Kerry vows to ban volcanic eruptions

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL

BULLETIN: Senator John Kerry tells Oregon voters that he will move to immediately ban future volcanic eruptions if elected. Speaking to voters gathered near Mt. Saint Helens, Kerry called President Bush's plan to eliminate eruptions a diversion that lacks any unanimity among members of the Pacific Rim countries effected by active volcanoes.

"Although I voted to authorize President Bush to use force to stop these eruptions, I voted against it." On a later date when trying to explain this flip flop, he said, "I may have made a mistake in my statement, but he made a mistake in attacking Mt. Saint Helens without seeking 'global approval'. Whose mistake was worse?"

"If I am elected I will bring together other countries who will help us in this war on eruptions. Although I agree that Mt. Saint Helens was a threat, I would have fought it differently. Look at it now. It is a complete quagmire. I will have us out of the magma flow within 6 months, and I will personally track down and kill bin Laden in my spare time."

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