Gobblers 2, Hunters 0

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Wenatchee)

BULLETIN: Two elderly men from Wenatchee, Washington who had gone turkey hunting together died while trying to apprehend a fugitive Meleagris Gallopavo (wild turkey).

Elmer Sapp 78 and Alfred Hurd 70, described by leftist turkey huggers as being "vigilantes" were hunting these wily birds when Hurd got out of a pickup truck and chased the suspect gobbler down an embankment. Sapp followed and found his hunting partner lying on the ground. According to Sheriff Mike Harum, Sapp went back to the pickup and flagged down a motorist and then collapsed.

Although it was thought that both men died of apparent heart attacks, autopsies were to be performed on both men to see if fowl play was involved. No pun intended.

As you know, Dr. BILLINGSGATE is not responsible for the editorial content of each and every JOURNAL entry. Even though it is impossible to match the integrity of such august fishwraps as the New York Times, it is quite easy to distort and shape the news much like they do.

So before you go to bed tonight, give your gobbler a big hug.

WMD Found Near Marine Base

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: Across the street from MCRD (Marine Corp Recruit Depot) and down the street from an elementary school and Catholic church, stands the Adult Toy Super Store. Ironically, it was here, not Iraq, where WMD (Weapons of Male Dysfunction) were first uncovered by the Marines.

Early Sunday morning in a pre-dawn raid, young Marines, not even out of basic training, confronted the combined joint forces of NOW (National Organization for Women) and the tattooed veterans from San Francisco, Dykes on Bikes. The young recruits, armed only with natural testesterone and righteous indignation, attempted to disarm the insurgents who were shouldering nuclear tipped, baseball bat sized vibrators which were newly purchased from the Toy Store.

This symbolic skirmish, pitting the forces of male domination vs female dominatrixes, mirrored the Armageddon scenario in the 1964 movie, Dr. Strangelove. As in the movie where mad generals work tirelessly to build a better bomb that would destroy humanity, their counterparts, the Adult Toy goombahs feverishly ramp up the VPM's (vibrations per minute) on these Machiavellian permutations. Countering the potentially apocalyptic nature of this mission, valiant Marine defenders, backed by the makers of Viagra and Cialis, vacuum pumps and run of the mill aphrodisiacs, stand tall for what is right in this war against NOW and the evil empire.

Who knows how this battle will spell out. Will Kofi Anna and the peckerless United Nations intervene and set some VPM limitations? Or will we see a maniacal Patricia Ireland coming out of the bomb bay of a B52 astride a nuclear tipped vibrator, kicking up her boots and screaming like a Banshee ragpicker riding a bucking bronco?

Make no mistake. This is a war that could result in gendercide if not abated. Not since woman suffrage has our nation faced such a no win situation.

Please make your responses to this Journal pithy. Dr. BILLINGSGATE prefers not to dither with idle minds.

Tony Robbins arrested in Baghdad

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: Tony Robbins, the lanky, anvil jowled guru of self-empowerment has been arrested in Baghdad and charged with high crimes and treason for showing the insurgents how to capitalize on the desperate need of suicide bombers to meet virgins without having to go to shopping bazaars or internet chat rooms.

Mr. Robbins has sold millions of his Personal Power cassettes in the USA and is acknowledged for changing the lives of suburban yuppies by showing them how to walk through burning embers without burning the hair off their knuckles. He is famous for reminding his adoring minions that, "you are not just a number, you are a piece of meat."

Realizing that the market for new wave, self absorbed idiots was drying up at home, Robbins reportedly shifted his marketing crew to Baghdad early in 2005. Here he has been working with terrorist Abu Musab al Zarkowi in a joint venture scheme that puts Robbins in charge of motivating pliable Muslim men to become martyrs. These young gentlemen have searched far and wide to capture the most elusive prey of all, the dark-eyed Arabian virgin.

Searching in all of the wrong places.

"Fool! They're all up in heaven. And each one of you miserable suckers will get 72 of 'em if you follow al Zarko's orders."

