Exodus from the Galapagos

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline in Transit)

BULLETIN: BILLINGSGATE will be leaving the friendly confines of the Galapagos Islands tomorrow on his way to Byron Bay, Australia. Forthcoming JOURNALS emanating from Down Under will be sporadic at best for the next two weeks.

For those of you who wish to nosh on old BILLINGSGATE publications to satisfy your search for old but completely irrelevant news, be assured that it will never quench your appetite.

Now that Dan Rather has announced his forced retirement from CBS, only the New York Times and BILLINGSGATE will be left to proudly carry the flickering torch of providing biased,unethical, unprovable and ultimately, irresponsible, journalism to politically naive new's junkies who inhabit the "Blue" zones of these here United States of America.

Nevertheless, tune into www.polysatire.blogspot.com for old or new news.

God Bless and Happy Thanksgiving....BILLINGSGATE

The Board has spoken

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Galapagos Islands)

BULLETIN: To counter the polarization that has divided Board Members regarding the mandatory sterilization issue, Dr. Cleotus "Clete" Earlbeck has asked members to join him in listening to selected inspirational songs by his favorite recording artist, Cristy Lane.

Ms. Cristy, whose songs have given faith and inspiration to millions, was flown in yesterday and has been warbling her wistful melodies for hours. With Board Members crying for mercy after listening to "One Day At a Time" and "Footprints In The Sand" too many times to count, Ms. Cristy was finally given the hook. With the smirk of evil genius enveloping his usually bland countenance, Dr. Earlbeck asked the Board if they had had enough.

Under these onerous conditions, they were more than ready to vote on the sterilization mandate. With a unanimous show of hands it was decreed that not only should sterilization be mandatory for liberals, if some states refuse to enforce the mandate, the Constitution shall be amended to guarantee compliance.

BILLINGSGATE wishes to thank the INSTITUTE and the Board of Directors for the above decree. Although it provides absolutely no flexibility, it is not unduly harsh. Surely liberals should be thankful that the Board was not vindictive, and while being sterilized is not fun, it beats hanging.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving........BILLINGSGATE

Should mandatory sterilization be optional?

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Galapagos Islands)

BULLETIN: Confused Board members debate mandatory sterilization issue. With BILLINGSGATE INSTITUTE Chairman Dr. Cleotus "Clete" Earlbeck leading fellow members down the tortuous path of politically correct dialogue, the question of requiring all liberals to turn themselves into GOP staffed clinics for mandatory sterilization has polarized members of this august group.

With some members the issue seems as simple as rounding them up and riding them out as geldings. Other members question the ethics of this measure and advise caution; not wanting to offend those who believe both liberals and neo-cons have the right to procreate. Obfuscating both lines of thought is the contemptuous middle of the road position which would allow liberals the option of denouncing the Democratic Party in return for keeping their family jewels.

With passions high Dr. Earlbeck is hesitant to suggest that there is any possibility of a compromise in the foreseeable future. While yearning for an amicable solution, history tells him that appeasement may buy time, but as Winston Churchill said, "it also buys time bombs."

BILLINGSGATE is enjoying life among the Giant Tortoises who habitate the Galapagos. With tipping these reptiles onto their backs illegal, there is very little entertainment available other than watching the ubiquitous bats dive bombing the white rocks of the islands, splattering them with the same green, putrescent guano that is scraped up and sold to fund our noble cause.

Letters to BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Galapagos Islands)

BULLETIN: In response to the outpour of letters regarding the controversial Michael Moore cloning article, the Board meeting was suspended. Some of the letters:

"I did not have sex with that sheep".......Michael Moore

Response: That's sounds familiar. C'mon Michael, we have your DNA evidence from Dolly's blue skirt. Do we need to turn this over to our forensic taxidermist, Dr. Hannibal Lector, Jr. for verification?

"He promised me that he would make me a star. Then he left me wanting more. He never called. He never wrote. Now I feel so used and sheep".....Dolly

Response: Dolly, Never trust a liberal to keep his word. They will say anything to get what they want. My condolences.

"Hell, back here in Montana we would give Moore the Golden Hip Boot Award and put him in the Sheepsman Hall of Fame for servicing that lucky animal"...Smokey Shorts

Response: Smokey, You've been in the mountains too long. Have you cowboys ever heard of the Natural Law?

"And Michael Moore thought that I looked stupid in Fahrenheit 911".....Dubya

Response: Mr. President, It's an honor to hear from you. I guess it's payback time....NYUK! NYUK! NYUK!

