Do you believe in miracles?

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

Bulletin: SunnyBear, my beloved Golden Retriever, with his thick, reddish coat and magnificent, Secretariat like bearing, certainly one of God's most impressive creations, almost went down last Saturday.

He was, by all counts, on his last legs. Like most large dogs when they get older, he has been hampered by arthritis for the past year and walked with a definite hitch in his giddy-up. Something like the hesitation step the Afro-Americans seem to be born with. He had been getting along well with various non-steroidal drugs easing his way, and he still answered the call for his stroll on the beach, always with a wagging tail and a doggy smile.

Last Wednesday evening, though, he collapsed on the deck outside my den and couldn't get up. I picked him up (he weighs around 85 pounds) and put him on his bed. The next morning, my champion couldn't answer the bell for his morning walk and I despaired his demise. Not wanting him to suffer, I called the Vet and made an appointment to have him euthanized. I even made arrangements for him to be cremated so that I could honor him in my memory.

Saturday morning, my son and I went to the backyard, gathered SunnyBear up in a blanket and carried him to the front yard from where we normally debarked on our way down to the beach. Putting him down gently before hoisting him into the back seat, the most amazing thing happened. He got up, staggering like a punch drunk pugilist, hobbled over to a beckoning bush and took a pee. I knew instantly that he deserved a recount.

The Veterinarian, a lady of great compassion and love for animals, listened as I described the events as they unfolded. She knew that I couldn't give up on my buddy because he hadn't given up on himself. It has been almost a week now of rehabilitation. Sunny Bear has improved so much that we are now walking down to the Bay where he loves to swim and chat and sniff with the other dogs, as he has done a thousand times before.

I can't believe that he is still with me. His company makes me smile and feel good about life.

Ask Dr. BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

"Do you think that Karl Rove should lose his security clearance for revealing the name of a covert C.I.A. operative as Senator Schumer is demanding?"..........Sandy Berger

Dear Sandy,

First, Sandy, are you okay? The last time I saw you, it appeared that you had a water retention problem. Your ankles looked twice the normal size. Perhaps a diuretic would be helpful. As to your question, I believe that New York Senator Upchuck Schumer has the nation's best interests in mind; the nation of Islam.

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

You said that I was wearing a pork pie hat. You wouldn't know a pork pie hat from a sombrero, you ridiculous bald headed poltroon. For your information, when I addressed my stiff lipped nation of royal worshippers, I was wearing a standard pink pill-box hat....Her Royal Highness, the Queen of England

Dear Her Royal Highness,

Sorry. I meant to say that your face looked like a pork pie with pill-box hat on top of it. My royal apology.

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

"What do you mean when you say that men are so feminized that even broads are wearing dresses because they are ashamed to look like men. You will never see me wearing a dress"...........Hillary Rodham Clinton

Dearest Hillary,

That's the best point you have made since you last put your head in a dunce's hat. Other than when Monica is in the household, who does wear the pants in your family? Anyway, your ankles are thicker than Sandy Bergers on his way out of the National Archives. You have a God given reason for not wearing a dress.

The Doctor has probed the universe for these answers. Without inpiration from hovering aliens, the Doctor would be out of business.

G-8 Doubles Aid to Africa

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: One day after Al Quada bombs the shit out of London, the next morning headlines are: G- 8 Doubles Aid to Africa! President George "The Great Healer" Bush tells the Britains to remain steadfast and strong, admiring their solidarity and strength of character. The Queen, in her best pork pie hat, mumbles something about them not changing our way of life. (I presume that she is referring to the Gays who missed their bus on the way to the bath house).

Not one f..cking interview with an outraged, bleeding Brit who has had enough of those demented ragheads and wants to kick some Muslim ass! Instead, they put the camera on a pierced nose prevert crying in the street because his air start was interrupted by the bombing. What the Hell is going on? Unless Al Qaeda blows up at least 1000 innocent men, women and children, they can't even keep the headlines for more than one day. I guess the message is that they have to go nuclear to get some attention. And they just might do that.

With the President promising more aid to Africa, Congress worrying about who will be nominated for the Supreme Court, Greta trying to find Natalie in Aruba, water temperatures rising in the Atlantic Ocean and a hurricane kicking ass in Florida, can you guess what the LALA Times was headlining this morning? "Muslim clerics in London worried about possible bad feelings generated by bombings." You figure it out, I can't.

Why doesn't someone want to kick some ass? Are we so afraid of offending someone that we resort to shaking down 80 year old grandmas so that we can't be accused of profiling 30 year old ragheads? Give me a break! We are becoming so feminized that even the broads are wearing dresses because they are ashamed to be mistaken for men.

DR. BILLINGSGATE will not be taking house call this evening. He will be at the Beachcomber readying himself for tomorrow's golf tournament.

Ask Dr. BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

"I hope you don't mind me asking, but how did your wife manage to crazy glue your testicles to the bed frame without waking your faithful retriever, SunnyBear. My husband, Bill, sleeps with his Doberman next to him. If I tried something like that, that Doberman would be at my throat before you could say "Slick Willy."......Hillary Rodham Clinton

Dearest Hillary,

There is only one explanation for SunnyBear not being roused. Quite simply, he must have been drugged. In your case, since I believe that you have all the characteristics of a Doberman, maybe you can get by without using drugs, if you know what I mean. You are so seductive that I can only imagine how easily you might distract the mutt with your bountiful charms. Bow wow.

Yo, Doctor,

"You keep using the doggerel phrase, 'faster than pizza going through a dog.' Since I enjoy eating pizza, it's important in my line of work to know how quickly pizza goes through a dog's alimentary canal. Please advise, since I don't want to embarrass myself in front of those coeds gone wild in Cancun."....Snoop Doggy Dogg

Dear Mr. Dogg,

I don't know what school you went to, but I seem to remember a mathematical formula that can be used to determine the time accurate to within a gnat's ass of finite: T=LWH. More specifically, the longer the dog, the longer it takes. For instance, it would require considerably more time for pizza to pass through the alimentary canal of a dachshund than say, a minature poodle. Perhaps you could have one of your drunken coeds measure your own canal. Tell her to start at the bottom and work up. Please video if possible.