Fatwah My Ass!

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Lebanon)

LATE BREAKING BULLETIN: Hezbollah leader, Sheik Hassan Nasrallah, issues fatwah on Dr. BILLINGSGATE. Calling the Good Doctor a Zionist running dog, the Sheik called for Hizbullah USA to perform a toast-tada on yours truly.

LATER BREAKING BULLETIN: Ever resourceful Dr. BILLINGSGATE counters fatwah by applying for and receiving emergency Ph.D in "Fatwah Reconciliation" from LaFontaine College in the Cayman Islands. Using tactics originally developed by Anthropology Professor, Missy "No-Nose" Nostrilone, to reconcile the long standing differences between indigenous crocodiles and those natives attempting to make purses of their hides, Dr. B issued a counter fatwah on Nasrallah.

Although not likely to appease the bearded Muslim cleric, at the very least it will remind him that fatwahs should not be issued for personal revenge and ego manifestation.

NOTE: Scarcely a day goes by without some Raghead calling for a fatwah on me. For the money, the Fatwah Reconciliation Doctorate that I recently scored was the ultimate of all of the academic achievements that I have received from LaFontaine College, easily surpassing my coveted Ph.D in Taxidermy.

Hezbollah Calls For Standardized Jewish Slurs

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Beirut)

BULLETIN: Hezbollah leader, Sheik Hassan Nasrullah, met today with United Nations Secretary General, Kofi Annan, demanding that the UN convene an emergency meeting immediately to standardize language condemning Israel for attacking Lebanon. Stating that it is readily apparent that slurs used to describe the Israeli occupiers varied so much that it was confusing readers and made it very difficult for a layman to understand who the real enemy of Hizbullah was.

In a move to counter this move, Israel Prime Minister Ehud Olmert, suggested that because both Hezbollah and Hizbullah were responsible for kidnapping soldiers and shooting pocket rockets into Israel, it was impossible for them to focus on the real enemy, leaving them no choice but to blow up everything under their hastily improvised rules of engagement.

In an unusual display of unity among Raghead leaders, Arab League Secretary General Amr Moussa, proposed that Israel be referred to as "Al Halsuada" or "the evil dogs." Hezbollah fighters, however, preferred the Lebanese translation which referred to the Jews as "big-nosed curs." Hizbullah, hoping to out-trump their spelling variated brethren, called for the Jews to be called, "sons of bitches."

Members of the Syrian Jihadic Congress, however, combined many slurs by using the standardized Arabic "kosher licking, scum-sucking, son of a dog's dirty deed," to describe their Mideast neighbors.

Across the border from Israel, representatives of the Palestinian Hamas were unable to participate in the dialogue because they were unable to leave the country and couldn't phone their selection in because they hadn't paid their phone bill.

"Clearly there is a necessity to clarify and standardize language denigrating Jews," Kofi Annan said. While everyone has their own particular favorite, I think that the results of this summit will be helpful in making Islamic hatred more understandable for future summits. In a final statement issued by Sheik Hassan Nasrullah it was directed that the standardized version should read:

"For all future United Nation's sessions, Israelis, Jews and Zionists will now be referred to as 'egg sucking Jew bastards.' ''

Ask Dr. BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: You readers have been pestering me for the last month to publish this unbelievable point-counterpoint question and answer feature. Rightly so. The twisted question and distorted response formula that I invented has grown on readers like a fungus on dog doo-doo. Let's roll em!

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

Last thing I remembered, I was runnin for the door. I had to find the passage back to the place I was before.....Now that I'm here, where in hell are all the virgins?.......Al Zarqawi

Dear Al,

Evidently you chose the wrong door. All of the virgins were behind Door Number 2. Better luck next time.

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

I will lift the ban and allow you to publish your silly letters on my web site if you promise to apologize for calling me a dirt bag ho......Ann Coulter

Dear Ms. Coulter,

You can do better than that. How about a little one on one tonsil hockey, winner take all? Or better yet, how would you like to have verbal intercourse with me somewhere between your far right mouth and your left wing ass. You surely be a dirt bag ho, through and through.