Michael Moore denies he's a clone

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Galapagos Islands)

BULLETIN: The Board of Directors first order of business was to determine whether the attempt by the Cloning Scientists Gone Wild of Great Britain to make copies of Fahrenheit 911 producer, Michael Moore, was fruitfull. Using the same clonology that created Dolly the Sheep in 1996, have these same mad scientists come close or did they actually produce a genetic duplicate of the hog jowled Moore?

Fearing the worst; that if Michael Moore could be cloned, might Hillary be next in line, then other screaming liberals like Nancy Pelosi and Howard Dean? A nightmare scenario that neo-cons have dreaded is now a direct possibility due to stem cell research and other embryonic experimentation.

To answer the speculation that Michael Moore might be a clone of himself, our senior investigative reporter, Detrick "Dirty Trick" Detwiler went right to the source, interviewing Dolly the Sheep at her home in Herfordshire, England. Dolly, as you know, was reportedly the first mammal to be cloned. With the worried liberals looking for a new source of voters because they are not replacing themselves nearly as efficiently as conservatives, Moore was sent by the DNC to Herfordshire on a lend lease program.

According to Dolly the Sheep, when she was first introduced to Moore she felt like she was being sheared naked by his piggish eyes. Feeling helpless and light headed, she fainted dead into the straw bed beneath her. She woke up to the slobbering Moore giving her mouth to mouth resuscitation. Feeling the warmth of his humanity pressed against her alabaster loins, she fell victim to his charismatic charms and his promise to make her a star.

Now if you should see a sheepish look on Michael Moore's face, can you be sure if it's him or just another liberal clone? BILLINGSGATE will continue to bring you in depth reporting completely uninhibited by any journalistic restraints. From the New York Times to CBS to the BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL, the baton of corrupt, unethical journalism has been passed.

Mandatory sterilization to be discussed

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL

BULLETIN: Longtime readers of this column should recall that BYLAW ONE of the original BILLINGSGATE MANIFEST, published 31 August 2004, respectfully suggested that all liberals be sterilized to prevent further proliferation of their specie. This BYLAW was subsequently changed to read that it is "highly recommended" that this procedure be undertaken.

Because of the highly controversial moral implications involved, Dr. Cleotus "Clete" Earlbeck, philantropist, physiognomist and founder of the conservative BILLINGSGATE INSTITUTE, has called the Board of Directors to meet next week in the Galapagos for a round table discussion of this issue. Board members of the INSTITUTE, which by the way, is completely funded by the sale of bat guano harvested illegally on the islands by diminutive pgymy dwarfs, shall be sequestered without food or water until a substantive policy statement is issued.

Make no mistake about the seriousness of this question. Can the liberals be trusted to continue their voluntary abstinance from procreative sex acts or will the urge to duplicate themselves result in them resorting to time tested copulation?

With the election results showing that conservative voters outnumber liberals by approximately 3.5 million, is there any way liberals can catch up with neo-cons, knowing that Karl Rove is always one step ahead of them? The genius behind the GOP is already hatching nefarious plans to reward conservatives by giving tax incentives to families and nothing to same sexers who find it difficult, if not impossible, to further their specie with their government issued genitalia.

Not withstanding the small number of liberals that somehow slip through the cracks and have children, census experts expect the number of liberals to contract exponentially in the next two decades, and unless human cloning is allowed, their numbers should decrease to a negative by the year 2050. This being so, is it any wonder that the liberals are pushing their stem cell research down our throats? It's the cloning, stupid!

These and other issues will be examined and discussed at the INSTITUTE'S meeting. Be assured that BILLINGSGATE will report the facts without factuality, the truth without proof, and lastly, no stories will be outsourced to CBS and the New York Times because of credibilty concerns.

What's Next

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL

BULLETIN: In today's issue of the New York Times the headline question reads, "With the capture of Falluja, what's next"? BILLINGSGATE suggests the following; New York City, Boston and San Francisco. Hopefully, now that we have successfully routed the insurgents from their outpost in Iraq, the liberal insurgents who have infiltrated these American cities will leave for France as they promised, thus making an attack unnecessary.

BULLETIN: More on Carl Spackler. He writes from Tibet:

Dude, It's like crazy over here. I mean it's like no one works. All the guys run around in Saffron robes, chanting umbrageous mumbo-jumbo and sipping green tea. They don't seem to dig pushy chicks with pierced nipples and tattoos of insects on their buttocks.

I just got my head shaved, and I will be going through purification rites soon. Can't wait to see my soul from the inside out. Hope to send you photographic evidence if anything shows up.

