One nut away from having a chipmunk in the White House

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL

BULLETIN: In a past JOURNAL it was pointed out that if Kerry were to be elected president, America would be just one nut away from having a chipmunk (John Edwards) in the White House. While BILLINGSGATE does not wish to offend members of the genera Tamias and Eutamias species, it is not only this reporter who has noted the similarity between Edwards and the standard, government issue chipmunk. Even old warlocks from the Clinton Administration such as Janet "Fire when ready" Reno and Madeleine Halfbright can't help themselves from pinching the cheeks of this effusive rodent. Speaking of rodents, Edwards has admitted to an abnormal fear of mice while eeking out a nice piece of change suing Medical Doctors.

BULLETIN: A fellow Swift Boat operator who knew Kerry personally but wishes to avoid any attribution said that Kerry was the kind of officer who didn't know the meaning of fear. He said that Kerry was a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death--in short, a complete moron. This may explain how Kerry won all of those medals in such a short time and also why he picked a demented chipmunk for a running mate.

BULLETIN: Has anyone noticed how Kerry sometimes appears bored and somewhat detached? But then again, slack jawed jackals with chicken lips often do. This is only mentioned to point out the fact that the former Swift Boat hero admitted to killing innocent chickens and pigs in a small Vietnamese village which he later torched with his ZIPPO lighter. He later claimed that these innocent animals were "armed to the teeth." In his defense, BILLINGSGATE grants that Kerry and his comrades were in a Free Fire Zone at the time and that the animals had been advised that they could be shot if suspected of carrying arms.

BULLETIN: Dr. Hannibal Lector, Jr., the son of the late cannibalistic psychiatrist, Dr. Hannibal Lector, spoke before the Board of Taxidermy at their international convention in Bora Bora last week. In his dissertation he described the newest procedures that only Board Certified Taxidermists can use to satisfy the whims of the rich and famous in their quest for narcissistic nirvana. Noting that the latest trend for yuppies was the "slack jawed jackal" look which makes the subject appear neuroleptic, combined with the puckered "chicken lip" look that movie stars and models seek to make their seductive suckers more sexually attractive to potential suckees, Dr. Lector described to fellow board members how John Kerry was taxidermally altered so that he could become the man he really loved. Sorry, Teresa.

Once more BILLINGSGATE has gone beyond the boundaries of sanity and ethics to bring you titilating news that until now, only CBS and The New York Times could bring you. In the search for ways to provide even more subjective opinions on the candidates, BILLINGSGATE can only hope to match these media giants in the search for veracity in journalism without the inhibiting burdens of proof.