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

Thanks for speaking up for me and the rest of the "carny" workers who have dedicated our lives to befouling the environment with our rustic armpit odors. You were right about those horny "Sex in the City" broads. They love to get down and dirty with us, especially when we wear wife beater tank tops and cut-offs.

About using the common bath water for snow cones. True story. Back in the 60's before they put filters on the pipes going from the bath water to the snow cone machines, some kid found some hair in his cherry flavored snow cone. So we put filters in. Big deal!.....Vernon "Vertical Spin" Tortacelli (Ferris Wheels is my Business)

Dear Vernon,

Thanks for the letter. I knew those over sexed bimbos were holding out for guys like you. That's why most clean cut guys like myself never wash our underwear. And thanks for taking care of the snow cone problem.

NOTE: From time to time, the Doctor has to regenerate his alter ego by scoring a new Doctorate or two. You will be pleased to hear that I was recently awarded a Ph.D by LaFontaine College in the arcane field of Mongolian Gerbil Management. Too many of them are being used as sex toys by bored Hollywood actors looking for thrills in all the wrong places.

HIZBULLAH or HEZBOLLAH

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Beirut)

BULLETIN: As if we didn't have problems enough, the dispute over the correct spelling of this Iranian sponsored terrorist group has reached a critical level that may supersede even the dispute between the two warring parties, Israel and Palestine. The first inclination that I had that this nomenclature problem might evolve into something really nasty was when I read that Mojtaba Bigdeli was the spokesman for the Iranian Hezbollah (Hizbullah)

My first question is, what kind of parent would name their child, Mojtaba Bigdeli? My reflex thought was that "Bigdeli" was the nickname of a Sicilian Mafioso type, like Sam "Big Sausage" Rigatoni. Bigdeli sounds as infidel to me as a Subway salami 6 incher with the works.

This dispute over the spelling of a name has left the world press spellbound, something akin to the histrionics regarding the proper pronunciation of the word, "to-ma-toe" or "to-mat-o" that occurred in the last century which put New York bluenoses in a tizzy.

Epistemologically speaking, I wonder if the women's restroom doors in Ragheadsville have a picture of a black formless Hezbollah critter, while the men's doors are inscribed with a double humped dromedary Hizbullah. What the hell is a bollah (bullah) anyway. It's this kind of crap that drives me nuts. Maybe it means toilet. Like in "Hez toilet" or "Hiz toilet". You know, like "Frances" or "Francis".

Who gives a rat's ass anymore? The more I think about those Islamic fascist bastards, the more agitated I get. Instead of ranting on about how smart he is, why doesn't Michael Savage address this important question?

I hope that the fatuous liberal journalists who hide behind the heavy doors of the New York Times read this blog. Maybe they can find out what the correct spelling is before I go completely wacko.

Cordially yours,

The Doctor

My Take on July 4th

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: Carnival workers fight mandatory shower rule: While the average American male worker takes a daily shower or bath to refresh himself and also rid himself of pesty parasites, dangling dingle berries and pungent odors that might effect his love life deleteriously, carnival workers are furious that such indignities might be forced on them by the owners of the traveling carnivals that seem to pop up in every small town in America each summer.

Now that Memorial Day showers have been made mandatory as part of a union agreement that was hammered out this Spring, the mere suggestion that workers might have to take another shower before Labor Day has these roughnecks excogitating ways to beat the system and retain their hard earned status as "America's most foul labor force."

Carnival worker's union chief, Sammy "Civet Cat" Costa, said that traditionally, carnival workers have always been allowed to bathe or not bathe at their own discretion. Many carnival workers, including Ferris Wheel operator, Vernon "Vertical Spin" Tortacelli, aren't convinced that the chicks would dig them if they weren't odiforous. Certainly there is scholarship that ranks armpit odor as one of Nature's finest aphrodisiacs, especially if sniffed by banal "Sex in the City" type sophisticates.

Under the old rules, Tortacelli pointed out; "We used to be allowed to bathe in the common tank. I guess it became a problem because this was the same water earmarked for the snow cone machine. I suppose that mandatory mid-summer showers might be okay as long as we don't have to use soap."

Happy 4th of July!