Tell the Kerry dude that I am not sorry about his defeat. The way he shot down his Swift Boat dudes takes me right out of my tranquility phase. His plans to send me after bin Laden left me with no choice but to seek sanctuary with the Dalai Lama. If you can promise me the Hillary dudette won't run in 2008, I might come back. Dude, I don't miss Kerry and those other rodents.

Cordially, Carl

Liberals question election result

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL

BULLETIN: With the onslaught of stories by liberals suggesting the outcome of the Presidential election was less than kosher due to voter fraud, BILLINGSGATE has decided to devote the remainder of his life to proving that John Kerry was victimized by the nefarious plot of Karl Rove to deprive him of his rightful throne. With the present vote count being 60,367,521 for Bush and 56,939,420 for Kerry, there remains a reasonable doubt that had all votes been counted correctly, the 3,428,101 vote differential could have easily gone the other way.

To assuage those who question BILLINGSGATE'S integrity, it is worth noting that I am assigning the JOURNAL'S crack investigative reporter, Detrick "Dirty Trick" Detwiler to this story. Unfortunate for those who cross the line of righteousness, Detrick has vowed to leave no stone unturned in his quest for truth. Both liberals and neo-cons be warned, Dirty Trick has truth in his back pocket and rectitude in his heart. His appellation is therefore a misnomer.

BULLETIN: Readers will be happy to hear from the Dalai Lama:

" Mr. Carl Spackler has been under my miasmic tutelage for the past two weeks. He has already endeared himself to the common beasts of burden in our small Tibetian village, having convinced all of the women that he indeed is the blessed one.....Dalai Lama

Response: Dalai, It is heart warming to hear that Carl has finally found nirvanna in your land. Please keep him away from rodents, cross dressing lamas and Indian soothsayers. He is an expert in pyrotechnics.

Veteran's Day Tribute

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL

BULLETIN: In thinking of my fellow veterans, the speech that Harry the King gave to his outnumbered troops before the Battle of Agincourt in Shakespeare's "King Henry V" is far beyond anything that I could say about both the valient men fighting in Fallujah today and the veterans who fought in other battles of wars before:

This day is call'd the feast of Crispian:
He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
Will stand a tip-toe when this day is named,
And rouse him at the name of Crispian.
He that shall live this day, and see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbors.
And say, "These wounds I had on Crispin's day."
Old men forget; yet all shall be forget,
But he'll remember with advantages
What feats he did that day: then shall our names,
Familiar in his mouth as household words,
Harry the King, Bedford and Exeter
Warwick and Talbot, Salisbury and Gloucester,
Be in their flowing cups freshly remember'd.
This story shall the good man teach his son;
And Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remembered;
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition:
And gentlemen in England now a-bed
Shall think themselves accursed they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap while any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day.

Day of Mourning

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL

BULLETIN: Although Yassar Arafat's final breath has yet to be officially documented, BILLINGSGATE and the JOURNAL will declare this day to be set aside to mourn him and all the other terrorists killed by our soldiers in Fallujah today. May they all be welcomed by the same shopworn 72 virgins who have provided essential services for the terrorists who left their friends and families for this promise of scoring eternal sexual satisfaction.

BILLINGSGATE has decided to spend this day of remorse trying to score 72 himself. This attempt will differ insofar as it will be made while playing on the sunny side of the turf. Even if my score be less than that number, I will not be as disappointed.......NYUK! NYUK! NYUK!

Message from the Big Red Zone

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL

BULLETIN: After receiving the message from the Big Red Zone of America and having it stuffed down the upper end of their alimentary canal, the liberals have failed to digest the contents, and we are now smelling what's coming out the other end; the flatulence that occurs when you don't chew enough to separate the fact from the fiction.

We have all read and heard from the liberal pundits that we (the conservatives) are suffering from terminal adult idiocy syndrome. How dare, they say, that we didn't understand the Michael Moores, the Whoopie Goldbergs, the Dan Rathers, the New York Times and most of all, the Boss, when they were trying to foist their illegitimate fodder on us.

How dare conservatives win the battle for truth and liberals have to live by the rules of our Democracy! Where are the judges who are to deliver them from this virulent vast right ring theocratic conspiracy? Are they going to have to live with a Bush Supreme Court sworn to interpret the Constitution instead of making law? That's not fair in this enlightened age of judicial determinism. That's like making them play ball with one hand tied behind their back.

