Ask Dr. BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

Now that Evangelist Jerry Falwell has succumbed and is in heaven surrounded by nubile virgins, do you think that the gays, lesbians and those unable to define their sexualty will forgive him for saying that 9/11 was the result of their errant ways?....Usama bin Laden

Yo Binny,

If I didn't know better I would have bet that your dialysis machine didn't make it when you were running for your life in Bora Bora. So let's get down to the nitty gritty. President Bush has decided that Rev. Falwell was right in blaming the gays and lesbos for 9/11. That means you're off the hook. The 25 extra-large for your ass has been rescinded, and you are free to go back to your favorite camel. Please advise me of your new coordinates. By the way, if you really love your camel, you might give him the day off when the missiles start coming.

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

What do you think of my brother, Jimmy?.....Billy Carter

Dear Billy,

I'll take the chance that even though you died in 1988, you have more brain cells working than your turkey-necked brother. If somehow you are in a place where you have access to your brother's left ear, please check and see if there is light coming through from his right ear. You got that Billy Boy?

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

What do you got against chicken lips. You have been pecking around that subject for the last two weeks. Personally, I find them quite attractive. Down in Arkansas, it is sign of aristocracy. I believe that you owe me and everyone else at Foster Farms an apology.....Cleghorn "Hot Lips" Leghorn

Dear Hot Lips,

I never intended to offend the millions of hens and roosters who call Arkansas home. If you don't mind, I want to ask you a personal question. When Slick Willy was scratching around Little Rock, did you ever sneak in and give Hillary a poke? Chelsea has your looks and has your strut. Do you think she has a chance of hookin up with Donald Duck?

DISCLAIMER: According to the First Amendment, The Doctor cannot be held responsible for anything he writes. So if you are a chicken-lipped liberal, go suck an egg.