Ask Doctor BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)


Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

I read with considerable interest your success in warding off camel driven terrorists (Camelians) by spraying curdled lion urine on your outposts. Might I ask you your recipe for this special brew. You never know where those bastards might hit us again....... Rummy

Dear Rummy,

To one cup of fresh lion urine squeezed from the bladder of an alpha male lion, mix one cup of .......Wait a second! How do I know you are really Don Rumsfield? You could be Teddy Kennedy looking for a new cocktail recipe for all I know. Perhaps my underhanded sidekick, Detrick "Dirty Trick" Detwiler should check you out. "Sic em, Detrick."......gggrrrrh!

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

Last week you indulged us by revealing your first and middle name. I find it ironic that your parents chose "Chillinout Viscount" to identify you. That is so British. Are you of royal birth or was your mother a fish monger?.....Prince Charles

Dear Prince Charles,

This is a riddle for you to figure out. Your mother's brother was the son of my father's jackass cousin (from the House of Windsor, of course) where you got your jug ears. Which means that if someone had turned my father's jackass cousin inside out, your freakin ears would be sticking out your asshole so you could hear your farts before you smelled them....Any more questions?

NOTE: As you might have determined, the Doctor has little tolerance for the House of Windsor. To soothe his wounded psyche, the Doctor has prescribed a long holiday for himself and his vassals.