The Three Stooges from Massachusetts

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: It's very difficult, but not impossible, to forget that Massachusetts is the home of the Red Sox and the New England Patriots who have done very well this season. But the same state that produced Paul Revere and the Boston Tea Party has also produced the modern version of the Three Stooges; Johnny, Teddy and Barney.*

In their latest movie, "We're in a Quagmire" directed by Michael Moore, Johnny's line, "I'm trying to think, but nothing happens" makes Kerry appear much more intellectual than you would expect of a Yale graduate. However, Teddy, a Harvard grad, makes even Johnny look smart as he KNUK! KNUKS his way through a couple of double martinis. Then the eccentric looking Barney brings the audience to it's feet when he head butts both Johnny and Teddy with a double THONK! to their respective hat racks, WOOB! WOOBING as they pull his beak through a key hole.

Are these guys as dumb as they look? No question about it. DUMB, DUMMER ,and DUMMEST! The only ones dummer are the citizens they count on to re-elect them. Even after the successfull vote yesterday in Iraq, they are too dense to get it! In the pantheon of idiots only Barbara Boxer and Nancy Pelosi can challenge them, which shows you that Californians aren't that much smarter. And worse, we don't have the Red Sox and the Patriots.

Of special interest to BILLINGSGATE is Teddy boy. Just days before the election he tried to sandbag the President and the Iraqis by suggesting that we should begin an immediate troop PULL OUT. Here is a (man) who when he was a young senator with presidential aspirations back in 1969, swam ashore from his sunken Oldsmobile and left Mary Jo Kopechne to suffocate in the waters off Chappaquiddick Island. You talk about your PULL OUTS! Oh, and by the way, he reported the accident 10 hours later after sobering up and talking to his lawyers. Her parents never received an apology from this fat faced, liberal piss ant coward.

BULLETIN: If anyone has any questions regarding BILLINGSGATE'S true feelings toward these three stooges from Massachusetts, please reread the above.

* John Kerry, Ted Kennedy and Barney Frank

Going to the mattresses

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: Muster the goombahs and hit the mattresses! In the movie, "The Godfather" Michael Corleone went to the mattresses when trying to eradicate his enemies. His pathetic band of sociopathic goombahs gathered together in a rummy apartment, threw down moldy mattresses for bedding, put on a pot of spaghetti and lived like Sicilians for a couple of weeks, not leaving until they ran out of meatballs.

"Yo! BILLINGSGATE. What's a matter with you"!
"Nothing. What's a matter with you"?
"Nothing. What's a matter with you"?
"Meatsa ballsa!"
"Yo! BILLINGSGATE.....betrayal..."

Yes, I'm getting a little paranoid. Seems like we may have to go to the mattresses. Stinkin liberals are closing in on me. Trying to shut me down. An institution in America being treated like yesterday's fishwrap by these latter day commies. Apparently my nomination for the Bulshitzer Prize has been canned because of political correctness. Now my journals will be just another postscript to the illusory history of neo-con values, part of the flotsam bobbing behind the dam of pinko obstructionism, condemned, eviserated and banned from receiving a just evaluation from the Bulshitzer Board.

To my neo-con readers, I enjoin you to hit the mattresses and hit 'em hard. We need to wipe these pukes out. I promise clean mattresses and meatsa-ballsa until we get 'em all.

Cordially, BILLINGSGATE

Curriculum Vitae Questioned

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Grand Cayman Island)

BULLETIN: Why BILLINGSGATE should have to defend his Curriculum Vitae from scurrilous attacks that quite fortuitously come from those with no academic credentials of their own is a question in itself. However, BILLINGSGATE has agreed to answer these critics once and forever in order to shut down any future attempts to discredit his award winning journalism.

First of all, let's set this straight. LaFontaine College is fully accredited by the Cayman Island Consortium of Higher Learning. This is not a diploma mill. It has a fully credentialed faculty that operates out of the garage of Chancelor E.Z. LaFontaine's estate. Because the campus is so compact, students can easily go from class to class, gathering diplomas as they chat. The requirement that students are physically required to attend graduation ceremonies separates this institution from the diploma mills that give colleges a bad name.

Because of the ease in which money can be tranferred from one account to another without oversight, banks flourish on these beautiful Caribbean islands. But what drew BILLINGSGATE to the Cayman's was the chance to get a quality education without being subjected to intrusive and potentially humiliating entrance exams, plus the bonus of receiving a medley of Doctorate degrees without having to waste precious time going to insipidly taught classes after early morning golf.

