Chancellor Lifts Exotic Dancer Ban

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Cayman Islands)

LATE BREAKING BULLETIN: From the Chancellery of LaFontaine College, Dr. Jacque LaFontaine XXII, a direct descendent of the founder of the College, issued the following proclamation: "In keeping with the tradition of LaFontaine College, the ban on exotic dancers performing for our students has been lifted for financial reasons."

The chancellor readily admits that in addition to his position at the College, he owns a stable of a dozen or more exotic dancers whom he rents out to supplement his paltry salary. In denying that he has a conflict of interest, he does point out that if young male students need that kind of titillation now, he fears that when they reach his age they may be so jaded that they might take up more mundane hobbies, such as golf or fishing, resulting in his financial demise.

In lifting the ban he cited the upcoming basketball game between the Wedgies and the Duke Blue Devils as being the underlying factor. In a confidential memo that he received from his counterpart at Duke University, Dr. Whippleton Xenos, it was requested that he bring his exotic dancers with him for a private showing so that the dancers could personally exemplify the moral dichotomy of their profession.

According to Dr. Xenos, who has been known to receive students in his office unencumbered by the restraints of clothing, the 2006 Duke student handbook is ambiguous on the subject of exotic dancers. He cites the following paragraphs as examples:

Para: 144.05 Retention of Exotic Dancers for off campus events: No exotic dancers shall be retained solely for the purpose of getting naked and slithering around provocatively. If however some community service is performed such as redistributing money from wealthy elitist students to impoverished dancers who use the money to feed their family, this shall be considered exculpatory.

Para: 144.06 Treatment of Exotic Dancers while on Premises: No one shall leer at, make suggestive comments to, or attempt to convince dancers to use household items such as brooms as props for their performance unless dancers forget to bring their own sex toys to embellish show. If any of the dancers accuse one or more of the students of leering and/or making suggestive comments, two thirds of the students witnessing the show must concur with the complainant prior to action by the Duke Student Council.

Para: 144.07 Payment of Exotic Dancers for Services Performed: Unless the dancers can produce a legal contract, signed by all parties, it shall be left to the students to decide what remuneration the dancers shall receive based on a 10 point grading list. If any question arises, the minimum rate the dancers shall receive will be no less than North Carolina's minimum wage of $5.07 per hour.

*The above paragraphs from the Duke University Student Handbook were printed with the permission of Duke University as a service to the readers of the BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL.

LaFontaine College Bans Exotic Dancers

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Cayman Islands)

BULLETIN: The Board of Governors of LaFontaine College announced that it was barring currently enrolled student from employing exotic dancers unless they are accompanied by at least one voyeuristic professor. This ban goes into effect immediately. The only exception is for half-time periods of the basketball games where it is traditional for everyone to get totally nude with the players and cavort around as if they were savages.

The LaFontaine College nickname is "The Wedgies." Both the men and women teams wear the pants of their uniforms pulled up as high as possible, leaving very little to the imagination as to where their bodies are subdivided. The reason that they all rip their uniforms off at half-time is to allow relief from the nagging stricture of the pants on their private parts.

The team mascot is a cork who dances around trying to plug all the holes during these intermissions. The cork is bisexual and receives no pay for this service, but always seems to have a smile on its face.

If anyone is interested in watching the Wedgies, they play an "exhibition" game against the Duke Blue Devils this next November in Durham. Bring your broomsticks.

Note: If you feel that the DOCTOR has crossed the line, please draw another one.

CURRICULUM VITAE VALIDATION

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline LaFontaine College)

BULLETIN: From time to time I have had to defend myself from those whom I refer to as "vitally concerned non-entities." Recently one of my readers who happens to be an old friend, and by coincidence, also an undergraduate alumnus of the university from which I matriculated, made mention of the fact that he believes that I may have consciously or otherwise assumed the persona of my alter ego, Dr. BILLINGSGATE.

To address this concern which others may subconsciously hold, I wish to once and for all stop this vicious attack on me and my curriculum vitae. Enough is enough! After withstanding cloning attacks from mad scientists based in South Korea and and Lhasa, Tibet, I thought that I had rid myself of those jealous of my academic achievements. It is almost laughable that someone who graduated from a mid-level, middle-west university, distinguished only by the fact that Dr. BILLINGSGATE once hung his jock there, is now disrespecting LaFontaine College of the Cayman Islands.

