Ask Dr. BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

I read your recent story about Dr. Ollie and Dr. Buddy, the chimpanzee Plastic Surgeon team who successfully altered the facial features of Mr. St. James Davis so that he now resembles a zombie. Needless to say, I was fascinated by your account. I have some questions about their procedures:

1. Why did Mr. Davis request that the operation take place during his son's birthday party?
2. Apparently the good doctors operated without properly anesthetizing the patient. Were they Board Certified Plastic Surgeons?
3. Most importantly, can you tell me where the surgeons disposed of the various eyes, ears, nose and fingers they surgically removed from the patient?.....Hannibal Lector

Dear Hannibal,

Nice to hear from you again. I will answer your questions in the order you asked.

1. It was a setup. According to Dr. Ollie, Mr. Davis and his wife wanted to surprise their son on his birthday. It seems Moe felt that his father's features were un-chimp-like and Moe was being constantly teased by the other chimps because he didn't look anything like his dad.
2. Because the operation took place in a sanctuary for displaced animals, they were not required to have an anesthesiologist on board. Other than that deviation from accepted plastic surgery practices, I was assured by both Dr. Ollie and Dr. Buddy that the facial augmentation they performed on Mr. Davis followed strict Board guide lines.
3. Hannibal, you wily bastard, you know that I can't divulge that information to you. Nice try.