Petophilia and same sex marriage

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Francisco)

BULLETIN: Primate and gay lover say, "I do." In a rare confluence of legal issues that point out the problems that ensue when there is a conflict with the laws of nature and the laws of man, the ACLU and the Lambda Legal Defense have agreed to defend the right of Jake the Primate to marry his cross dressing, lesbian zoo handler, Cornelius Hunnington III.

Mr. Hunnington, formerly known as Ms.Cornelia before his/her operation, met Jake in 1999 while feeding him bananas in the monkey section of the San Francisco Zoo. Before the California Supreme Court directed the City to stop issuing same sex marriage licenses, Jake and Cornelius were united for life by Rev. Lactose Vermillion of the Church of Sexual Revisionism.

Their case has been coordinated with five other cases filed by anti gay groups trying to to keep marriage solely a union between a man and a woman. A Bay Area reporter who spoke with a number of same-sex couples said that the plaintiffs were united in the belief that consenting adults of any specie must come out for justice and fight for the right to say, "I do."

Although Jake the Primate was only 9 years old when he took Cornelius for his mate, in wedding pictures he appears to be well beyond prepubescense as he indiscriminately displays his genitalia while wearing his leather cupless thong tuxedo. Whether a case of petophilia can be brought against Mr. Hunnington is being debated. Who knows at what age it is appropriate to monkey around with a primate? Maybe we should allow the courts to decide this controversial issue.

BULLETIN: As you know, it has been very difficult since the election for BILLINGSGATE to find topics that the New York Times hasn't buried on page 34 of their dismal fishwrap. If readers have any suggestions or comments regarding the above story or previous offerings, please visit my blogspot at: www.polysatire.blogspot.com.