Why Kim Jung Il is really dangerous

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Pyongyang, North Korea)

NOTE: Because the diminutive one from North Korea just celebrated the success of his penis enlargement operation by discharging a nuclear emission, I thought it proper to republish this entry that was first published in the JOURNAL over a year ago when the Korean News Bureau notified the world that little Kim posted a record round of 34 at the Pyongyang Golf Club, once and forever usurping the title from Tiger Woods as the world's best golfer. Because the successful nuclear test was much easier to accomplish than his record round, Kim Jung barely acknowledged it to the world. Is this pygmy dwarf nuts or not?

By the way. if you don't believe that he shot this score, just go to Google and type in: Kim Jung Il Golf.

BULLETIN: More than a half century has passed since an armistice was signed in Panmunjeom that divided the Korean peninsula into North and South Korea and ended the Korean War. Astride the Military Demarcation Line that runs down the middle of this no man's land is The Bridge of No Return, so named because anyone who chose to go to North Korea would never be allowed to return.

Across this bridge and to the north is Pyongyang, the capitol city of North Korea. There, on a crisp October morning in 1994 at the Pyongyang Golf Club, smack in the middle of the Axis of Evil, Comrade General Kim Jong Il inexplicably played the par 72 course in just 34 strokes from the back tees. Resident professional, Park Young Man, together with Kim's 17 body guards attested his score card which included an improbable five holes in one and 13 eagles.

How does a man who heads a country whose 22 million citizens are on the verge of starvation and who commands an army of over a million men find time to work on his game? The truth is that Kim Jong had never touched a club before his record round. Instead he relied on "Juche" or self reliance. After learning that his epic score was 25 strokes better than ever achieved, Kim decided that there were greater challenges in life and threw his clubs into Taesung Lake and has not played since. As Confucious said, "Man blames fate for every misfortune but feels personally responsible for hole-in-one."

What was Kim's real secret? Was it his Don King hairdo? Had his intelligence gurus broken the code, unveiling Ben Hogan's much discussed but never revealed secret? Will the wily dictator try to exchange his swing thoughts for enriched plutonium or rice for his starving millions. Or will he try to blackmail Tiger by threatening to take his game to the PGA Tour? Might the striped one's new bride dump him for the more athletic tyrant?

Inveterate readers of the JOURNAL might ponder all of these questions, but still wonder why BILLINGSGATE traveled all the way to Pyongyang for this story. It's the Commie pinkos taking another slice of our life, stupid! You guys just don't get it. If that bad haired bandido could conquer the game of golf without ever taking a lesson, what chance had we when Clinton sent over Madeliene Halfbright to negotiate a nuclear arm's treaty. Do you liberals get it, or do I have to remind you that North Korea acquired 'GOLF' class submarines from the Soviets in 1994 and have modified them to shoot NO DONG missiles at us. My guess as to why the Koreans named them NO DONG was to honor Bill Clinton when Hillary found out about his tryst with Monica Lewinsky.

Once again the BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL has blissfully ignored all ethical taboos and lowered its standards to bring you news that heretofore only CBS and The New York Times dared to launch on their unsophisticated audiences.