Pope Mobile to be Raffled Off

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline: Vatican City)

BREAKING NEWS: Cardinal Sergio Sebastiani, President of the Prefecture for Economic Affairs of the Holy See, Roman Curia, announced today that because of deficit problems that have persisted since 2002, the Holy See will raffle off the Pope Mobile in order to raise enough money to give Pope John Paul II a proper funeral and send off.

Created and proclaimed Cardinal by John Paul II in 2001, the Italian born Sebastiani has always been a "bottom line" economist. Rather than cut back costs that include Swiss Guard overtime pay, organ players and first class air fare and accommodations for Cardinals and Bishops from all over the world, Cardinal Sebastiani directed each and every diocese and parish in the Catholic world to begin raffling off chances for the Pope Mobile.

The original Pope Mobile was a modified Range Rover. This distinctive-looking vehicle with the bullet proof booth from which the pontiff stood and waved to the throngs made its debut in 1981, after an assassination attempt left the Pope wounded. Although a Mercedes Benz and a six wheel drive Leyland T 45 have also been used to transport the Pope, Cardinal Sebastiani guarantees that the original Pope Mobile will be delivered to the winner of this international raffle.

In the spirit of ecumenism, both Roman Catholics and the uncleansed will be allowed to buy these tickets at parish centers in their area. Individual parishes will be allowed to print as many tickets as they wish and will be allowed to keep half of the money collected to offset printing costs and to ransom pagan babies born to infidels in their area.

Please check at the nearest Catholic parish in your area for raffle information.