GIANT TORTOISES GO BERZERK !

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL

BULLETIN: Had an emergency call from Dr. Cleotus "Clete" Earlbeck this morning. Seems that the Giant Tortoises who live on the Galapagos Islands have gone into a hypnotic trance that reminds Dr. Earlbeck of the trance lemmings go into before they embark on their suicidal march.

As longtime JOURNAL readers know, Dr. Earlbeck has used the tortoises to successfully guage the outcome of the last sixteen presidential elections. Whether the tortoises take the high road or the low road in their migration indicates which way the election will turn. As reported earlier, the plodding amphibians were meandering at the crossroads of their journey, going round and round, trying to figure this election out.

Suspecting at first that the tortoises had gotten into some wacky tabacky, the good doctor had them tested for drugs. Although all tests proved negative, the search for truth didn't cease. Sensing that the tortoises might have broken their pledge not to watch the debates so to remain nuetral, he allowed them to watch a rerun of the last debate. Upon seeing John Kerry, their symptoms were exacerbated twofold. Proving his hunch, he turned off the TV and the tortoises immediately came down from their hypnotic trance and headed once more for the high road.

BILLINGSGATE has never suggested that liberals be subjected to brain washing. However, in the original BYLAWS it was suggested that they be sterilized to prevent further proliferation. If we start now, within three decades we should have them reduced to the point of merely being a nuisance. The JOURNAL has once again broken new ground in the thankless job of providing factually true but absolutely refutable news.

Have a cordial weekend.