Ask Dr. BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: You readers have been pestering me for the last month to publish this unbelievable point-counterpoint question and answer feature. Rightly so. The twisted question and distorted response formula that I invented has grown on readers like a fungus on dog doo-doo. Let's roll em!

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

Last thing I remembered, I was runnin for the door. I had to find the passage back to the place I was before.....Now that I'm here, where in hell are all the virgins?.......Al Zarqawi

Dear Al,

Evidently you chose the wrong door. All of the virgins were behind Door Number 2. Better luck next time.

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

I will lift the ban and allow you to publish your silly letters on my web site if you promise to apologize for calling me a dirt bag ho......Ann Coulter

Dear Ms. Coulter,

You can do better than that. How about a little one on one tonsil hockey, winner take all? Or better yet, how would you like to have verbal intercourse with me somewhere between your far right mouth and your left wing ass. You surely be a dirt bag ho, through and through.

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

Thanks for speaking up for me and the rest of the "carny" workers who have dedicated our lives to befouling the environment with our rustic armpit odors. You were right about those horny "Sex in the City" broads. They love to get down and dirty with us, especially when we wear wife beater tank tops and cut-offs.

About using the common bath water for snow cones. True story. Back in the 60's before they put filters on the pipes going from the bath water to the snow cone machines, some kid found some hair in his cherry flavored snow cone. So we put filters in. Big deal!.....Vernon "Vertical Spin" Tortacelli (Ferris Wheels is my Business)

Dear Vernon,

Thanks for the letter. I knew those over sexed bimbos were holding out for guys like you. That's why most clean cut guys like myself never wash our underwear. And thanks for taking care of the snow cone problem.

NOTE: From time to time, the Doctor has to regenerate his alter ego by scoring a new Doctorate or two. You will be pleased to hear that I was recently awarded a Ph.D by LaFontaine College in the arcane field of Mongolian Gerbil Management. Too many of them are being used as sex toys by bored Hollywood actors looking for thrills in all the wrong places.