SPECIAL ON DOCTORATE DEGREES

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL: (Dateline Cayman Islands)

WEEKEND SPECIAL: The Doctor is back in the Cayman Islands for his class reunion at La Fontaine College. Ten years ago he received his first of eleven doctorate degrees. Although his first Ph.D was awarded for his work in Animal Husbandry, some of his more respected degrees were in such diverse fields as Taxidermy and Marriage Counseling.

To honor Doctor BILLINGSGATE for his philanthropic efforts in educating the unwashed, the undisciplined and the unwanted, for a limited time La Fontaine College will award free doctorates in the following areas:

1. Somalian Retribution (If you dislike Somalians, you will love this course)
2. After-Casket Experiences (Taught by Ponce de Leon)
3. Nuclear Ice Fishing (Narrated by Al Gore)
4. Golf etiquette (Can't we all just get along?)
5. Golf Cheating (By Bill Clinton and Kim Jung IL)
6. Eunuch Pastorization (You be the victim)
7. Restuffing Your Turkey (A template for slow learners)
8. Leather Fetish Items (No whips and no whimpering)
9. Tie Dyed Underwear Staining (For convoluted lower bowel movements)
10. Deviant Sex Pursuits (With and without leather)

NOTE: To insure prompt delivery, please provide a valid credit card number with your order.
The shipping and handling fee for all items exclusive of Number 10 is $29.99. If
you order "with leather," add an additional stipend of $129.00.

Ask Dr. BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: Of all the honors that I have received for the BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL, none has given me more pleasure than the Major Amos B. Hoople Award for the awesomely personal feature in which the Doctor answers mundane questions from real people in a style not seen since Dear Abby flunked the "fog the mirror" test three years before rigor mortis made it difficult for her to take pen in hand. What more can I say?

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

As Foreign Minister for Kim Jung IL, I find it reprehensible that you imply that Kim Jung's sex slaves snicker behind his back about the diminutive size of his organ. That kind of talk just makes him more angry, and he takes it out on me......Park Sun

Dear Mr. Park Sun,

Are you trying to tell me that Kim Jung gets so mad that he parks it where the sun doesn't shine? Have you considered telling him that your buttocks are off limits to his rapacious desires? Tell him to keep his mittens off your kittens.

Just remember what Confucious say: "Sun shine best where no Kim Jung shadow park." I hope that this profundity takes away some of the soreness. Believe me, I feel your pain.........Next question please!

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

Why don't you ever write about your mentor, Dr. Cleotus Earlbeck? Is he still counting tortoise eggs and collecting bat guana in the Galapagos Islands? I miss hearing about his Darwinian adventures. Life seemed so simple back then. Other than Senator John Kerry and a demented ground hog creating havoc, there weren't so many wackos running around.......Carl Spackler

Dear Carl,

Whatsup? Good hearing from you again. I haven't watched Caddy Shack for a long time, either. Still can't believe how that little varmint got your goat. Great movie about a real terror threat.

Got bad new concerning Dr. Cleotus. He was out watching the giant tortoises racing around the beach and fell into deep trench of fresh bat guana. Got a nose full of the stuff and swore off drinking until he got back to his favorite bar. He now considers himself a batguanaholic and is in recovery. I will keep in touch.

Kim Jung Declares War on Dr. B

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

EARLY BULLETIN: The little piss-ant dictator from North Korea has finally found his natural enemy, and he is determined to get me. How else can you explain the four dead rats that I found at the base of a palm tree this past Saturday while playing golf in Coronado? For the informed intelligencia, the significance of this overt act of intimidation needs no explanation. The last time a rat was allowed on the Coronado Golf Course was when President Clinton played (cheated) his way around these links while he was Supreme Commander and didn't need to follow any stinkin USGA rules. That historic round of mulligans and 10 foot gimme putts produced the first sub 80 score of his cheating life.

To put the four rats into a perspective that even a non-golfer might understand, Kim Jung Il declared war on Dr. BILLINGSGATE this past Saturday. At this very moment, I would have to presume a nookyouleer tipped No Dong missile has my name on it. Put another way, I doubt that Kim Jung saw even one dead rat when he shot the lowest round ever; the unbelievable score of 34 that even Tiger can't touch. Hell, that's 25 strokes better than anyone has ever scored anywhere.

Even Slick Willie had to draw the line. That's why he sent Madeleine Halfbright over to North Korea. He knew that he didn't have the balls to confront Kim Jung on nuclear proliferation, much less golf. In hindsight, I bet he wishes he had sent Janet Reno instead. The way she took out those Branch Dravidians in Waco was awesome. She was better than Patton on his best day. Tanks, mortars, howitzers. She even used flame throwers on those poor bastards. She would have made Kim's asshole pucker, no doubt.

Guaranteed he wouldn't be lobbing missiles over Japan and doing underground tests if Big Janet had kicked his ass. Also, there would be no dead rats on my golf course. You talk about a black cat jinxing you. Can you even imagine what it means to be cursed by not one, not two, not three; but four f.....g dead rats! Incomprehensible. All that because Clinton sent the wrong wool to North Korea.

