A more loving BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: On the penultimate day of the year, BILLINGSGATE wishes to address the angst of some readers who fear that I may go soft on liberals in 2005. Fear not, fellow neo-cons. I was merely trying to inveigle the pinkos into a false sense of security by saying that I would be more loving and spiritual. By that I meant that I would pray for their impoverished souls while wishing them eternal damnation.

As an example of BILLINGSGATE'S softer approach for the new year, instead of hammering liberals with the possibility of mandatory sterilization, BILLINGSGATE is now willing to give them a Hobson's choice. If their desire to procreate reaches a critical point, why not furnish them with life-like rubber dolls that provide anatomically correct apertures for sexual congress? The manufacture of these can easily be outsourced to China and purchased for a pittance as opposed to providing welfare for the unwanted and unneeded liberal offspring of these miscreants.

BULLETIN: Like many others in America who belong to a despised religious cult called Christianity, BILLINGSGATE celebrated Christmas in accordance with traditional values; crusading against infidels of all stripes and colors, wishing that all Islamic terrorists be defiled by the belch of a dyspeptic camel before being strapped to a NO DONG missile and sent to Hell to be mocked by 72 toothless prostitutes. And that goes double for the New York Times and CBS.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

BILLINGSGATE'S credentials questioned

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: Are readers naive enough to think it a coincidence that on the same weekend that one of the greatest natural disasters of history devastated parts of the world, the San Diego Chargers were defeated by the Colts and BILLINGSGATE'S credentials were openly questioned by liberal pundits? Make no mistake. There is a linkage that connects all of these events. The very improbability of even one of these catastrophies happening in a given year is probably 50-1. For all to happen on a single weekend is beyond all odds and begs the question: Was there a superlunar force involved? Something beyond the moon?

As you know, BILLINGSGATE has seldom ventured far from the paved highway of social pragmatism. Although it might be said that I often go beyond parallel in my backswing, so does John Daly. But the oohs and aahs that we generate respectively from the sweet contact of club to ball and in my case, the sweet smack of repartee to the pink butts of the liberals is worth all the criticism.

BILLINGSGATE regrets not having the perfect foil to badger every day. The chicken lipped, slack jawed jackal from Massachusetts, who by the way, served in Vietnam, offered an easy and accessable target for the conservative literati, as did the New York Times and CBS. Will BILLINGSGATE be able to keep up the frenetic pace set before the election. Probably not. But do expect a more spiritual, a more loving BILLINGSGATE in the future.

Letters to BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: Readers demand answers from BILLINGSGATE

"Even after the election do you still believe that John Kerry is a chicken lipped, slack jawed jackal, or was that just political rhetoric?"....Dan Rather, CBS

Response: That's a fair question, Dan. It sounds as if you have learned your lesson. Upon further reflection I would have changed "chicken lipped" to "chicken shit."

"I am intrigued by Kim Jung ll. Does he have any swing thoughts I can pass on to Tiger, and err...how long is his NO DONG missile and can he deliver?".........Elin Nordegren Woods

Response: Kim sez that if Tiger's forward press becomes longer than his backswing he should go back to Butch Harmon. Regarding the second part of your question, he said that if you would show him your rockets, he would show you his missile. Sounds like code to me.

"Were you surprised by the hospitality of the sheep when you visited Australia?"....Dolly the Sheep Clone

Response: No, but I sure had a problem with the wallabies. Son-of-a-bitches kicked out two brand new pairs of Eddie Bauer hip boots.

"You seem to be an expert on Christmas Island. If you're so smart, what is their national tree?"....Teresa Heinz Kerry

Response: This sounds like a trick question, Teresa. By any chance is it the American Dogwood?

"What so bad about listening to me sing "Jingle Bells" for 24 hours without a respite. I'm offended.".......Snoop Doggy Dog

Response: Snoop, It's hard to believe that you would find anything offensive. I will gladly apologize if you will send me an autographed copy of Coeds gone Wild in Cancun.

