The Cure For Chicken Lips

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline The Chicken Farm, Nevada)

CHICKITIN: Due to the overwhelming number of extreme far right conservatives who have emailed me complaining that even their most conservative friends are staring at their lips and caller them pecker-lipped proteans, I must apologize to those who inadvertently were born with chicken lips, especially William Buckley. Although I explained to Mr. Buckley that somewhere in his lineage there must have been a liberal in the wood pile, I will not back down from the empirical validity of my observation. By and large, show me a card carrying liberal, and I will show you someone with a gallus labius affliction.

Just as I would not wish to be called a socialist because I was given a social security number, I understand, that for many of you who were conceived in the heat of a chance barnyard encounter between a Rhode Island Red and your mama, why you feel dismay for being classified a liberal. As with most unwanted afflictions, there is hope on the horizon. You have possibly noticed the Hollywood starlets prancing around with their pouty, bee stung lips provocatively pursed for whatever. Do you really believe those lips are anymore real than the boobs below them? Get real.

The good news is that Dr. Barry Stretchleather, the renowned Beverly Hills plastic surgeon and taxidermist for the stars, will do your lips for a 10% discount if you mention that you are a conservative. Incidently, Dr. Stretchleather graduated dead last in his class at my alma mater. I must remind you that LaFontaine College is one of the few institutes of higher learning with the distinction of not requiring class attendance. Dr. Stretchleather made the mistake of actually trying to find his classroom to turn in his taxidermy project, which was an over stuffed, pinch-mouthed prude who he had liberated from a brothel the night before. For that he was awarded his Diplomat of Taxidermy and Plastic Surgery and was escorted off the campus by security police. The rest is reconstructive history.

Just like the New York Times, if the Doctor is not the news, he will manufacture it to fit his philosophy.