Why Honest Golfers Take Spousal Mulligans

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

One of the most pompous and self-serving bromides of golf''s inner circles: "Harrumph, harrumph! You can tell more about the character of a man by playing a round of golf with him...blah, blah, blah." In a sport so noble in spirit that one is commended for calling a penalty on oneself, Tiger Woods joins ranks with other professional "sportsmen", sexually prolific Rock stars, unconscionable Wall Street brigands and United States presidents; cheaters all.

While Tiger is hardly the first professional golfer to hit a ball outside the first cut, he certainly is the most famous for taking an unauthorized mulligan or two. Mindful that golf is but an isolated prism of life, even some of our most respected presidents, the venerable Dwight Eisenhower and the tragic JFK, both honest golfers, reportedly cheated on their wives from time to time. On the other hand, who would have suspected serial golf cheater, President Bill Clinton, to also be a serial philanderer? When he uttered under oath, "I did not have sex with that woman," poor Monica Lewinsky surely must have felt just as violated as USGA Rule 13-1: "The ball shall be played as it lies, except as otherwise provided in the Rules."

The Devil is always in the details.

A little background regarding my credentials: As the holder of twelve doctorates granted by the Harvard of the Caribbean, LaFontaine College, I cannot be casually dismissed. LaFontaine, located on Grand Cayman Island, has no requirement for attending classes, although you must be physically present to receive your diploma from Chancellor Jacque LaFontaine. In other words, it isn't your typical diploma mill. With my curriculum vitae now established, the relevancy of my 1984 doctorate thesis, Paramours and Bimbos, Inside and Outside the Ropes, should provide you with some insights as to why honest golfers search for love outside matrimonial bondage. For the sake of brevity I will expurgate the psycho-sexual details from my thesis and give you my conclusions:

1. The majority of male golfers feel that the Rules of Golf are unfair. If you have ever ripped a drive right down the middle and found it nestled in a divot, you know what I mean. Men who scrupulously maintain the integrity of the game are rendered cognitively dissonant by this puritanical mind set. As a result of the disconnect between their incongruous beliefs and their real feelings, they fall easy prey to buxom bimbos and the allure of ephemeral sexual pleasure outside the ropes of matrimony.

2. Most male golfers who fall into the above trap were nurtured by oppressively dominant mothers who hated their husbands. Without resorting to psycho-babble, it is quite understandable that the mates would rather hit the links with their buddies than listen to their wife's incessant harping. Not surprisingly, the mother would subliminally attempt to control her son, first by withdrawing breast feeding and later by instituting punitive toilet training rules. Studies have shown that most golfers who cheat on their spouses pick bimbos with big boobs. A mere coincidence? I think not.

3. Since an apple doesn't fall far from the tree, the chances are that if the father was a "player" the son will probably have a lower handicap than the old man. Conversely, if the father was a hacker, his son would be more likely to choose women with ramshackle ovaries and clap-board breasts when going outside the boundaries of contractual marriage.

In conclusion, I hope that everyone seeking reasons for why Tiger Woods cheated on his drop-dead wife and found solace in the arms of ho's, pros and porn stars will find their answer somewhere in the above.


Copywrite: 12-21-09

Dr. Viscount Billingsgate