Christmas Island outed from World Atlas

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: Christmas Island was discovered by the English on December 25, 1643, and thus the name. Now, with the usual pettifoggers that show up to strip Christmas of its real meaning, there has been a movement to eliminate Christmas Island from all maps and reference books unless the name is changed to a more secular one such as Holiday Island or December Night Island.

Lest anyone think this far fetched, BILLINGSGATE would like to point out that Christmas is as American as say, apple pie. Although more than 80% of Americans are Christian and even more Americans than that celebrate Christmas in some way, the fact that it is an official federal holiday must irritate the vocal minority who disdain those who wish to celebrate in other than a commercial way. Anything other than the exchange of gifts to celebrate a December day is considered verboten by those who abhor Christianity.

God forbid that some people might feel uncomfortable should they see a Christmas tree on public property or hear a carol that alludes to the birth of Jesus. In a country that tolerates all religions it seems incomprehensible that those who thrive in this tolerance should turn against the very majority that allowed them to join us in this great country to practice their own religion without predudice.

Perhaps the answer is to allow only card carrying Christians to celebrate this as a federal holiday. Anyone buying gifts or humming a Christmas carol who doesn't have a Christian I.D. card should be made subject to a fine or have to listen to Snoop Doggy Dog sing "Jingle Bells" for 24 hours without respite.

Merry censored Christmas from BILLINGSGATE

Washington State bans parents rights

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: BILLINGSGATE was shocked, SHOCKED! to hear that the courts of SLOWS (Socialist Liberals of Washington State) ruled that the mother of a 13 year old daughter broke the law in monitoring her phone call and then reporting to police the admission of her friend that he assaulted an elderly lady and stole her purse. What is most shocking to this veteran observer of the erosion of parental rights is that the mother wasn't thrown in jail for violating the existing privacy act in Washington that calls for this brazen display of child abuse to carry a one year prison term.

With the ACLU and their liberal lap dogs fighting to deny law agencies the right to monitor suspected terrorists, why should it surprise anyone that parents should not be allowed to monitor their tots. Infact, it is surprising that they don't package this into the "Terrorists and Tots Protection Act" and make it a Federal Law.

With limp wristed psychiatrists and psychologists prescribing drugs instead of discipline to our troubled children, the slope to government control over the family has become slippier with each annual meeting of these over-educated wackos, most of whom who are so strung out on self-administered drugs that their vision of morality has been spun dry of rectitude.

Any argument for these agents of evil to be included in the BILLINGSGATE BYLAW for the sterilization of liberals would be ipso facto redundant. Possibly another layer of damnation in Dante's Inferno could be added for these wackos instead.

Yankee go home

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Byron Bay, Aus)

BULLETIN: By request of liberal poohbahs who seemed frightened by honest conservative values, officials asked BILLINGSGATE to leave Australia ASAP. With nothing more than the shirt on his back and a sheepskin codpiece to cover his ample loins, constables put BG on a plane in Brisbane and told him to never blight their shores again.

Unable to satisfy radical environmentalists concerning questions on the Kyoto Protocol, BG informed them that their malevolent crocodiles and ill-willed white sharks killed more people than Saddam Hussien. Citing recent air samplings, the vegi-crunchers were told that the sheep farts that they conveniently jet stream across the Pacific cause our eyes to water worse than a LA inversion layer. As you might imagine, that did not go over well with the liberal mateys.

Would I go back to Australia if allowed? Only if guaranteed free middies of New and conventional right side of the road driving.

BULLETIN: Still waiting for CBS to issue report on Dan Blather. Hope they don't disappoint us by telling the truth. BILLINGSGATE'S full resources are being used to sniff out this emerging cover-up of CBS's own sordid journalistic chicanery. The probing, the perservering, our own investigative reporter, the redoubtable, Detrick "Dirty Trick" Detwiler has been assigned to this developing story.

