Kerry demands 'bubble' to protect head from flies

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL:

BULLETIN: In a last minute face saving development, the handlers of John Kerry demanded that Kerry's head be put into a hermetically sealed bubble so that flies won't mistake it for an over ripe pumpkin during the debate tonight. Citing the Nixon Doctrine as precedent, Democratic advisors to Kerry pointed out that facial issues probably caused Nixon to lose the election to John Kennedy in the first debate ever shown on TV.

To preclude further fermentation during the debate, Kerry advisors are demanding that the bubble not only be hermetically sealed, they are also asking that the temperature within the bubble be lowered to minus 20 degrees Fahrenheit so that Kerry does not sweat so profusely.

Smelling a rat (genera Rattus) Bush advisors countered with a proposal that would lower the temperature to minus 120 degrees, hoping to freeze dry Kerry's brain before he could flip-flop his position on Iraq once more. Research has shown that Ted Williams has not changed his views on any position since his brain was frozen at that temperature a few years ago.

BILLINGSGATE being the first to break this story believes that it's crack investigator, Detrick "Dirty Trick" Detwiler, should be congratulated for unearthing this substantive news bulletin. As is it's policy, the JOURNAL will stand behind this story with no caveats other than advising readers that providing journalism unabridged, uncensored and most importantly, without proof, is a thankless mission.

Will Kerry go from ORANGE to RED ALERT?

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL

BULLETIN: In trying to explain how Kerry changed his color from yellow to orange over the past weekend, BILLINGSGATE once more called on forensic phrenologist, Dr. Weldon "Iron Pants" Foxlet of Harvard University for an explanation.

In trying to put his thoughts into words, Dr. Foxlet put up virtual images of the skulls of both John Kerry and Major Amos B. Hoople. Major Hoople, a comic book character renowned for being an officious windbag, stuffed shirt and blowhard like Kerry, had very similar phrenologic outlines in his skull according to Foxlet. Both of them, he pointed out, expressed themselves with long winded discourses about their prestigious and astonishing experiences which nobody took seriously.

"These characteristics over time tend to change one's color from yellow to orange and ultimately to red. These changes can occur overnight if the subject anticipates being called on to verify his statements," explained the doctor.

Quite frankly, BILLINGSGATE shudders at the thought that John Kerry might go from ORANGE to RED ALERT during the debate tomorrow. One can only imagine the world wide panic that might be caused if the screen turns bright red when the cameras pan in on Kerry. God forbid that the viewer be not forewarned of this possibility. The JOURNAL, in it's effort to give readers journalism unfettered by veracity restrictions, once again stands nobly in the lonely world of cutting edge, proof-deprived news.

Letters to BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL

BULLETIN: Due to the number and content of the letters responding to yesterday's JOURNAL titled "One nut away from having a chipmunk in the White House," BILLINGSGATE will dedicate today's JOURNAL to publishing excerpts from these letters and the responses to them.

• "Don't ever underestimate the determination of a basic rodent when he sets his mind to destroying your way of life. They are very evil critters"......Carl Spackler, Caddyshack

Response: Carl, Believe me, BILLINGSGATE has seen Caddyshack many times and has also witnessed the villainy of those bastards on a personal level. Thanks for the "heads up."

• "BILLINGSGATE, we know who you are and where you live. If you think that you can continue to dehumanize Kerry and Edwards with your puerile attempts to characterize them as lowly animals, you don't understand the natural food chain, and you live in a make believe world that only Ted Kennedy can understand".....Terry McAuliffe, Chairman, DNC

RESPONSE: Terry, BILLINGSGATE also knows who you are and where you live. If you think that you can intimidate a veteran and cold war warrior with your flip-flop threats, you don't understand your enemy either......GRRRRR !

• "BILLINGSGATE, you are a low life son-of-a-bitch for calling my husband a slack jawed,chicken lipped killer of unarmed chickens and pigs. My husband said those animals were armed to the teeth, and they knew that they shouldn't have been in the village which he torched with a Ronson lighter, not a ZIPPO. By the way, John told me he was in Cambodia on Christmas Day. Also, I wouldn't be surprised if they captured bin Laden before the election".......Teresa Heinz "57 Varieties" Kerry

RESPONSE: Teresa, I understand where you are coming from, and I empathize with you completely. However, I stand by my sources, Cleghorn Leghorn and Porky Pig, who say they were unarmed at the time. The fog of war might have made identification of the lighter questionable. BILLINGSGATE already knows that your husband was in Cambodia on that fateful day that was seared in his mind so vividly. What I hate to tell you is that he was in the Little Cambodia Bar and Grill in No Duc, Vietnam that day, reportedly slugging down shooters and singing Christmas carols with the bar girls. I am glad that you have faith in our troops in Afghanistan. They need all the support they can get.

One nut away from having a chipmunk in the White House

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL

BULLETIN: In a past JOURNAL it was pointed out that if Kerry were to be elected president, America would be just one nut away from having a chipmunk (John Edwards) in the White House. While BILLINGSGATE does not wish to offend members of the genera Tamias and Eutamias species, it is not only this reporter who has noted the similarity between Edwards and the standard, government issue chipmunk. Even old warlocks from the Clinton Administration such as Janet "Fire when ready" Reno and Madeleine Halfbright can't help themselves from pinching the cheeks of this effusive rodent. Speaking of rodents, Edwards has admitted to an abnormal fear of mice while eeking out a nice piece of change suing Medical Doctors.

