Barackomagne: Imperator Augustus

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL: Dateline Berlin

Barackomagne: King of the Franks and Emperor of the Holy Rolling Media Empire, Circa 2008

" He was six feet two inches tall, and built to scale. He had curly black hair, snake like eyes, a felon nose...a presence 'always empirical and condescending.' He was temperate in eating and drinking, abominated conservatives, and kept in good health by shooting basketballs."

- COURIC (the King's secretary) describing Barackomagne

In 2008, when Barackomagne was 47, he inherited the kingdom of the Franks, once ruled by Charlemagne some 1240 years ago. Now, due to the invasion of the Muslim hordes, the Franks have largely given up hope and have fallen back into barbarian ways. As back in Charlemagne's reign, the Saxons of northern Europe are still pagans. In Italy, the Roman Catholic Church is still trying to assert its power. Europe is in turmoil and looking for a leader.

Barackomagne is determined to strengthen his realm and bring order to Europe. Now being the undisputed ruler of Europe, he is preparing to launch a four year campaign to accomplish his objective. With his vast realm encompassing France, Switzerland, Belgium, Germany and Italy, parts of Austria and Spain, he is now in a position to establish a central government over Western Europe, much like Charlemagne restored much of the unity of the old Roman Empire.

With the media having placed a golden crown on the bowed head of Barackomagne, it is said that he was surprised by the coronation, declaring that he would have not come to Europe had he known the media's plan. However, some conservatives say the media would not have dared to act without Barackomagne's knowledge.

Barackomagne learned to read Ebonics and some English, but apparently did not master either. At press conferences, instead of having jesters perform, he listened to himself read from prepared texts. He believed that government should be for the benefit of the those governing.

'By his word and the help of the media,' Barackomagne became master of Western Europe.

As is often the case, people considered great by the media are great killers as well. Throughout his conquests, Charlemagne was responsible for the death of masses of people who refused to accept Christianity. Barackomagne is now wearing the same crown. As Europe well knows, appeasement has killed more people than the sword. Will this be the new destiny of Europe?