Aussies agree to sterilization pact

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Byron Bay, Aus)

BULLETIN: Although reticent at first, most Aussies seem quite receptive to the BILLINGSGATE mandate of wholesale sterilization of liberals. Infact, the mateys who work with the sheep over here might even be considered over zealous. As I dutifully reported to Dr. Earlbeck, the response has been little short of jihad in its quality and intensity of desire. My mission here has proved fruitfull to say the least, perhaps allowing BILLINGSGATE the opportunity to charge off the trip as a business deductible expense.

BULLETIN: Most of the Aussies seem very interested in hearing about the election. Most were dumbstruck by the outcome after reading and listening to the liberal wacko crap that the New York Times and CBS fed over here. Although BILLINGSGATE is a smidgen to the right of center, most of my new mateys over here were delighted to talk to some one capable of explaining the views of middle America. Infact, given a few more Middies of New, BILLINGSGATE might leave Australia a better country than when he arrived. An admirable goal to be sure.

BULLETIN: After reading the TIME magazine South Pacific edition, most letters to the editor emanating from such well run countries as Malaysia, India, South Africa and Hollywood, had much to say about how idiotic those of us who voted for President Bush were. While having absolutely no respect for the far left in America, I hold even less for these pseudo-wombat worshiping, pencil-necked geek loving, cross dressing despotic puppets.

May the dyspeptic camels that stand outside their tents defile them with dung breach fired from the business end of their befouled alimentary tracts.

G DAY

A middie of new, please

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Byron Bay, Aus)

BULLETIN: The correct form of ordering a beer in Australia has kept BILLINGSGATE in the pubs longer than is usually necessary. The past two days have been quite hazy because it takes considerable more practice than one might imagine to become a natural at this pastime. For instance, there is a beer called Tooheys that comes in two potions; one being Tooheys Old, the other being Tooheys New. Then there is the matter of size of glass and whether you are a local or a tourist.

They seem not to sell beer by the pitcher. The biggest glass is a schooner with all sizes after that being smaller. The mid size glass is quite appropriately called a "middy." So if you wish a Tooheys New in the middy size you would step up to the bar and say in pub shorthand that you wanted a Middy of New and the bar tender would pour you the same.

The art of pouring a draught is practiced with more care than that showed in the Beachcomber where it is drawn with one pull of the lever. In Australia they do a two step, allowing the first half to settle before topping it off. This extra care shows a more loving tenderness for this delightful beverage than that shown by the cleaveage displaying pretenders who pour at the Comber. Give me a properly poured beer every time.

BILLINGSGATE will sign off knowing that at least for the next few days he will enjoy his beer poured in the proper fashion.

G DAY

G Day from Byron Bay

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Byron Bay, Aus)

BULLETIN: From the most eastwardly point of Australia comes news that BILLINGSGATE has once again done what CBS and the New York Times has been doing effortlessly for decades; that is, profoundly shaping the content of news without regard to truth, ethics or balance. In this regard, the shape and form of journalism in Australia will forever be in debt to BILLINGSGATE for providing Australian journalists a worthy goal in their efforts to deceive the public.

In this small town from which whalers embarked a century ago, surfers and backpackers come by the thousands in quest of hedonistic get-to-gethers. In other words, Byron Bay is ripe for an infusion of middle American values, and thank God, the right man is here at the right time to pull these sun worshipping pagans out of their muck and mire.

No, this won't be easy. But after having fortified myself with Victoria Stout Bitter for the past few days, BILLINGSGATE is quite ready to fulfill the mission.

BULLETIN: BILLINGSGATE was somewhat confused when he saw his first topless bather at the local beach. Since her breasts were somewhat smaller than BILLINGSGATE'S, not to embarass her, I immediately put on a tee shirt to cover my own nakedness and gave the bewildered lady a stern lecture on appropriate beach behaviour.

BULLETIN: BILLINGSGATE was warned by a kind bloke at a local pub to put lotion on his white ankles and feet before they were burned to a crisp. After being told that it was a birth defect, the gentleman apologized and offered to buy me a beer.

Thank you and G Day