Ask Dr. BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

I know that you are an outspoken spokesperson for the protection and sanctification of historic baseball records. While it is alledged that I and other players have used steroids to increase our muscle mass to inable us to smash the records of Babe Ruth, Roger Maris and Hank Aaron, who is to say that each of them in their own way didn't stretch the rules to set their records?....Barry Bonds

Dear Barry,

You may have a point, especially regarding the Babe. Infact, I'm going to recommend that Commissioner Bud Selig personally test all left over hot dogs, whiskey, cigars and loose living bimbos that Ruth might have used when he hit 60 homers in 1927. It also might be of interest to check if sleep deprivation had anything to do with his record.

On the other hand, I firmly believe that both Maris and Aaron violated the spirit of the game when they beat Babe Ruth's single season and career home run records. How was Ruth to know that some day players would play the same game as he played without abusing their bodies?

Then again, how were Maris and Aaron to know that some wild scientist would find a way to synthesize the anabolic steroids that enabled you to break fellow steroid freako Mark McGwire's bogus record and help you in your chemically assisted effort to erase the sacred career record of Aaron.

When you came into baseball you were a pencil necked geek who couldn't lift a baseball over deep shortstop with a wind assist. Now you are just another no neck geek with acne who couldn't care less about baseball, Babe, Roger and Hank.

May you be cold cocked by a corked bat while an infertile yak urinates on your trophy collection.