Ask Dr. BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: This attempt to reach out to the unwashed has been one of the most popular features of the Journal. Your letters are a constant reminder to me of how lucky I am to be blessed with eleven Doctorates, while most of you struggle with literacy.

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

I have been waiting to ask these questions. What is your first name and when will you be in my area? I would love to show you my tattoos.........Madonna

Dear Ms. Madonna,

I will show you mine if you will show me yours......just kidding. Anyway, my full name is Chillinout Viscount Billingsgate. I would love to see your tattoos, especially the one of the chicken's butt in the middle of your tummy. Also, if you tell me where your area is, I will tell you where I am most sensitive. Thanks for your interest.

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

Why do always speak in pejorative terms when you are discussing Hillary Clinton? She thinks very highly of you.....Janet Reno

Dear Mr. Reno,

What makes you believe that I don't admire her. I love the way she does the Woodpecker Waltz when Slick Willie is carrying on with those black folk. It also turns me on when she screams. Reminds me of the time I was in the jungle surrounded by a pack of female babboons, all fighting for a ride on Dr. B's banana boat.

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

Do you really believe that the Big Dipper had sex with 20,000 of his closest female fans? He told me at the time that what happens in the NBA stays in the NBA. So why did he write this book?......A very disappointed groupie

Dear Ms. Groupie,

I have a hunch that he wasn't lying. Have you noticed how tall the average basketball player is today? What he meant by "what happens in the NBA stays in the NBA" is that you would be passed on to the next available Philadelphia Warrior on the roster. Sorry you misinterpreted him. In answer to your last question, I believe that he wrote this book to get the attention that he didn't get when he was short and ugly in pre-school.