Ask Dr. BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

I read your recent article, "Fox vs Henhouse," and thank you for sticking up for the underchicks. Was it a coincidence that you also spoke of how the liberal wackos are attempting to deprive hard working laying hens of their Easter connection. After all, if it weren't for us, Easter eggs could very well be toast. Also, if you were a defenseless chick like me, would you rather be Teddy Kennedy's girl friend or Michael Schiavo's fiancee?....Henny Penny

Dear Henny Penny,

In probing the vast grey matter area in my cranium that some say separates me from lesser beings, I can only say that I am humbled by the trust you have placed in me.

In answer to your first question: It is never a coincidence when liberal wackos attempt to deprive more than one group of their rights in one day. Why should it be called a coincidence when Dr. BILLINGSGATE chooses to defend underchicks like you from the metaphorical fox while you are also being denied your Easter heritage by the real fox. The ACLU attempts to pass themselves off as the protectorate of our civil liberties. We know what those sly foxes are really up to, don't we?

The answer to the second question is easy. At Chappaquiddick, Senator Kennedy allowed Mary Jo Kopechne some water before she died.

Once again, the Doctor has spoken.

Breaking News

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

Exclusive Report: In Japan techno freaks are dancing in the streets with news that scientists working to harness the atom inadvertently discovered a break through that enables a camera to be built with a shutter speed so incredibly fast that it may actually catch a woman with her mouth shut, something not captured since the painting of the Mona Lisa by Leonardo da Vinci in 1503.

Although historians continue to argue that the pinched mouth smile of Mona Lisa was painted while she was lying in state, others argue that she was passing gas at the critical moment that da Vinci immortalized the historic event. In either case, no one before or since has been able to capture in a picture the exact moment that a living woman had her mouth shut.

Now that new technology allows cameras to catch this critical moment, look for feminists to challenge this discovery and petition the Courts to rule that the manufacture of these cameras violate their rights to privacy.

To catch up with this technology, geneticists are also trying to isolate the specific gene that allows women to talk without breathing, thus allowing their mouths to go full speed with out shutting. Scientists at the Liverlips Laboratory at the University of California are also questioning if lips are absolutely necessary, speculating that if they could eliminate them, women would never be able to shut their mouths......More to follow

Fox vs Henhouse precedent

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

Exclusive Report: Let me ask you some questions. Where are the screaming liberal bats who passionately insist that a woman is not a husband's chattel when Terri Schiavo needs them? Why isn't there a support group for women whose husbands want to pull the plug on them?

BULLETIN: The above diatribe has been superceded by news that it is now politically incorrect to say, "Easter Bunny." The little rabbit must now be called something completely free from religious connotations, like "Garden Bunny."

Back to questions: Because liberals have agreed to selectively treat the pronouncements of former ambulance chasers to be considered the word of God, would these same "humanists" be upset if Judge Greer ordered that Ms. Schiavo be shot by firing squad at her husband's request because it is more humane than starving her to death?

When Judge Greer cited the infamous landmark, "Fox vs Henhouse" ruling of 1897 that was recently upheld by the Supreme Court it left the parents of Terri Schiavo no legal recourse. Interestingly enough, when the fox, who was the plaintiff in this case, was allowed back in the henhouse to guard the chickens, he and his devious attorneys celebrated by having a chicken dinner. When even the President, Congress and the Governor of Florida, Jeb Bush, could not intercede in her behalf, it makes one wonder why criminals on death row have more rights to live than this innocent woman.

BULLETIN: In two days it will be Garden Sunday. Please put out your garden eggs for the children without disturbing your bunny's rights.

Kim Jung II denies using steroids

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Pyongyang, North Korea)

Exclusive Report: Kim Jung II, the diminutive Comrade General and President of North Korea, declared under oath that when he shot his improbable score of 34 on a par 72 course back in 1994 he was not using steroids.