I guess it proves that if Tony can change lives here, he can do it in Baghdad.

Book him, Dano.

Ask Dr. BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

How is the Pope Mobile raffle going? I certainly hope that this ingenious scheme made enough money to give Pope John Paul II (who I greatly admire) a proper funeral and send off.

Another related question: Don't you think it is hypocritical for the Church to allow the "uncleansed" to buy these raffle tickets? No matter how hard you scrub 'em, they are still infidels.....George W. Bush

Dear Mr. President,

The raffle is doing very well in most parishes in the free world. We were able to tap into the spontaneous sentimentalism that usually sets in when world leaders pass on.

Initially we had problems overcoming the rumor that John Paul was going to take the Pope Mobile with him and trade it for a Harley when he made it to heaven. By the way, if you would like me to raffle off Air Force One so that you could balance the budget, give me a call.

As far as allowing the "uncleansed" to buy tickets, it was just another business decision that had nothing to do with religion. Unpayed bills and deficits have no conscience. Infact, they are just like infidels. No matter how hard you scrub 'em, they just won't go away.

Respectfully yours,

The Doctor

Using Solipsism to Understand Oneself

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BREAKING NEWS: As part of the process of being the primary source of information for those who unfortunately have to rely on BILLINGSGATE for all of their talking points, I offer a remedial course in the ephemeral art of self deception. Having examined my own "inner self" and finding nothing, it begs the question; is BILLINGSGATE real or merely a meaningless dot in the shifting sands in the desert of nihilistic solipsism?

Understandably, most of you have not examined yourself in this way because you were afraid that you would find nothing. Of course this should bother you to some degree if it were true. And even if it is, the good in finding this out about yourself before anyone else determines it by observing you, far outweighs the fact that you have no meaning or reason to exist.

If you have been able to follow this thinking process, you have possibly reached an area of self examination that has become uncomfortable. Understanding the philosophy of nihilistic solipsism may not ease your consciousness, but if you have a constipation problem, it could provide relief.

In a nutshell, this form of solopsism holds the philosophic view that only the self exists or can be known to exist. Therefore, reality exists only in the mind of the beholder. It specifically denies the existence of an outside world if it is perceived either directly, by involuntary experiences, or indirectly, through vicarious experiences created through communication with aliens from other worlds.

Therefore, if BILLINGSGATE is your only link to a reality that exists only in your own mind, you might consider the futility of your existential status from the viewpoint of a casual observer who, although disinterested, doesn't exist either.

Any questions? Please ask Dr. BILLINGSGATE.

Pope Mobile to be Raffled Off

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline: Vatican City)

BREAKING NEWS: Cardinal Sergio Sebastiani, President of the Prefecture for Economic Affairs of the Holy See, Roman Curia, announced today that because of deficit problems that have persisted since 2002, the Holy See will raffle off the Pope Mobile in order to raise enough money to give Pope John Paul II a proper funeral and send off.

Created and proclaimed Cardinal by John Paul II in 2001, the Italian born Sebastiani has always been a "bottom line" economist. Rather than cut back costs that include Swiss Guard overtime pay, organ players and first class air fare and accommodations for Cardinals and Bishops from all over the world, Cardinal Sebastiani directed each and every diocese and parish in the Catholic world to begin raffling off chances for the Pope Mobile.

The original Pope Mobile was a modified Range Rover. This distinctive-looking vehicle with the bullet proof booth from which the pontiff stood and waved to the throngs made its debut in 1981, after an assassination attempt left the Pope wounded. Although a Mercedes Benz and a six wheel drive Leyland T 45 have also been used to transport the Pope, Cardinal Sebastiani guarantees that the original Pope Mobile will be delivered to the winner of this international raffle.

In the spirit of ecumenism, both Roman Catholics and the uncleansed will be allowed to buy these tickets at parish centers in their area. Individual parishes will be allowed to print as many tickets as they wish and will be allowed to keep half of the money collected to offset printing costs and to ransom pagan babies born to infidels in their area.

Please check at the nearest Catholic parish in your area for raffle information.