Ask Dr. BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: From time to time I find it necessary to clear my head by answering questions sent to me by my global devotees and other vitally concerned nonentities. To wit:

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

This past week I have been overwhelmed by the drama of what happened to Senator McGovern's dog, Upset. Now that it has been determined that the hapless McGovern either lost the dog or it was stolen, it brings back memories of my dog Muttley. As if anyone need be reminded, Muttley was famous for his shtick. Instead of the usual "bow wow" that most dogs use to evidence their pleasure, Mottley would give his staccato response of, "yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! when pleased. Do you think there was any connection between McGovern losing his dog and then getting sacked in the election?.......Dastardly Dan

Dear Dastardly,

That was a very convoluted preamble to the meat and potatoes of the question. I was one of Muttley's greatest fans and still dream of his quaint delivery. In fact, anytime that I am asked a question, I try to emulate his response, which brings a sly smile to my cat's face. Yes, indeed.

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

Why do you think that as I grow older I find myself becoming more and more attracted to Rosie O'Donnell? ......Barbara Walters

Dear Barbara WaWa,

Wow! It was lucky for Rosie that Danny DeVito was drunk when he was on the show with you and the corpulent dyke. Don't you get warm and fuzzy when Rosie's third set of chins get rolling when she goes ching chong chong ching? What do you think the poor rickshaw drivers in Shanghai think when they see her making fun of their dialect? I'll bet they don't find it as erotic as you do. To answer your question; I believe that after a third face lift most women your age are ready for a roll in the hay with an overweight, transgender Irish loudmouth. Since you have nothing more to lose, I say that you should take one more chance with love.

The Doctor wishes all devotees a wonderful weekend. GO CHARGERS!