Hopefully this conclusive information will allow readers of the JOURNAL to relieve themselves of the nagging doubt that BILLINGSGATE is a deranged charlatan. Fear not, my faithful readers. I'm the real head cheese.

Ask Dr. BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

Ever since the election my husband has not been himself. He complains about everything; stomach problems, not being able to focus, and most troublesome of all, during sex he cries out, "Johnny, they hardly even knew ye." What do you suggest?....Teresa Heinz Kerry

Dear Teresa,

Since this is the very first letter that I will address in this new format, let me congratulate you for taking advantage of my services. Fortunately, the complexity of your problem allows me to use most, if not all, of my recently acquired degrees.

First, regarding your husband's stomach problem. It sounds like he suffers from acute post election-gastroesophagel reflux disease. In layman's terms, he can't stomach defeat.

Secondly, regarding his inability to focus. If you are describing his reaction to when he looks at you, it is quite understandable that he has a problem focusing. Even with your money, you are, ahem, less than an eyefull.

Third, In respect to the Senator's haunting proclamation during sex, I assume he is either speaking of all the Swift Boat comrades that he hosed after he left Vietnam or he is talking about his ex wife. Believe me, it's not unusual for a male to talk to his penis while engaging in sex.

Dr. BILLINGSGATE'S Final Response: Since it is very unusual to be able to combine my potpouri of degrees (Medical, Divinity, Animal Husbandry, Advanced Cloning, Law, Psychology, Taxidermy, Marriage Counseling and Money Laundering) into one workable solution, special emphasis was given to my degree in Taxidermy: Simply put, tell Johnny to stuff it where the sun doesn't shine, but please practice safe sex during the procedure.

BILLINGSGATE receives Doctorates

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego and Cayman Islands)

BULLETIN: It is no secret that since the election BILLINGSGATE has been metaphysically stretched to find suitable material for his blog postings. Although there was an overwhelming response to last week's erudite medical article titled, "Rusty Pipes," there has also been a never ending request for me to devote additional time to the extremely popular "Letters to BILLINGSGATE" column. Until now I have felt less than qualified to advise readers regarding medical and personal questions.

That, faithful readers, was yesterday. Unknown even to family and close friends was that BILLINGSGATE was working with the LaFontaine College in the Cayman Islands and recently completed their Potpouri Program that grants a medley of Doctorate Degrees in Medicine and Divinity, Animal Husbandry, Advanced Cloning, a Law Degree, a PhD. in Psychology and Taxidermy and an Associate Degree in Marriage Counseling and Money Laundering. Critical to all this, of course, was the timing. With a requirement to pass comprehensive exams in all areas within 6 weeks, you can imagine the cramming necessary to fulfill these requirements in a timely manner.

And now, since California and the Cayman Islands are both controlled by henchman of the Governator, the establishment of reciprocity between the two governments allows DR. BILLINGSGATE to practice as if licensed in both domains.

BULLETIN: DR. BILLINGSGATE is now taking questions limited to the above fields of knowledge in which he holds degrees. All questions will be treated seriously, although confidentiality cannot be guaranteed. Please keep your questions pithy, but don't allow brevity to supercede the need for voyeuristic content.

Rusty Pipes

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

MEDICAL BULLETIN: Since most of my readers are geriatric wannabees, this information could possibly save the life of your significant other. In the January edition of the New England Medical Journal, Urologist, Dr. Feest-Juarize Ondispecker suggests that all men over the age of 60 who have had no sexual activity for six months or more advise potential partners to update their tetanus shot before engaging in sex. Dr. Ondispecker found that because of rusty residue in the male plumbing, the chance of the partner contracting lockjaw was a risk that was too dangerous to ignore.

It is suspected that most of you will continue to engage in your old libidinous but safe habit of dreaming and scheming in lieu of actualizing, so the chances of this affecting the health of your significant other is at best remote. Even so, Dr. Ondispecker says that it is better to be safe than sorry and suggests that all males 60 years or older should clean out their pipes periodically or risk their unsuspecting partner contacting lockjaw.

BULLETIN: If this article doesn't put BILLINGSGATE in the running for the Nobel Prize for Medicine there is no justice. How tidy it would be to receive the Bulshitzer and Nobel Prize in the same year. Without precedent, yes. Impossible, no.

BILLINGSGATE nominated for Bulshitzer Prize

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL: (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: From their headquarters in Amsterdam, the committee of the prestigous Bulshitzer Prize announced yesterday that the BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL was nominated for the Bulshitzer's eponymous award for the JOURNAL's work in identifying the anthropopatheistic qualities of the Giant Tortoises that are indigenous to the Galapagos Islands. For bloggers suchs as BILLINGSGATE this prize is the equivalent of the Nobel Prize, the Pulitzer, the Academy Award and the Super Bowl Trophy all wrapped into one.

