digit code on the back of the card. Please allow at least 30 days for receipt of kit.

NOTE: The Doctor needs cash and he needs it now. This operation is not the cash cow you might think it is.

ARE HOUSEWIVES OVERPAID ?

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

MOTHER'S DAY BULLETIN: Last week the results of a study that evaluated what a "full-time stay-at-home" mother should make if she were paid for all her labor was published. The study estimated that by calculating the earning power of the 10 jobs most closely comprising a mother's role, including cooking, janitoring, van driving and providing psychological help, she would earn $134,120 per year.

Interestingly, this goes against the grain of extreme women-libbers. By default, it places the father in a patriarchal position again, the role that was lost when our boys came back after World War II and found their wives wearing hard hats, smoking cigars and driving bulldozers. He would, in effect, become the CEO of the family because he would be responsible for paying his wife's hypothetical salary. His wife would merely be his most senior employee. Since in reality, both husbands and wives contribute to and benefit from the household economy, the costs and benefits should be accounted for as in any other business.

• Although the wife may do a disportionate share of the household work, she also benefits from it at least as much as her husband does. This cuts her salary in half to: $67,060

• Since the husband would be required to be the sole source of cash flow, he is responsible for all the family expenses. Therefore, half of the family's housing costs; mortgage payments, food and clothing, etc., should be deducted from the wife's imputed salary to cover her rent. Easily another 2 grand a month, leaving her a paltry $43,060 remainder.

• The wife's imputed salary would be cut even more for work the husband did around the house, such as managing finances, mowing the lawn and taking out the garbage. Let's say around a $2,000 per month. This leaves the wife $1588 a month for miscellaneous expenses such as green fees for her husband and buying jars for canning vegetables and fruits in her spare time.

NOTE: Since Mother's Day is just around the corner, perhaps enough has been said. But the point is that a wife could easily end up owing her husband money if proper accounting principles were used.

JOSE CAN YOU SEE THE EXIT

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Tijuana)

BULLETIN: Yesterday I saw an interesting sign that was hoisted by one of the millions of illegal immigrants protesting the plight of being trapped in the USA with no way to get out. The sign provided incontrovertible proof that we cannot live without these people. How more eloquently could it have been stated than: "No illegals--No burritos."

Now I don't know about you, but to me, those are fighting words. It could have been worse though. They could have taunted us by saying, "No enchiladas with beans and rice--you Americans are not very nice." I would go to war tomorrow if I saw that on my screen.

Furthermore, they better be very careful if they try to leave our borders without revealing the recipe for chimichongas. So far as I know, the only gringo they have entrusted this Mexican national treasure to is the redoubtable Geraldo Rivera. And he has it under lock and key, waiting to expose it on one of his famous documentaries. I am still pissed that I watched him break into Al Capone's safe without him finding even a dog bone.

With Cinco de Mayo just around the corner, I am planning a huge block party to reward all the faithful gardeners who help my neighbors with their landscaping. (Being a farm boy, I still mow my own yard, thank you). Anyway, I am going to load up a leaf blower with margaritas, turn it up full blast and give them a taste of their own medicine. Let's roll, gringos.

La Cucharacha,

EL DOCTORO