A little history regarding LaFontaine College: Founded in 1486 by Jacque LaFontaine, a noble savage of French descent, it began as a one room boiler plate operation, producing diplomas very similar to those issued by the Sorbonne University of Paris which was founded in 13th century by Abelard and where both St. Bonaventure and St. Thomas Aquinas studied. With these impecable credentials, LaFontaine College prospered and became internationally known to sunbathers as an alternative to spending usefull time pursuing academic goals. Even today it has not relinquished its position as a viable aternative to learning and is fully credentialed by the Cayman Islands Bureau of Ecole Standards.

So for someone whose pursuit of knowledge ended when he returned his cap and gown so that some other sucker who spent four years of concentrated plagiarizing and cheating could use it the following year, it seems ironic that this "old friend" would turn on me for scoring eleven Ph.D's from a fully accredited, internationally recognized alternative college.

That said, I will be attaching one of my diplomas for your inspection. And for a very reasonable $19.99 + $10.00 shipping and handling, you may order a Doctorate Diploma of your own.

Please include your name and whatever degree you wish to receive and include your credit card number so that I can ring up your account. You should receive your degree in about 14 working days.

e-mail to: intercal2000@aol.com

Ask Dr.BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

I thought it was unconscionable that anyone would try to clone you, especially those bogus clonologists from South Korea. I laughed when I saw them wheel your purported clone out and it (sic) lifted one leg to pee. Now you know how violated I felt when I was cloned.......Dolly, the Sheep Clone

Dear Ms. Dolly,

Thanks for the support. By the way, have you gotten over your disappointment when Michael Moore left you for a younger sheep clone? I guess I stopped believing anything emanating from Korea when Kim Jung Ill claimed he shot a 36 for 18 holes on his first golf outing. Keep it in the short hair.

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

I am intrigued by your clone's ability to "hover" with both feet off the ground when it (sic) pees. I found an easier way to do the same thing without hovering, and I recommend this method for those unable to levitate. Try this: Find a toilet with a very high base. If it is high enough, when you sit down to pee, your feet will not touch the ground. It works like majic, and you don't need any of that wacky tobacky to get you off the ground.......Snoop Doggy Dogg

Dear Mr. Dogg,

What an incredible short cut. Can't believe I didn't think of that myself. But what do you suggest for someone who doesn't sit down? If you can work out the details, we will have to give it a try when you film your next episode of Coeds Gone Wild in Cancun. Is there any chance that you would let me teach a couple of those wild ones some old fashioned hovering?

Cordially Yours,

THE DOCTOR

PLOT TO CLONE BILLINGSGATE SUCCEEDS !

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Lhasa, Tibet)


DOUBLE BULLETIN! Mystic, martyr, pundit, conservative ideologist, Dr. BILLINGSGATE is all of that and more. Few people are the center of more fascination and yearning than the man once rumored to be a reincarnated homopteran. For years he lived in relative anonymity, once being mistaken for Barry Bonds.

It is ironic that it was Tibetan superstar, the Dalai Lama, who finally was able to clone BILLINGSGATE. For years he has tried to do a genetic duplicate of the only man to have acquired eleven Doctorates without spending a day in class. Now that the good DOCTOR (the clone, that is) roams the corridors of the Potala Palace in Lhasa, Tibet, it is unknown what effect this will have on intellectual growth in a part of the world best known for majestic mountains, mystical meditation and monkish maharishis muttering umbrageous mumbo-jumbo.

Unlike the cheap, knock-off Korean clone of Dr. BILLINGSGATE that was nothing but a docile replicate of the real Doctor, this Tibetan made clone is the real McCoy. Most readers probably remember that the Korean Clone lifted his leg when taking a pee. Pictures show the Tibetan clone relieving himself with both feet off the ground, a peeing tactic only Doctor BILLINGSGATE was able to master. Eventually, with the proliferation of BILLINGSGATE clones reaching pandemic numbers, most everyone will be trying to do this.

HINT: Being able to hover is a prerequisite. So until you master this interesting maneuver, you will undoubtedly trickle on yourself.

OVER and OUT from the DOCTOR.

ps: Was this JOURNAL worth waiting for or not?