Capturing bin Laden

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL

BULLETIN: In the recent debates, John Kerry asks why President Bush pulled troops from Afghanistan to attack Iraq. Claiming that we had the wily bin Laden virtually trapped in a mountainous area of Afghanistan called Tora Bora, Kerry said it was a mistake to divert our efforts from capturing the terrorist leader to go after Saddam. BILLINGSGATE has decided to address this question.

Since other media outlets have retained retired military Special Forces officers as expert commentators in their own coverage on the war against terror, to compete on a level field, BILLINGSGATE has retained General Field Marshall Cinque Mtume who led the Symbionese Liberation Army in the kidnapping of Patricia Hearst back in 1974. In a chase across America that lasted 567 days, General Mtume and his band of warriors eluded the FBI and our nation's police forces while driving a yellow VW van that was covered with strategically placed F..K President Nixon stickers.

Citing this audacious display of contempt for his own success, General Field Marshal Mtume suggests that bin Laden may very possibly be in the United States cruising around in a stretch limo with a bevy of virgins. "Why would bin Laden be hiding where we say we are looking for him? That would be absolutely nuts." Mtume goes on, "My suggestion is that we put his picture on the cover of Sports Illustrated. That virtually guarantees that he will be captured by the end of the week."

In nearly every JOURNAL, it has been reliably pointed out that although CBS and the New York Times have had unprecedented success in providing veracity in journalism without being burdened by the tenacious tentacles of proof, today the JOURNAL believes we have finally reached their level.