Carl Spackler refuses to serve

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL

BULLETIN UPDATE: Carl Spackler tells Kerry that he will seek sanctuary in Tibet if drafted to go out to find and kill bin Laden.

The crafty golf course handyman who dedicated his life to the eradication of a mischievous groundhog in the epic war movie, Caddyshack, said today that John Kerry was unable to convince him that bin Laden was a bonafide threat. According to Spackler, under United Nations Rule 911, the bombing of the New York Trade Center and the Pentagon failed to meet global terrorism standards.

Spackler, upon consultation with the Dalai Lama, called Kerry last night to tell him that he would not lower himself to combat a "nuisance." Citing his experience in combating the indestructible predator in Caddyshack, he suggested that it was offensive for Kerry to nominate him for such a low tech mission.

Also, according to Spackler, Kerry could not convince him that he would not be turned over to the World Court if bin Laden claimed that the United States lacked jurisdiction in combating terrorism.

Spackler was also concerned that Kerry would give bin Laden status under the Geneva Convention as a battlefield combatant. "I just don't trust the guy," said the diffident grounds keeper. "He let our guys down in Vietnam, and he will probably do it again if he has the chance. If he is elected, I'm heading for Tibet where the Dalai Lama promised me sanctuary."

BULLETIN: BILLINGSGATE fully supports the right of any man or woman of draft age to leave the country if John Kerry is elected. It would be difficult to mount support for a man who betrayed his fellow combatants in Vietnam by accusing them of war crimes after bailing himself out of the battle zone with three bogus Purple Hearts. These chickens will come back to roost if he is elected.