Hannibal Lector vs the Chipmunk

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL

BULLETIN: Outlined against a somber blue-grey October sky in Cleveland, Ohio, Hannibal Lector Cheney brings back images of Pestilence as he plots the extermination of the rodent-like Edwards as the time of the fateful debate draws near. As part of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Pestilence rode with Famine, Destruction and Death in the biblical charge to wipe out earlier epochal versions of tyrannical liberal hypocrisy. Although BILLINGSGATE doesn't wish to appear Stygian, time will tell whether this latest variant will be defeated.

Tonight, Vice President Dick Cheney will debate the cuter than life, bobble-headed chipmunk-cheeked John Edwards in an anticipated free for all that has the nation's voters on the edges of their seats. Crack BILLINGSGATE investigator, Detrick "Dirty Trick" Detwiler has been following the flow of this potential one round TKO.

While using a combination of computer algorithms and human intelligence, Detwiler has been sifting this mass of information to discern the "tonalities" that have been shaping election modalities as November 2 approaches. This approach has put the JOURNAL at the forefront in identifying key political trends weeks before those changes appear in traditional forums.

The JOURNAL now reports that Cheney, who claims to have never met a rodent he liked, sought advice from the voluble Carl Spackler of Caddyshack fame as to how to avoid the same mistakes Spackler made in his epic battle with a recalitrant ground hog. Spackler, hardly a neo-con, but never the less an advocate of law and order, suggested that the vice president remain unflapable and not to underestimate the determination of a litigious rodent when the varmint sets his mind to destroying the American way of life.

Dirty Trick Detwiler, no newcomer to this type of campaign, will be investigating and reporting all of the uncertainties endemic to factually true but completely unproveable factoids that are commonly featured by the JOURNAL, CBS and the New York Times.