BULLETIN: A fellow Swift Boat operator who knew Kerry personally but wishes to avoid any attribution said that Kerry was the kind of officer who didn't know the meaning of fear. He said that Kerry was a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death--in short, a complete moron. This may explain how Kerry won all of those medals in such a short time and also why he picked a demented chipmunk for a running mate.

BULLETIN: Has anyone noticed how Kerry sometimes appears bored and somewhat detached? But then again, slack jawed jackals with chicken lips often do. This is only mentioned to point out the fact that the former Swift Boat hero admitted to killing innocent chickens and pigs in a small Vietnamese village which he later torched with his ZIPPO lighter. He later claimed that these innocent animals were "armed to the teeth." In his defense, BILLINGSGATE grants that Kerry and his comrades were in a Free Fire Zone at the time and that the animals had been advised that they could be shot if suspected of carrying arms.

BULLETIN: Dr. Hannibal Lector, Jr., the son of the late cannibalistic psychiatrist, Dr. Hannibal Lector, spoke before the Board of Taxidermy at their international convention in Bora Bora last week. In his dissertation he described the newest procedures that only Board Certified Taxidermists can use to satisfy the whims of the rich and famous in their quest for narcissistic nirvana. Noting that the latest trend for yuppies was the "slack jawed jackal" look which makes the subject appear neuroleptic, combined with the puckered "chicken lip" look that movie stars and models seek to make their seductive suckers more sexually attractive to potential suckees, Dr. Lector described to fellow board members how John Kerry was taxidermally altered so that he could become the man he really loved. Sorry, Teresa.

Once more BILLINGSGATE has gone beyond the boundaries of sanity and ethics to bring you titilating news that until now, only CBS and The New York Times could bring you. In the search for ways to provide even more subjective opinions on the candidates, BILLINGSGATE can only hope to match these media giants in the search for veracity in journalism without the inhibiting burdens of proof.

Chicken-lipped lying Kerry

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL

BULLETIN: The new Swift Boat ad is out today and it has Kerry saying that he threw away his medals in 1971, then saying that he didn't. In 2004 he said that he threw them away but still has them because they weren't medals really, they were just symbols of the medals. The only thing that he wasn't able to deny is that fellow veteran, William Wrong Williams saw him throw whatever they were over the wall with a girlie man toss. The only way that a stronger case could be made regarding this very subjective critique of Kerry's throwing style is if William Wrong's twin brother, William Right Williams had been there instead.

Because of all this controversy, BILLINGSGATE has decided to bring in noted forensic phrenologist, Dr. Weldon Foxlet of Harvard University to review virtual skull scans of Kerry taken in 1971 and again in 2004. In his revealing deposition Dr. Foxlet made this observation: "When a man with chicken lips such as Mr. Kerry lies, there is usually a cathartic attempt to cleanse himself afterwards. With Kerry you will note him constantly licking his chicken lips with his lizard like tongue when he finishes a lying statement. This has remained a constant throughout the years."

In other words, whether William Wrong was William Right, Kerry threw away his medals with a girlie man toss that, no matter how many ways he affirms or denies it, he did it and said he was proud of it.

Comrade claims Kerry threw medals like a girlie man

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL - 9-16-04

BULLETIN: One of John Kerry's comrades accuses Kerry of "throwing like a girlie man" in the infamous medal throwing incident 33 years ago. Although Kerry takes pride in being an all-around athlete, William Wrong Williams, a fellow veteran who also threw away various medals including his prized Good Conduct Medal (awarded for his courageous fight against non-specific urethritis-- known on the street as the common clap) states that he was embarrassed when he saw the "girlie man" toss by Kerry when he threw his disputed medals over the wall. Williams stated, "I was standing right next to him, and I saw him sort of alligator arm those medals. Quite frankly, I was surprised to see he wasn't wearing a skirt.

Excepting the Democrats, BILLINGSGATE takes pride in consciously avoiding attacking candidates of either party for something that happened 30 some years ago. Having been forced into this controversy by the despicable attempt by CBS to dishonor the President's National Guard service by using bogus documents in their allegations that George Bush didn't fulfill his obligation, we are joining the fight against this type of journalism.

Although CBS will neither identify it's source nor admit that they erred in authenticating these documents, BILLINGSGATE will stand by it's story even though Mr. Williams is an acknowledged liar and bonafide wacko who once claimed Teresa Heinz Kerry was his mother so that she would buy him fortified wine.

As the reader will note, BILLINGSGATE not only provides the name of the veteran who claims he saw Kerry make his(her) girlie man toss, THE JOURNAL also will not back down from any part of this story even if the Democratic National Committee threatens to take away the tax exempt status of the BILLINGSGATE INSTITUTE if Kerry were to be elected. THE JOURNAL will always stand by it's pledge to provide veracity in journalism without being fettered by the burden of proof.