For those of you who haven't followed BILLINGSGATE religiously, he was first to write about the work of BILLINGSGATE INSTITUTE founder, Dr. Cleotus "Clete" Earlbeck, who spent years studying the migration patterns of the nobel Giant Tortoises who were first discovered by Charles Darwin some years ago while visiting the Galapagos. In his studies, Dr. Earlbeck correlated the choice of the tortoises to take the "high road" to their destination in years in which the conservative candidate for the presidency was elected. When they chose the "low road", alas, the liberal won.

This year, BILLINGSGATE, in consultation with the gentle doctor, was the very first blogger courageous enough to put the election of President Bush into the "mortal lock" category; thus defining him as a living legend and hero to blogger pundits of all stripes and colors, fully meritorius and deserving the Bulshitzer Prize.

BULLETIN: Hip! Hip! Ooorah for BILLINGSGATE! Job well done.

Letters to BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: As you might imagine there has been a virtual tsunami of letters to respond to. The best of the best:

"Your ignorance concerning the age of consent for monkeys shows that you are just another anthropopatheist"....The Monkeys

Response: Touche

"Are you sure you that San Francisco is Sodom and Gomorrah on steroids? It doesn't go well with the song".....Tony Bennett

Response: Sorry, Tony. Would a Viagra and nitro popper cocktail fit into the lyrics?

"Where can I buy one of those leather cupless thong tuxedos that Jake the Primate wore to his wedding"?....Janet Jackson

Response: Two questions: Is this for your boobs or your brother's balls? And does Michael monkey around with underage primates?

"You portray us as just another bunch of uncaring, insensitive butches doing wheelies on Harleys, wearing leather crotchless chaps. Do you think that Snoop Doggy Dogg would do a segment on us like, Dykes gone Wild in the City"?.....Miketa, President of Dykes on Bikes, San Francisco Chapter

Response: Sounds like it would be just up his alley. Do you need an agent?

"BILLINGSGATE, you have gone over the edge, portraying yourself as some kind of deity who watches over the doings of infidels from above. That is my job"......Lucifer

Response: Hey, Luke. No offense. Just a little hyperbole, homey. You got the job. (Whew, I hope I didn't piss him off. Who needs those liberal bastards anyway)

Mullahs blame Tsunami on infidels

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: Whew! Can't tell you how glad I was to get out of San Francisco in one piece. If there is any place in the universe that deserves a little tsunami chin music, it's the City. You talk about your infidels! San Francisco is Sodom and Gomorrah on steroids. This ain't Kansas anymore, Toto. This is Babylon on the Bay.

So why should the Mullahs blame card carrying infidels for the Indian Ocean tsunami that devasted these predominately Muslim areas. If Allah had any sense of justice, He would have thrown a 400 mph wet spitter down the middle of the bath houses and porn pavillions that attract sinners of all faiths to this sexopolis. If nothing else, He could have deep-sixed Barry Bonds before he hits any more tainted tators into the bay. For baseball purists who fear Bonds will overtake Hank Aaron's home run record with the assistance of steroids, a well directed tsunami would have obviated any need for an asterisk in the record book.

And what about those leatherette Dykes on Bikes who show off their wares in their annual parade? Do you honestly believe a just Allah would allow them to do wheelies while good people perish in Thailand and Sumatra? In a city whose citizens have thumbed their nose at everything that most of us hold sacred, if Allah were vengeful, they're toast.

So to you all Mullahs throughout the world, BILLINGSGATE respectfully requests that you leave our beloved infidels out of this tsunami blame game. From atop the minarets of mosques from which the muezzin summon the faithful to prayer, let Muslims watch over Muslims. And from atop my humble offices, let BILLINGSGATE watch over the infidels.

BULLETIN: Although BILLINGSGATE writes for a predominately American readership, at times the patois is quite difficult for those of foreign lands to discern. For those unfortunates a glossary will be provided.

GLOSSARY:
1. Chin music: a baseball thrown by the pitcher at the chin of the batter to get his attention.
2. Kansas: a red state in middle America.
3. Wet spitter: an illegal baseball pitch in which the pitcher has applied spit to the ball for the nefarious purpose of effecting the rotation of ball.
4. Tator: short for "potato" as in "tator tots". Slang term used to describe a homerun.
5. Dykes on bikes: Lesbians who ride Harleys while wearing cutaway leather chaps that expose private parts.