In today's issue of the Pyongyang Times, communism's most angry man struck out at Mark McGwire's refusal to admit that he used steroids when he hit 70 homers in 1998 to break the record of Roger Maris. With McGwire refusing to come clean when asked specifically if he ever used steroids, he left the world wondering if he was taking it in the butt during the summer of 98. Kim Jung, who is not exactly a fan of the American life style, evidently saw through the evasive reponses and reportedly was so insensed that he ordered a NO DONG missile to take Big Mac out. After calming down he issued the following statement:

"I don't need no stinkin steroids to shoot a 34," said the Dictator with the Don King hairdo in reference to his world record round. To prove his point, Kim issued the 2 handicap McGwire a challenge to come to North Korea for a match play showdown, with of course, pre and post match drug tests. McGwire, with advice from his attorney, has yet to respond to the challenge.

More to follow..........

Ask Dr. BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

I know that you are an outspoken spokesperson for the protection and sanctification of historic baseball records. While it is alledged that I and other players have used steroids to increase our muscle mass to inable us to smash the records of Babe Ruth, Roger Maris and Hank Aaron, who is to say that each of them in their own way didn't stretch the rules to set their records?....Barry Bonds

Dear Barry,

You may have a point, especially regarding the Babe. Infact, I'm going to recommend that Commissioner Bud Selig personally test all left over hot dogs, whiskey, cigars and loose living bimbos that Ruth might have used when he hit 60 homers in 1927. It also might be of interest to check if sleep deprivation had anything to do with his record.

On the other hand, I firmly believe that both Maris and Aaron violated the spirit of the game when they beat Babe Ruth's single season and career home run records. How was Ruth to know that some day players would play the same game as he played without abusing their bodies?

Then again, how were Maris and Aaron to know that some wild scientist would find a way to synthesize the anabolic steroids that enabled you to break fellow steroid freako Mark McGwire's bogus record and help you in your chemically assisted effort to erase the sacred career record of Aaron.

When you came into baseball you were a pencil necked geek who couldn't lift a baseball over deep shortstop with a wind assist. Now you are just another no neck geek with acne who couldn't care less about baseball, Babe, Roger and Hank.

May you be cold cocked by a corked bat while an infertile yak urinates on your trophy collection.

More monkey business

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

Exclusive Report: From an area known for its abundance of fruits and nuts, San Francisco County Superior Court Judge Richard Kramer ruled today that withholding marriage licenses from gays and lesbians is unconstitutional. The judge asserts that Caleefornia's protracted denial of equal protection for gays and lesbians cannot be justified simply because such constitutional violation has become traditional.

Traditional? Traditional? How can you logically argue that the word "marriage" which has by definition universally described the union between a man and a woman for thousands of years in every culture now be construed to mean anything else? The next thing you know, some pot head judge is going to rule that you don't have to have a brain to be a judge. But in Judge Kramer's case the ruling will have to be applied retroactively.

Unfortunately for us all, the brain surgeon who performed the lobotomy on him didn't cut his tongue out while he had his scalpel handy. The fact that a tongue can operate without a connection to a brain is not unprecedented. Sadly enough, in some reptilian subspecies such as the one this judge belongs to, it is not uncommon.

Ask Dr. BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

I read your recent story about Dr. Ollie and Dr. Buddy, the chimpanzee Plastic Surgeon team who successfully altered the facial features of Mr. St. James Davis so that he now resembles a zombie. Needless to say, I was fascinated by your account. I have some questions about their procedures:

1. Why did Mr. Davis request that the operation take place during his son's birthday party?
2. Apparently the good doctors operated without properly anesthetizing the patient. Were they Board Certified Plastic Surgeons?
3. Most importantly, can you tell me where the surgeons disposed of the various eyes, ears, nose and fingers they surgically removed from the patient?.....Hannibal Lector

Dear Hannibal,

Nice to hear from you again. I will answer your questions in the order you asked.

