Letters to BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: Readers demand answers from BILLINGSGATE

"Even after the election do you still believe that John Kerry is a chicken lipped, slack jawed jackal, or was that just political rhetoric?"....Dan Rather, CBS

Response: That's a fair question, Dan. It sounds as if you have learned your lesson. Upon further reflection I would have changed "chicken lipped" to "chicken shit."

"I am intrigued by Kim Jung ll. Does he have any swing thoughts I can pass on to Tiger, and err...how long is his NO DONG missile and can he deliver?".........Elin Nordegren Woods

Response: Kim sez that if Tiger's forward press becomes longer than his backswing he should go back to Butch Harmon. Regarding the second part of your question, he said that if you would show him your rockets, he would show you his missile. Sounds like code to me.

"Were you surprised by the hospitality of the sheep when you visited Australia?"....Dolly the Sheep Clone

Response: No, but I sure had a problem with the wallabies. Son-of-a-bitches kicked out two brand new pairs of Eddie Bauer hip boots.

"You seem to be an expert on Christmas Island. If you're so smart, what is their national tree?"....Teresa Heinz Kerry

Response: This sounds like a trick question, Teresa. By any chance is it the American Dogwood?

"What so bad about listening to me sing "Jingle Bells" for 24 hours without a respite. I'm offended.".......Snoop Doggy Dog

Response: Snoop, It's hard to believe that you would find anything offensive. I will gladly apologize if you will send me an autographed copy of Coeds gone Wild in Cancun.