Ask Dr.BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

I thought it was unconscionable that anyone would try to clone you, especially those bogus clonologists from South Korea. I laughed when I saw them wheel your purported clone out and it (sic) lifted one leg to pee. Now you know how violated I felt when I was cloned.......Dolly, the Sheep Clone

Dear Ms. Dolly,

Thanks for the support. By the way, have you gotten over your disappointment when Michael Moore left you for a younger sheep clone? I guess I stopped believing anything emanating from Korea when Kim Jung Ill claimed he shot a 36 for 18 holes on his first golf outing. Keep it in the short hair.

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

I am intrigued by your clone's ability to "hover" with both feet off the ground when it (sic) pees. I found an easier way to do the same thing without hovering, and I recommend this method for those unable to levitate. Try this: Find a toilet with a very high base. If it is high enough, when you sit down to pee, your feet will not touch the ground. It works like majic, and you don't need any of that wacky tobacky to get you off the ground.......Snoop Doggy Dogg

Dear Mr. Dogg,

What an incredible short cut. Can't believe I didn't think of that myself. But what do you suggest for someone who doesn't sit down? If you can work out the details, we will have to give it a try when you film your next episode of Coeds Gone Wild in Cancun. Is there any chance that you would let me teach a couple of those wild ones some old fashioned hovering?

Cordially Yours,

THE DOCTOR