Sorry, Nancy Pelosi. Sorry, Donna Brasile. Sorry, Al Gore-Zeera. Sorry, Howard Dean. Screaming doesn't work in the Big Red Zone. But most of all, I'm sorry that I won't have the slack jawed, chicken lipped jackal and his chipmunk cheeked buddy from North Carolina to kick around anymore. At least for a couple of years.

Finally, BILLINGSGATE would like to thank my friends from CBS and the New York Times for providing the world with the truth as only they knew it; the unvarnished, the unscrupulous, the unproveable, and ultimately, the unbelievable.

Democrats: Vitally concerned non-entities

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL

BULLETIN: In a nationwide poll of 107 carefully screened identical twins who were separated at birth by unethical doctors and sold to liberal leaning same sex parents, over 60% said that they now considered the Democratic Party atavistic and speeding toward a degenerative stage of decomposition commonly seen on roadways and decribed as "road kill." Surprisingly, a similar poll of twins raised by married neo-con parents in suburbia showed an even higher percentage who held the same view......Hmmmm

BULLETIN: On "60 Minutes" last night, Andy Rooney, with tongue in cheek, stated that the media people he knew were evenly divided in the election, with 50 % who liked Kerry and 50% who disliked President Bush, dispelling any doubts as to the integrity of CBS and Dan Rather. It is whispered in conservative circles that they have none(integrity)...duh

As the casual reader has probably observed, BILLINGSGATE has lost his cutting edge. With the election in the bag and the military now able to move in Iraq without the New York Times giving Kerry his daily dosage of bad news to mule call, perhaps its time to let our nation heal.

FAT CHANCE !

Letters to BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL

BULLETIN: Because of the volume of letters BILLINGSGATE receives, an attempt to counter balance pithiness and volubility shall be made by the editors. The following letters have been chosen for publication:

"What do you mean when you say, 'They don't get it.' I believe that my husband got it right in the old wazoo from you neo-con bastards"... Teresa (57 Varieties) Heinz Kerry

Response: Ms. Kerry, Thank you for being pithy. We at BILLINGSGATE have always used Heinz products when engaging in kinky sex. We suggest your husband use your delicious pickle relish for a suppository if he runs in 2008.

"BILLINGSGATE, You think you are so smart. You can't even spell pervert correctly, you nyukle head"......Curly

Response: Curly, I am trying to think of a response, but nothings happening. Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!

"I can't believe that Carl Spackler wouldn't serve if John Kerry were elected President. Maybe I should talk to him"......Former Commander in Chief, Slick Willie

Response: Chief, Sorry to inform you that Carl left for Tibet when he heard the early exit polls had Kerry ahead. The Dalai Lama is now screening his calls. By the way, did you smoke that cigar? Please keep your answer pithy.

"Hey, I produced Fahrenheit 9/11. I didn't see anyone drooling like a Pavlovian dog, but I would sure like to".....Michael Moore

Response: Change "dog" to "pig" and look in the mirror. Pithy enough?

They just don't get it !

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL

BULLETIN: Not without considerable research has BILLINGSGATE come to the definitive conclusion that the liberals who dominate the Democratic Party and who are now running around aghast, beating their bra less chests and sniveling like abandoned mutts, just don't get it.

All you have to do is read the postmortem comments of media hacks from the New York Times to understand that the deranged citizens that reside in the Big Apple, Boston, San Francisco, Portland, Los Angeles, etc., have been reading the same garbage, have drooled like Pavlovian dogs while watching Fahrenheit 9/11 together, and have inhaled each other's smoke for so long that they don't realize that another America exists outside their existential boundaries.

Also, because these same globally indexed proponents of socialism are somehow connected to the hips of those who live in sclerotic European countries, they don't understand that the rest of America abhors this nexus that embraces secularism over spiritual values.

Rather than admit, or even acknowledge, that they have become satellites that are orbiting farther and farther from the nucleus of mainstream America, they believe the reverse is true. Until the Democratic pooh-bahs understand that Michael Moore and the "Boss" aren't what makes America tick, the Democratic Party will be considered as a vitally concerned non-entity, condemned to the ash can of political irrelevancy. They just don't get it.

BILLINGSGATE applauds all efforts of those trying to escape the gravitational pull of global socialism. By cancelling your subscription to the New York Times and by boycotting CBS, you will be twice blessed and you will receive indulgences in the next life. Just mention that BILLINGSGATE sent you when you ask for your 72 virgins.