Primate denies taking advantage of gay lover

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Francisco, but heading South)

BULLETIN: Seeking to dispel any doubts that he took advantage of his position as "Bull" monkey in the San Francisco Zoo in order to charm the pants off gay paramour, Cornelius Hunnington III, Jake the Primate issued a statement saying that he was "unaware of any cultural or legal restrictions that would prohibit him from exposing himself to his cross dressing zoo tender."

Usually BILLINGSGATE would let a story like this die of its own momentum. But since this story was first published it has taken on a life of its own. I have been inundated from all sides by both those who seek to protect monkeys from petophiliacs and those who say what takes place in the bedroom between two consenting mammals is not anyone's business.

Now this is exactly what those who damned same-sex marriages said would happen. Once that glass ceiling was broken, all Hell would break loose. What would prevent multiple wives or husbands be taken if so desired by consenting partners? Furthermore, why should pets be left out of the equation? Already animal lovers have bequeathed millions to their beloved Fido or Kitty with no legal restrictions other than a Trust be established to dole out the money for the care and feeding of their loved one.

If one becomes completely antediluvian in nature, he can almost understand the Libertarian position that says that less government is better government. But who is to say that Natural Law supercedes the law as interpreted by San Francisco Mayor, Gavin Newsom, and the liberal Massachusetts judges who ruled in behalf of same-sex marriage in their state? Will the law make a monkey of us all. Just ask Jake.

SIDE NOTE: If anyone believes BILLINGSGATE is concerned about possible inderdiction by outside forces, remember that Dan Blather only reported the news and he skated. Those who edited and approved the bogus CBS story on President Bush got canned. Since I report, edit and approve all my stories, my attorney said I was bullet proof. Figure that out.

Petophilia and same sex marriage

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Francisco)

BULLETIN: Primate and gay lover say, "I do." In a rare confluence of legal issues that point out the problems that ensue when there is a conflict with the laws of nature and the laws of man, the ACLU and the Lambda Legal Defense have agreed to defend the right of Jake the Primate to marry his cross dressing, lesbian zoo handler, Cornelius Hunnington III.

Mr. Hunnington, formerly known as Ms.Cornelia before his/her operation, met Jake in 1999 while feeding him bananas in the monkey section of the San Francisco Zoo. Before the California Supreme Court directed the City to stop issuing same sex marriage licenses, Jake and Cornelius were united for life by Rev. Lactose Vermillion of the Church of Sexual Revisionism.

Their case has been coordinated with five other cases filed by anti gay groups trying to to keep marriage solely a union between a man and a woman. A Bay Area reporter who spoke with a number of same-sex couples said that the plaintiffs were united in the belief that consenting adults of any specie must come out for justice and fight for the right to say, "I do."

Although Jake the Primate was only 9 years old when he took Cornelius for his mate, in wedding pictures he appears to be well beyond prepubescense as he indiscriminately displays his genitalia while wearing his leather cupless thong tuxedo. Whether a case of petophilia can be brought against Mr. Hunnington is being debated. Who knows at what age it is appropriate to monkey around with a primate? Maybe we should allow the courts to decide this controversial issue.

BULLETIN: As you know, it has been very difficult since the election for BILLINGSGATE to find topics that the New York Times hasn't buried on page 34 of their dismal fishwrap. If readers have any suggestions or comments regarding the above story or previous offerings, please visit my blogspot at: www.polysatire.blogspot.com.

BILLINGSGATE scraps love for reality

BIILINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: With all the liberals wonks working overtime to discredit Bush on items of interest that include, but are not limited to; the War on Terror, Judicial and Social Security reform, and now the Tsunami relief efforts, one might pity BILLINGSGATE for taking on the battle against the liberal media and their pinko, egg-sucking, lip pursing sycophantic audience.

Pity not, fellow neo-cons. Be mindfull that for the thousands of misguided liberals hacking at the branches of evil, there is one BILLINGSGATE striking at the root. Shams and shell games are what drive these deluded naysayers while BILLINGSGATE is driven by reality. Let not our quest to overcome this pack of slack jawed jackals be thrown off track by a butterfly landing on the rails of our democracy!

The promise to be more loving and spiritual in 2005 has been relegated to the scrapheap of nostalgic reverie. BILLINGSGATE is BACK! The defense against the encroachment of the wacko left may cause perturbation in the hearts of the meek, but be assured that consternation by itself will not defeat those of this ilk.

It will never be easy...We shall not win by default...The mission is clear... We must persevere.....BILLINGSGATE 1-03-05