Anyway, I believe that the days of Dr. BILLINGSGATE enjoying a relaxing round of golf are toast. Even so, I'm not backing off. Kim Jung Il, I hope that your sex slaves laugh at your little pecker......Behind your back, of course.

Why Kim Jung Il is really dangerous

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Pyongyang, North Korea)

NOTE: Because the diminutive one from North Korea just celebrated the success of his penis enlargement operation by discharging a nuclear emission, I thought it proper to republish this entry that was first published in the JOURNAL over a year ago when the Korean News Bureau notified the world that little Kim posted a record round of 34 at the Pyongyang Golf Club, once and forever usurping the title from Tiger Woods as the world's best golfer. Because the successful nuclear test was much easier to accomplish than his record round, Kim Jung barely acknowledged it to the world. Is this pygmy dwarf nuts or not?

By the way. if you don't believe that he shot this score, just go to Google and type in: Kim Jung Il Golf.

BULLETIN: More than a half century has passed since an armistice was signed in Panmunjeom that divided the Korean peninsula into North and South Korea and ended the Korean War. Astride the Military Demarcation Line that runs down the middle of this no man's land is The Bridge of No Return, so named because anyone who chose to go to North Korea would never be allowed to return.

Across this bridge and to the north is Pyongyang, the capitol city of North Korea. There, on a crisp October morning in 1994 at the Pyongyang Golf Club, smack in the middle of the Axis of Evil, Comrade General Kim Jong Il inexplicably played the par 72 course in just 34 strokes from the back tees. Resident professional, Park Young Man, together with Kim's 17 body guards attested his score card which included an improbable five holes in one and 13 eagles.

How does a man who heads a country whose 22 million citizens are on the verge of starvation and who commands an army of over a million men find time to work on his game? The truth is that Kim Jong had never touched a club before his record round. Instead he relied on "Juche" or self reliance. After learning that his epic score was 25 strokes better than ever achieved, Kim decided that there were greater challenges in life and threw his clubs into Taesung Lake and has not played since. As Confucious said, "Man blames fate for every misfortune but feels personally responsible for hole-in-one."

What was Kim's real secret? Was it his Don King hairdo? Had his intelligence gurus broken the code, unveiling Ben Hogan's much discussed but never revealed secret? Will the wily dictator try to exchange his swing thoughts for enriched plutonium or rice for his starving millions. Or will he try to blackmail Tiger by threatening to take his game to the PGA Tour? Might the striped one's new bride dump him for the more athletic tyrant?

Inveterate readers of the JOURNAL might ponder all of these questions, but still wonder why BILLINGSGATE traveled all the way to Pyongyang for this story. It's the Commie pinkos taking another slice of our life, stupid! You guys just don't get it. If that bad haired bandido could conquer the game of golf without ever taking a lesson, what chance had we when Clinton sent over Madeliene Halfbright to negotiate a nuclear arm's treaty. Do you liberals get it, or do I have to remind you that North Korea acquired 'GOLF' class submarines from the Soviets in 1994 and have modified them to shoot NO DONG missiles at us. My guess as to why the Koreans named them NO DONG was to honor Bill Clinton when Hillary found out about his tryst with Monica Lewinsky.

Once again the BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL has blissfully ignored all ethical taboos and lowered its standards to bring you news that heretofore only CBS and The New York Times dared to launch on their unsophisticated audiences.

Mark Foley: Diva or Deviate?

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Washington)

BULLETIN: With Washington writhing over revelations that Representative Mark Foley had orgasmic phone sex with a young page while the rest of his Congressional mateys were wrestling among themselves on the floor, possible for the same effect, perhaps we should reflect on what is driving this contretemps.

Most of you far right wackos probably think I'm going to lay the blame on George Soros and the liberal media. You underestimate the great BILLINGSGATE. The Doctor sees things beyond the threshold of common understanding. Compared to me, the rest of you are afflicted with the same symptomatic condition that Curley of the Three Stooges describes when he exclaims. "I'm trying to think but nothing happens."

Let me make my point before you fall into terminal somnambulism. Everyone in Washington knew that Foley was a scissors butt, so light in the loafers that he, not Michael Jackson, was the first to do the moonwalk on earth. But the liberals would like everyone to believe that this was not a "gay" thing. This was about a Republican who used his position of power so that he could entice naive young hay shakers from the heartland of America, boys so innocent that they did sex blindfolded so as not to corrupt their nature.

I honestly believe that Mr. Foley believed he was doing these boys a favor by engaging them in filthy e-mails before these idealistic young men had a chance of being corrupted by some rotten-mouthed, scumbag coed from State College back home.

As usual, you will not see the above reflection on the pages of the New York Times or hear it from Wolf Blitzer on CNN, though I wouldn't put it past Katie Couric to think on this level.

If there is anyone out there who feels cheated when he reads the JOURNAL, please have a friend pull the plug on your respirator. You are wasting precious resources.