Giant Tortoises doing wheelies

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL

BULLETIN! BULLETIN: Scores of Giant Tortoises were spotted doing wheelies in the bleached white sands of secluded Galapagos beaches that eons earlier provided nests for the progenitors of these same reptillian monoliths.

Quite frankly, bedlam broke out when word of Bush's victory over the slack jawed, chicken lipped jackal who liberated the Defense Department of three bogus Purple Hearts reached the Galapagos.

Tortoises of all colors and stripes thundered down the high road, glowing with the pride of having once more successfully predicted the outcome of the Presidential election without resorting to questionable exit pols. Sadly, as reported earlier, this will be the tortoises last contribution to the election process having been totally demoralized by the unethical attempts by liberal hacks to persuade them to take the low road.

Although being tempted by easy sex and wacky tabacky, these noble creatures plodded on, all but oblivious to these temporal offerings. Perhaps in another four years they might be persuaded to once more take on this noble journey. Already rumors of Hillary Clinton positioning herself to retake the White House have reached the remote shores that once harbored a bemused young Charles Darwin.

BULLETINEOUS QUESTION: Who among us was not exhilerated by the outcome of this election? Only 50 million card carrying, pinko-freako, subteranean Michael Moore driven preverts; that who. Never, never let your guard down. Vigilence without purpose inevitably leads to chaos, destruction and moral famine.

To CBS and the New York Times who gamely tried to influence the outcome of the election, BILLINGSGATE offers the following suggestion: Take your biased news and shove it where the sunlight of truth never shines.

Carl Spackler refuses to serve

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL

BULLETIN UPDATE: Carl Spackler tells Kerry that he will seek sanctuary in Tibet if drafted to go out to find and kill bin Laden.

The crafty golf course handyman who dedicated his life to the eradication of a mischievous groundhog in the epic war movie, Caddyshack, said today that John Kerry was unable to convince him that bin Laden was a bonafide threat. According to Spackler, under United Nations Rule 911, the bombing of the New York Trade Center and the Pentagon failed to meet global terrorism standards.

Spackler, upon consultation with the Dalai Lama, called Kerry last night to tell him that he would not lower himself to combat a "nuisance." Citing his experience in combating the indestructible predator in Caddyshack, he suggested that it was offensive for Kerry to nominate him for such a low tech mission.

Also, according to Spackler, Kerry could not convince him that he would not be turned over to the World Court if bin Laden claimed that the United States lacked jurisdiction in combating terrorism.

Spackler was also concerned that Kerry would give bin Laden status under the Geneva Convention as a battlefield combatant. "I just don't trust the guy," said the diffident grounds keeper. "He let our guys down in Vietnam, and he will probably do it again if he has the chance. If he is elected, I'm heading for Tibet where the Dalai Lama promised me sanctuary."

BULLETIN: BILLINGSGATE fully supports the right of any man or woman of draft age to leave the country if John Kerry is elected. It would be difficult to mount support for a man who betrayed his fellow combatants in Vietnam by accusing them of war crimes after bailing himself out of the battle zone with three bogus Purple Hearts. These chickens will come back to roost if he is elected.

Carl Spackler vs bin Laden

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL

BULLETIN: On the last day before the election John Kerry has finally released his plan to capture bin Laden. With the latest tape of the evil one pimping President Bush for not being able to capture him, Kerry was unable to keep his own secret plan under wraps. Comparing the elusive bin Laden to the common rodent (genera Tamias and Eutamias), the presidential wannabe has selected Carl Spackler of Caddyshack fame as his point man to combat this vile terrorist. Pointing out that Spackler never gave up in his quest to track down and kill the menacing ground hog, Kerry said he expects Carl to make short work of this depraved varmint.

BULLETIN: With today being the eve of the election, BILLINGSGATE wonders if Kerry were to win should we be concerned. Should we worry about a man who has no coherent beliefs; a man so poll-driven that he doesn't know what he stands for, if anything?

The possibility exists that by the time he acts on something the situation will have changed so much as to make his decision irrelevant, which is exactly what the Bronx born, Fordham educated, Libertarian candidate, Murph King of the Earth says will gridlock our nation in a beneficial way. Drawing from his classical Thomistic education, the Murph declined from elaborating on his theme, saying it was "ephemeral" and not the stuff of mortals.

The JOURNAL has tried to remain upbeat while fighting the onslaught of the criminally liberal press. Under capitalized and downtrodden, the spiritual beliefs of the Galapagos Island based center for conservative thought has remained steadfast. Truth in journalism without the inhibiting chill of proof will always be a necessity, not an option, in a free country.

VOTE EARLY AND OFTEN!