Ask Dr. BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

Ever since the election my husband has not been himself. He complains about everything; stomach problems, not being able to focus, and most troublesome of all, during sex he cries out, "Johnny, they hardly even knew ye." What do you suggest?....Teresa Heinz Kerry

Dear Teresa,

Since this is the very first letter that I will address in this new format, let me congratulate you for taking advantage of my services. Fortunately, the complexity of your problem allows me to use most, if not all, of my recently acquired degrees.

First, regarding your husband's stomach problem. It sounds like he suffers from acute post election-gastroesophagel reflux disease. In layman's terms, he can't stomach defeat.

Secondly, regarding his inability to focus. If you are describing his reaction to when he looks at you, it is quite understandable that he has a problem focusing. Even with your money, you are, ahem, less than an eyefull.

Third, In respect to the Senator's haunting proclamation during sex, I assume he is either speaking of all the Swift Boat comrades that he hosed after he left Vietnam or he is talking about his ex wife. Believe me, it's not unusual for a male to talk to his penis while engaging in sex.

Dr. BILLINGSGATE'S Final Response: Since it is very unusual to be able to combine my potpouri of degrees (Medical, Divinity, Animal Husbandry, Advanced Cloning, Law, Psychology, Taxidermy, Marriage Counseling and Money Laundering) into one workable solution, special emphasis was given to my degree in Taxidermy: Simply put, tell Johnny to stuff it where the sun doesn't shine, but please practice safe sex during the procedure.