Cock-a-Doodle-Doo

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

CHICKITIN: Dr. BILLINGSGATE wishes to thank Guy Lombardo for providing the inspiration for "The Immigration Song." It is a variation of "The Chicken Song" that was quite popular back in the '40's and '50's and was sung by the vocalist for Guy Lombardo's band.

WARNING: Please do not attempt to download this song on the cheap. Detrick "Dirty Trick" Detwiler will be monitoring this blog.

THE IMMIGRATION SONG

Cock-a-doodle-doo, bless our immigration
They bypass our borders the best they can
Sometimes nine and sometimes ten
Cock-a-doodle-doo, bless our immigration

Our border patrol is at its best
They try to sleep, but cannot rest
They come home baggy eyed
With no support they give a cry

We ain't gonna take it sittin' down
We ain't gonna take it sittin' down
While we're here catchin' white and brown
You're letting them run around the town
And we ain't gonna take it sittin' down

And you liberals out there, don't you laugh
You just can't fool your better half
You mark our words, you'll see the day
When the whole country will up and say

We ain't gonna take it sittin' down
We ain't gonna take it sittin' down
You needn't hang around to plead
Stop handin' us that chickenfeed
We ain't gonna take it sittin' down

Cock-a-doodle-doo, bless our immigration

Ask Dr. BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

Now that Evangelist Jerry Falwell has succumbed and is in heaven surrounded by nubile virgins, do you think that the gays, lesbians and those unable to define their sexualty will forgive him for saying that 9/11 was the result of their errant ways?....Usama bin Laden

Yo Binny,

If I didn't know better I would have bet that your dialysis machine didn't make it when you were running for your life in Bora Bora. So let's get down to the nitty gritty. President Bush has decided that Rev. Falwell was right in blaming the gays and lesbos for 9/11. That means you're off the hook. The 25 extra-large for your ass has been rescinded, and you are free to go back to your favorite camel. Please advise me of your new coordinates. By the way, if you really love your camel, you might give him the day off when the missiles start coming.

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

What do you think of my brother, Jimmy?.....Billy Carter

Dear Billy,

I'll take the chance that even though you died in 1988, you have more brain cells working than your turkey-necked brother. If somehow you are in a place where you have access to your brother's left ear, please check and see if there is light coming through from his right ear. You got that Billy Boy?

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

What do you got against chicken lips. You have been pecking around that subject for the last two weeks. Personally, I find them quite attractive. Down in Arkansas, it is sign of aristocracy. I believe that you owe me and everyone else at Foster Farms an apology.....Cleghorn "Hot Lips" Leghorn

Dear Hot Lips,

I never intended to offend the millions of hens and roosters who call Arkansas home. If you don't mind, I want to ask you a personal question. When Slick Willy was scratching around Little Rock, did you ever sneak in and give Hillary a poke? Chelsea has your looks and has your strut. Do you think she has a chance of hookin up with Donald Duck?

DISCLAIMER: According to the First Amendment, The Doctor cannot be held responsible for anything he writes. So if you are a chicken-lipped liberal, go suck an egg.

The Cure For Chicken Lips

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline The Chicken Farm, Nevada)

CHICKITIN: Due to the overwhelming number of extreme far right conservatives who have emailed me complaining that even their most conservative friends are staring at their lips and caller them pecker-lipped proteans, I must apologize to those who inadvertently were born with chicken lips, especially William Buckley. Although I explained to Mr. Buckley that somewhere in his lineage there must have been a liberal in the wood pile, I will not back down from the empirical validity of my observation. By and large, show me a card carrying liberal, and I will show you someone with a gallus labius affliction.

Just as I would not wish to be called a socialist because I was given a social security number, I understand, that for many of you who were conceived in the heat of a chance barnyard encounter between a Rhode Island Red and your mama, why you feel dismay for being classified a liberal. As with most unwanted afflictions, there is hope on the horizon. You have possibly noticed the Hollywood starlets prancing around with their pouty, bee stung lips provocatively pursed for whatever. Do you really believe those lips are anymore real than the boobs below them? Get real.