1. It was a setup. According to Dr. Ollie, Mr. Davis and his wife wanted to surprise their son on his birthday. It seems Moe felt that his father's features were un-chimp-like and Moe was being constantly teased by the other chimps because he didn't look anything like his dad.
2. Because the operation took place in a sanctuary for displaced animals, they were not required to have an anesthesiologist on board. Other than that deviation from accepted plastic surgery practices, I was assured by both Dr. Ollie and Dr. Buddy that the facial augmentation they performed on Mr. Davis followed strict Board guide lines.
3. Hannibal, you wily bastard, you know that I can't divulge that information to you. Nice try.

Mauled man tried to reason with chimps

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: By now most readers advanced enough to not live in a tent must have heard of or read the story about the couple who were viciously attacked by two chimps while innocently eating cake with their son Moe, celebrating his 39th birthday. Moe, who was an iconoclast by nature, shared living quarters with two very bad dudes at a California animal sanctuary.

By all accounts, St. James Davis and his wife, LaDonna, loved Moe like a son. Like most parents they taught him all the normal things that children need to know. According to the Los Angeles Times, they potty trained him, taught him how to dress himself and take a shower. On the surface, not an unusual upbringing. The first inkling that Moe was different from other little boys was in 1998 when he bit a policeman. Then in 1999 he bit off a women's finger and was moved to a sanctuary for rehabilitation. Wisely, because he was made aware that his next offense could put him away for life under California's dreaded Three Strikes Law, he cleaned up his act and was allowed parental visitation rights.

Alas, this beautiful birthday party was interrupted before Moe could blow out the candles. Two very bad dude chimps, Buddy and Ollie, attacked Mr. Davis, who sustained horrific injuries. He had part of his face ripped off, losing his nose, lips and right eye. He also lost all of his fingers and part of his right foot and right hand. Despite these handicaps, he is still hanging on to his life. Showing at least some chivalry, they only chomped off LaDonna's left thumb.

During the attack Mr. Davis tried to reason with the belligerent chimps but they didn't listen. Even though he asked, "Can't we all just get along?" Buddy and Ollie just kept on their chomping rampage, not stopping until shot to death by a sanctuary guard during the attack.

Despite the mauling, Ms. Davis still believes in the goodness of chimps, saying that she will keep loving chimpanzees. "You can't discriminate. We don't know about their background or childhood," she said. Gloria Allred, the couples attorney, called the chimp attack "ironic" because of the Davises' love for the animals. Allred also said that her clients have not decided if they will pursue legal action following the attack.

Moe, although he did nothing to protect his parents, played no part in the attack and was not charged. This is a TRUE story. Only Moe's name was changed to protect his rights as a chimpanzee.

Are the Ten Commandments Still Relevant?

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: Now that the Supreme Court is hearing arguments that may finally determine whether the United States will join in the world wide race that would eliminate any reference to God or the Ten Commandments in government buildings, the question that begs an answer is why we spent over 50 years, lost hundreds of thousands of dedicated men and women and spent countless billions to defeat the Godless Commies who largely based their own laws on the premise that whatever Stalin, Mao or Fidel said was the only commandment that needed to be obeyed. It appears that although we defeated Marxism, it was a Pyrrhic victory.

Since the end of the WWII all nations of good conscience joined in the efforts to confront the pinkos in places like Poland, East Germany, Korea and Vietnam. When President Reagan demanded that Mikail Gorbachav "tear down that wall," the whole world rejoiced when the physical and philosophic barrier separating East and West Berlin was smashed down, and most of the world celebrated the symbolic defeat of communism.

The celebration has been short. For now the secularist world is even more dedicated to the elimination of all religious symbols and beliefs than even the Marxists. Even more insidiously than the Communists, the liberals, led by the ACLU, are not so quietly dismantling our nation's religious heritage. Not satisfied with accepting the laws of our land, they are using activist judges to make new laws that defy constitutional basis and go over and around the States, Congress and the President. We are left with a Judicial bloc that feels that they know better than the common man, drawing on their morally decayed intellectual cousins in Europe for their inspiration.

God save us from these evil bastards that won't be satisfied until the USA declines to the same level as France and Germany.