Will Kerry go from ORANGE to RED ALERT?

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL

BULLETIN: In trying to explain how Kerry changed his color from yellow to orange over the past weekend, BILLINGSGATE once more called on forensic phrenologist, Dr. Weldon "Iron Pants" Foxlet of Harvard University for an explanation.

In trying to put his thoughts into words, Dr. Foxlet put up virtual images of the skulls of both John Kerry and Major Amos B. Hoople. Major Hoople, a comic book character renowned for being an officious windbag, stuffed shirt and blowhard like Kerry, had very similar phrenologic outlines in his skull according to Foxlet. Both of them, he pointed out, expressed themselves with long winded discourses about their prestigious and astonishing experiences which nobody took seriously.

"These characteristics over time tend to change one's color from yellow to orange and ultimately to red. These changes can occur overnight if the subject anticipates being called on to verify his statements," explained the doctor.

Quite frankly, BILLINGSGATE shudders at the thought that John Kerry might go from ORANGE to RED ALERT during the debate tomorrow. One can only imagine the world wide panic that might be caused if the screen turns bright red when the cameras pan in on Kerry. God forbid that the viewer be not forewarned of this possibility. The JOURNAL, in it's effort to give readers journalism unfettered by veracity restrictions, once again stands nobly in the lonely world of cutting edge, proof-deprived news.