The good news is that Dr. Barry Stretchleather, the renowned Beverly Hills plastic surgeon and taxidermist for the stars, will do your lips for a 10% discount if you mention that you are a conservative. Incidently, Dr. Stretchleather graduated dead last in his class at my alma mater. I must remind you that LaFontaine College is one of the few institutes of higher learning with the distinction of not requiring class attendance. Dr. Stretchleather made the mistake of actually trying to find his classroom to turn in his taxidermy project, which was an over stuffed, pinch-mouthed prude who he had liberated from a brothel the night before. For that he was awarded his Diplomat of Taxidermy and Plastic Surgery and was escorted off the campus by security police. The rest is reconstructive history.

Just like the New York Times, if the Doctor is not the news, he will manufacture it to fit his philosophy.

Why Liberals Have Chicken Lips

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

CHICKITIN: Anyone who has been a dedicated devotee of the Journal for the past three years or so probably remembers Senator John Kerry being described in these pages as a liberal, slack jawed, chicken-lipped jackal. It is no secret that I despise these vacuous political scum suckers in a way that words cannot fully address. While our military is fighting for our lives and freedom over in Iraq, these pecker-lipped proteans are selling us out for their own political gain.

When you look at the profiles of John Kerry, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Chuck Schumer, John Murtha, Teddy Kennedy and all the rest of the liberal flotsam, has it dawned on you that each of them has a physical characteristic that sets them apart from conservatives? Yes, boys and girls. They all suffer the common affliction of chicken lips (gallus labius). This, I have been assured by Dr. Cleghorn Leghorn, forensic chicken anthropology professor emeritus at LaFontaine College, is the result of cross-breeding Homo sapiens with the common domestic fowl known as the chicken. As you well know, to call someone a chicken is not meant to establish that individual as a ferocious terrier.

If anyone has remaining doubts concerning evolution, the next time you observe a liberal, check out his or her lips.

Barack Obama

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (From the Beltway)

BULLETIN: Who is the real Barack Obama? Is he the glib, smiling, smooth talking politician who seems to have the inside track for the Democratic presidential nomination. Or is he someone we really don't know? Certainly, most of us understand that underneath his silky demeanor is a lurking, leftist leaning commie pinko who would replace baseball with fudgepacking as the National Sport if he were in a position to nominate Supreme Court judges. We also know that he was raised in Indonesia by a Muslim jihadist who has sworn to make sharia the law of the world. Although he went to a Catholic school for a period of time, he has disavowed any influence of that encounter while wholly advocating late term abortion. Worst of all, he has been overheard at Beltway parties saying, "The Pope is a Dope."

Because of Obama's complex background and because the liberal media has failed to unearth anything meaningful that might sully his reputation, BILLINGSGATE has decided to take his crack forensic investigator, Detrick "Dirty Trick" Detwiler out of retirement. As you well remember, Dirty Trick was instrumental in revealing the bogus Swift Boat heroics of Senator John Kerry in the last elections. His findings:

Factoid: Barack Obama is not a black man. Despite his efforts to appeal to this constituency, Detrick found that Obama could not dribble a basketball with either hand. But more importantly, he was found to wipe his butt with his left hand.

Factoid: Barack Hussein Obama is more Muslim than American. While growing up in Indonesia, his best friend and confidant was a camel. Emails have confirmed that he still corresponds with his old pal, Bunky the camel.

Factoid: Although Barack Obama once killed a guy after jumping off of a beached belly board, unlike Catholic John Kerry, he gave the guy a chance to convert to Islam before he shot him.

Factoid: Barack Obama does not have three man-berries as reported. Although he refers to his female intern as a "sperm receptacle," he does not insist that she cover herself with a burka while belly dancing in his Senate office.

Conclusion: If this is the best the Democrats have to offer, bring em on.

Good job, Detrick.