Chancellor Lifts Exotic Dancer Ban

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Cayman Islands)

LATE BREAKING BULLETIN: From the Chancellery of LaFontaine College, Dr. Jacque LaFontaine XXII, a direct descendent of the founder of the College, issued the following proclamation: "In keeping with the tradition of LaFontaine College, the ban on exotic dancers performing for our students has been lifted for financial reasons."

The chancellor readily admits that in addition to his position at the College, he owns a stable of a dozen or more exotic dancers whom he rents out to supplement his paltry salary. In denying that he has a conflict of interest, he does point out that if young male students need that kind of titillation now, he fears that when they reach his age they may be so jaded that they might take up more mundane hobbies, such as golf or fishing, resulting in his financial demise.

In lifting the ban he cited the upcoming basketball game between the Wedgies and the Duke Blue Devils as being the underlying factor. In a confidential memo that he received from his counterpart at Duke University, Dr. Whippleton Xenos, it was requested that he bring his exotic dancers with him for a private showing so that the dancers could personally exemplify the moral dichotomy of their profession.

According to Dr. Xenos, who has been known to receive students in his office unencumbered by the restraints of clothing, the 2006 Duke student handbook is ambiguous on the subject of exotic dancers. He cites the following paragraphs as examples:

Para: 144.05 Retention of Exotic Dancers for off campus events: No exotic dancers shall be retained solely for the purpose of getting naked and slithering around provocatively. If however some community service is performed such as redistributing money from wealthy elitist students to impoverished dancers who use the money to feed their family, this shall be considered exculpatory.

Para: 144.06 Treatment of Exotic Dancers while on Premises: No one shall leer at, make suggestive comments to, or attempt to convince dancers to use household items such as brooms as props for their performance unless dancers forget to bring their own sex toys to embellish show. If any of the dancers accuse one or more of the students of leering and/or making suggestive comments, two thirds of the students witnessing the show must concur with the complainant prior to action by the Duke Student Council.

Para: 144.07 Payment of Exotic Dancers for Services Performed: Unless the dancers can produce a legal contract, signed by all parties, it shall be left to the students to decide what remuneration the dancers shall receive based on a 10 point grading list. If any question arises, the minimum rate the dancers shall receive will be no less than North Carolina's minimum wage of $5.07 per hour.

*The above paragraphs from the Duke University Student Handbook were printed with the permission of Duke University as a service to the readers of the BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL.