Tony Robbins arrested in Baghdad

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: Tony Robbins, the lanky, anvil jowled guru of self-empowerment has been arrested in Baghdad and charged with high crimes and treason for showing the insurgents how to capitalize on the desperate need of suicide bombers to meet virgins without having to go to shopping bazaars or internet chat rooms.

Mr. Robbins has sold millions of his Personal Power cassettes in the USA and is acknowledged for changing the lives of suburban yuppies by showing them how to walk through burning embers without burning the hair off their knuckles. He is famous for reminding his adoring minions that, "you are not just a number, you are a piece of meat."

Realizing that the market for new wave, self absorbed idiots was drying up at home, Robbins reportedly shifted his marketing crew to Baghdad early in 2005. Here he has been working with terrorist Abu Musab al Zarkowi in a joint venture scheme that puts Robbins in charge of motivating pliable Muslim men to become martyrs. These young gentlemen have searched far and wide to capture the most elusive prey of all, the dark-eyed Arabian virgin.

Searching in all of the wrong places.

"Fool! They're all up in heaven. And each one of you miserable suckers will get 72 of 'em if you follow al Zarko's orders."

I guess it proves that if Tony can change lives here, he can do it in Baghdad.

Book him, Dano.