Primate denies taking advantage of gay lover

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Francisco, but heading South)

BULLETIN: Seeking to dispel any doubts that he took advantage of his position as "Bull" monkey in the San Francisco Zoo in order to charm the pants off gay paramour, Cornelius Hunnington III, Jake the Primate issued a statement saying that he was "unaware of any cultural or legal restrictions that would prohibit him from exposing himself to his cross dressing zoo tender."

Usually BILLINGSGATE would let a story like this die of its own momentum. But since this story was first published it has taken on a life of its own. I have been inundated from all sides by both those who seek to protect monkeys from petophiliacs and those who say what takes place in the bedroom between two consenting mammals is not anyone's business.

Now this is exactly what those who damned same-sex marriages said would happen. Once that glass ceiling was broken, all Hell would break loose. What would prevent multiple wives or husbands be taken if so desired by consenting partners? Furthermore, why should pets be left out of the equation? Already animal lovers have bequeathed millions to their beloved Fido or Kitty with no legal restrictions other than a Trust be established to dole out the money for the care and feeding of their loved one.

If one becomes completely antediluvian in nature, he can almost understand the Libertarian position that says that less government is better government. But who is to say that Natural Law supercedes the law as interpreted by San Francisco Mayor, Gavin Newsom, and the liberal Massachusetts judges who ruled in behalf of same-sex marriage in their state? Will the law make a monkey of us all. Just ask Jake.

SIDE NOTE: If anyone believes BILLINGSGATE is concerned about possible inderdiction by outside forces, remember that Dan Blather only reported the news and he skated. Those who edited and approved the bogus CBS story on President Bush got canned. Since I report, edit and approve all my stories, my attorney said I was bullet proof. Figure that out.