McMuttleys Opens in Seoul, Korea

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL ( Dateline Seoul, Korea)

BULLETIN: Dog lovers of another type are celebrating in the capital city of South Korea. With the opening of its flagship franchise, the McMuttley Corporation hopes to recreate the same success that Ray Kroc had when he first introduced McDonalds here in the USA. Using the same business formula that made McDonalds the world leader in the fast-foods industry, McMuttleys has incorporated the "Golden Leash" as their trademark. With their Big Mutt Burger and side order of Kim Chee, they feel that they can put fido on the menu at a price that most Koreans can afford.

While this might offend the sensibilities of narrow minded dog owners who love and care for their pets as if they were children, the average Korean looks at a dog as a walking sandwich. Quite frankly, they would just as soon have the rest of the world gag at the thought of eating a Big Mutt Burger, since that enhances their image as a democratic bottom feeder republic. As far as they are concerned, just because your mutt would do anything to please you, perhaps even save your life, that does not mean that you should bond to them anymore than you would bond to a sheep or a heifer that provided you relief at one time or another. Illustrative of this phenomena is the use of the infamous "Montana pole." For those not familiar with Big Sky folklore, history has it that these poles were made from broken or discarded pitchforks from which some ingenious sheepherder attached a mirror on the end to see if the sheep was smiling. By the way, the reason that I am able to discuss these permutations of human nature so dispassionately is because I am The Doctor, and I have devoted many years to these studies.

By now, I believe that even the most dense of BILLINGSGATE devotees have gotten the point that we shouldn't look down our noses at the Koreans just because they feel differently about their pets. I bet you cannot wait until you see a Golden Leash in your neighborhood.

Muttley Come Home

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)


BULLETIN: Most of my devotees are old enough to remember the movie classic, "Lassie Come Home," which starred then youngsters, Roddy McDowall and Elizabeth Taylor and Lassie. It was a tear jerker story about a poor boy's dog, when sold to a rich man, makes an arduous journey back to the original owner. The movie was nominated for an Oscar, but failed to win because Hollywood was then under the control of the Communist Party, and Josef Stalin didn't like dogs because they were considered bourgeois accoutrements.

Anyway, in addition to Lassie getting screwed because of the Commie pinkos distaste for dogs, poor Muttley also got the short end of the bone for his role in "Dastardly and Muttley in Their Flying Machine." As part of the "Vulture Squad" with Zilly and Klunk, Muttley and his crew's mission was to stop the pernicious renegade, Yankee Doodle Pidgeon. Under his boss, Dick Dastardly, Muttley always demanded a medal for following his dimwitted leader's battle plans. Muttley was known for his distinctive passive-aggressive attitude. His classic "yeah, yeah, yeah!" response to any order became recognized by Harvard Business School as the proper way to answer a superior's suggestion. Muttley was also recognized for his laugh and curses. If anyone is interested in hearing these, I suggest they download these classics at: www.hotink.com/wacky/dastrdly.

Reflective devotees may wonder why I am so involved in the injustices done to these fine dogs, especially since we are in Christmas season. My answer is that, if not me, who else would engage the pinkos in this fight for recognizing the deeds of man's best friend? Have you ever seen a dog in Moscow? How about China, where they will only allow one dog and one child per family? What about George McGovern losing the Irish Setter, Upset? Of course, the common denominator is that Stalin, Mao and McGovern were all of the same pinko ilk, dog lovers not.

So while we celebrate the holidays, keep in mind that even in a dog loving nation such as ours, there are forces of evil working 24/7 to deprive us of our constitutional right to own a dog.

God Bless and have a Merry Christmas!

The Doctor cares

Ask Dr. BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: From time to time I find it necessary to clear my head by answering questions sent to me by my global devotees and other vitally concerned nonentities. To wit:

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

This past week I have been overwhelmed by the drama of what happened to Senator McGovern's dog, Upset. Now that it has been determined that the hapless McGovern either lost the dog or it was stolen, it brings back memories of my dog Muttley. As if anyone need be reminded, Muttley was famous for his shtick. Instead of the usual "bow wow" that most dogs use to evidence their pleasure, Mottley would give his staccato response of, "yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! when pleased. Do you think there was any connection between McGovern losing his dog and then getting sacked in the election?.......Dastardly Dan

Dear Dastardly,

That was a very convoluted preamble to the meat and potatoes of the question. I was one of Muttley's greatest fans and still dream of his quaint delivery. In fact, anytime that I am asked a question, I try to emulate his response, which brings a sly smile to my cat's face. Yes, indeed.

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

Why do you think that as I grow older I find myself becoming more and more attracted to Rosie O'Donnell? ......Barbara Walters

Dear Barbara WaWa,

Wow! It was lucky for Rosie that Danny DeVito was drunk when he was on the show with you and the corpulent dyke. Don't you get warm and fuzzy when Rosie's third set of chins get rolling when she goes ching chong chong ching? What do you think the poor rickshaw drivers in Shanghai think when they see her making fun of their dialect? I'll bet they don't find it as erotic as you do. To answer your question; I believe that after a third face lift most women your age are ready for a roll in the hay with an overweight, transgender Irish loudmouth. Since you have nothing more to lose, I say that you should take one more chance with love.

