Ask Dr. BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

Dear Dr. B,

Do you believe that Barack Obama is "black enough" to satisfy both pre-pubescent white punk rockers and precocious black hip hoppers who might vote in the next Presidential election? I highly value your opinion in such dichotomous matters...Reverend Jesse Jackson

Dear Rev. Jackson,

Thank you, O Holy One. I also value your advice and opinion regarding finite matters, especially when I am shaking down my devotees for contributions. It certainly is a dichotomous matter. There are two chances that members of these divergent factions of our multicultural existence might be satisfied.....Slim and none.

Dear Dr. B,

Were you even slightly titillated by the sight of Hillary's cleavage that everyone is talking about. I want an honest answer. Not your usual smart-ass one....Slick Willy

Dear Slick One,

Much as I would like to treat your question with the respect that it is entitled because of your stature, I must inform you that the sight of your wife's cleavage gave me the same thrill as when I first saw the Monongahela and Allegheny Rivers join together to form the Ohio River in Pittsburgh. I hope that you have the same feelings for this natural wonder.

Dear Dr. B,

You must be aware about global warming. What feelings do you have when you see those poor Polar bears adrift on ice flows, trapped with no way to reach shore. As a humanist, what are your thoughts concerning this lamentable debacle?...Al Gore

Dear Big Al,

I want to reach out and touch you with a Louisville Slugger, you lying son-of-a-bitch. First of all, Polar bears can swim 100 miles without breaking a sweat. As a humanist, I would like you to join them. Perhaps with your blubber, you could pass yourself off as a whale and tow them to shore. Lamentable debacle, my ass!

The Doctor is out of his office until Monday.

Jihad closes Guantanamo Bay

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Guantanamo Bay, Cuba)

BULLETIN: Jihad Kisley, the simian expatriot from the Orangutan Rehab Center in Sumatra, who was captured while attempting to board a flight from Honolulu to LAX a couple of weeks ago, is now a detainee in the GITMO facility that is presently being used to house dangerous Muslim jihadists captured in Afghanistan and Iraq by Coalition forces.

Jihad, who was on his way to a class reunion, was nabbed by Home Security officials in Honolulu who felt he fit the raghead profile disseminated by top Rumsfeld Goombahs after 9/11. Although not as tall as most homo sapien terrorists, his facial features and abundant body hair made him a prime suspect in the war against terror. Caged in a 10x12 cell among hundreds of other suspected terrorists, Jihad had bamboozled the BCST (Behavioral Science Consultation Team) assigned to debrief him. Speaking in a dialect that so far they have not been able to quantify, the hirsute chimp squeaked and grunted through hours and hours of intense interrogation without giving up any information remotely connected to Al Queda or bin Laden. Suspecting that he may have undergone SERE (Survival, Evasion, Resistance and Escape) training prior to his capture, they decided to strap him onto a waterboard and soften him up a tad. This was a real "rumble in the jungle" for the beleaguered orangutan, but he prevailed. Not only did he not spill the beans about bin Laden, he changed history.

I am sorry to say that they are now planning to close down GITMO. For years the ACLU and the bleeding heart, pinko liberals have been trying to close this facility because they felt that the ragheads were being deprived of their constitutional right to kill us. Ironically, it was PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) who stepped in and demanded the facility be closed.

The moral of this story is that if you treat ragheads like humans, some monkey will make you pay dearly for it.

The Doctor does not tolerate dissonance from his devoted devotees. Tune in or tune out.

Dr. Billingsgate's 50th Reunion

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: Not since General Douglas MacArthur returned to Leyte Island in the Philippines in 1944, fulfilling his promise to return, has there been more anticipation than Dr. Billingsgate's return for his 50th high school reunion. Using a diversionary tactic that MacArthur would have been proud of, the classmates who were in charge of organizing the reunion were led to believe that Bob Kisley was bringing back two orangutans from Sumatra as part of his posse.

Lisa and Jihad, the orangutans who were commandeered by Kisley from the Orangutan Rehabilitation Center in Northern Sumatra, were to have been sold to the local zoo to pay for Kisley's passage. However, while trying to board the plane from Honolulu to LAX, Jihad was apprehended by Home Security marshalls who believed him to have connections to Al-Queda. Jihad led the marshalls on a chase that ended after he was shot in the butt with a tranquilizer dart, but not before he had bitten off the nose and two fingers of one of his captors. The last we heard he was being flown to Gitmo by the CIA for water-board training. Let me assure you, he will not give up information concerning bin Laden's hiding place. He is one tough monkey.

Anyway, the reunion committee was atwitter and clucking in anticipation of the Kisley group's arrival. Lisa and Jihad had name cards with their pictures, just like the rest of the class. Quite frankly, when I saw their pictures, I thought that Jim Turner and Gerald Peschel had found a magic formula for growing body hair.

In retrospect, I was quite disappointed that none of my old classmates seemed impressed with the eleven Doctorates that I had earned since I graduated from High School in 1957. Burned in my memory is the remark that Sister Eileen wrote on one of my report cards for my parents to read, "Paul will never amount to a hill of beans unless he learns to cheat better." Well, I hope she's proud of me now.

The Doctor