Ask Dr. BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: Of all the honors that I have received for the BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL, none has given me more pleasure than the Major Amos B. Hoople Award for the awesomely personal feature in which the Doctor answers mundane questions from real people in a style not seen since Dear Abby flunked the "fog the mirror" test three years before rigor mortis made it difficult for her to take pen in hand. What more can I say?

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

As Foreign Minister for Kim Jung IL, I find it reprehensible that you imply that Kim Jung's sex slaves snicker behind his back about the diminutive size of his organ. That kind of talk just makes him more angry, and he takes it out on me......Park Sun

Dear Mr. Park Sun,

Are you trying to tell me that Kim Jung gets so mad that he parks it where the sun doesn't shine? Have you considered telling him that your buttocks are off limits to his rapacious desires? Tell him to keep his mittens off your kittens.

Just remember what Confucious say: "Sun shine best where no Kim Jung shadow park." I hope that this profundity takes away some of the soreness. Believe me, I feel your pain.........Next question please!

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

Why don't you ever write about your mentor, Dr. Cleotus Earlbeck? Is he still counting tortoise eggs and collecting bat guana in the Galapagos Islands? I miss hearing about his Darwinian adventures. Life seemed so simple back then. Other than Senator John Kerry and a demented ground hog creating havoc, there weren't so many wackos running around.......Carl Spackler

Dear Carl,

Whatsup? Good hearing from you again. I haven't watched Caddy Shack for a long time, either. Still can't believe how that little varmint got your goat. Great movie about a real terror threat.

Got bad new concerning Dr. Cleotus. He was out watching the giant tortoises racing around the beach and fell into deep trench of fresh bat guana. Got a nose full of the stuff and swore off drinking until he got back to his favorite bar. He now considers himself a batguanaholic and is in recovery. I will keep in touch.