The Doctor wishes all devotees a wonderful weekend. GO CHARGERS!

Upset: The Final Story

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: The sad ending of an unresolved mystery.

Mr. Alexander,

Concerning the story of the dog named "Upset": Indeed, while on the campaign trail the Senator was given a puppy that was named Upset. However, by the time the Senator was ready to board his plane and leave, the dog was nowhere to be found, and was presumed stolen. I'm sorry that there wasn't a happier ending to the story, like maybe he brought good luck and was renamed Winner, but alas, the truth is all I can share.

Regards,

Mary Mortenson
McGovern Executive Assistant



FOOTNOTE: The Doctor wishes to thank Mr. Alexander for his diligent search for the truth. In behalf of the BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL and its editors, Mr. Alexander was awarded an Honorary Doctorate Degree in Animal Husbandry from La Fontaine College, signed by the Honorable Chancellor Viscount Billingsgate, PhD. It was duly noted on the diploma that Mr. Alexander was certified as being able to make a sheep smile.

A devoted BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL devotee, indeed.

No "Upset" Update

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: Despite the heroic efforts of the indefatigable Dr. BILLINGSGATE and dedicated JOURNAL devotee, Johnny A, who by the way, was one of only three devotees to break the code on both the Hamm's Beer Bear and the McGovern mutt, there is no update on Upset, the mismonikered Irish Setter.

It just might be that by misnaming this despicable cur back in 1972, the arrogant McGovern not only sealed his own defeat, he gave Richard Nixon's dog, Checkers, the undisputed title of Top Dog in the Whitehouse until Nixon was forced out of the Presidency because of the Watergate scandal. It is disputable as to which dog got the short end of the bone. You tell me (if you were a dog) would you rather have a name like Upset or be run out of the Whitehouse on a rail with the boss?

To go back to the efforts to update Upset's possible name change, the Doctor hisself emailed David Yepsen, the writer for the DesMoines Register who broke the story of how the hapless McGovern was given the Irish Setter to replace his running mate Thomas Eagleton, after it was learned that Eagleton had received shock therapy for depression. Remindful of what happened to Randle Patrick McMurphy while he was receiving the same therapy under the care of Nurse Ratched in One Flew Over the Cookoo's Nest, you might ask the same question posed in the book, "If he's crazy, what does that make you?" Anyway, columnist Yepsen was nice enough to return my email, but said that he had no knowledge of a name change. I respectfully pointed out that he was blowing a chance for a gimmee Pulitzer Prize by declining to go the extra step on this story.

BULLETIN! BULLETIN! BULLETIN! Sorry to interrupt the story, but Drudge just headlined the fast breaking news that Hillary Clinton announced that she just completed her second menopause and that she will balance the budget if elected President. When asked how she would accomplish this, she stated that she would stop the bleeding by putting a bounty on all Americans who are drawing Social Security benefits, offering the bounty hunters $10,000 bucks a head and a place in her cabinet.

Back to the story: Not to be outdone and grappling for a lifetime subscription to the JOURNAL, Johnny A emailed the library of McGovern's alma mater to see if they could help in the effort to determine if Upset had been renamed. So far, there has been no response from the librarian.

Thanks for the patience in reading this posting. If you are drawing Social Security, please turn yourself in so that Hillary doesn't have to waste precious resources tracking you down.

The Doctor has spoken.

Don't need no stinkin Bible

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Washington)

BULLETIN: This is the only way I know how to handle this bombshell. The first raghead to be elected to Congress basically dissed the President one day and then had the gall to say that he wouldn't use a Bible to be sworn in. Instead, he wants to use Islam's answer to Hitler's Mein Kampf. Well kiss my ass, you cross pollinated son of a piss ant and a wayward camel. If you even come close to a Bible, you should burn in hell.

What in hell are they smoking up in Minnesota. Electing a Muslim to represent them in Congress. For that I swear I will boycott the state. I will never cheer for the Vikings. I won't even fly on Northwest Airlines if the plane touches down in Minneapolis before landing in Omaha. Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer. I hate your gay dancing bear. What you'll have? Coors Light, that's what! The state of 10,000 lakes. I would rather have it be one lake and no state. Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox, faggots both. Screw the memories of Hubert Humphrey and George McGovern. They were both commie pinkos. I could go on, but I am running short of time.

The other thing I want to rant about is closer to home. In San Diego they used to have a beautiful seasonal event at Balboa Park called "Christmas at the Prado." The new politically correct name for this traditional celebration now has the sterile name, "December Nights." I wouldn't honor that joint with my presence if they were handing out free Christmas poozle to bald headed eunuchs.

The Doctor is back!