Doublehump Golf and Spa

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Scottsdale, Arizona)

STOP THE PRESSES! This is worse than I ever imagined. The controversy that has erupted over the publishing of caricatures of the Prophet Mohammed, especially the one depicting him with a bomb in his bonnet, has fundamentalist Muslims threatening to go nuttier than even they can remember. It makes one wonder what these zealots would do if they had to deal with anti-Christian art such as "Piss Jesus" or the depicting of the Virgin Mary floating around on turds and discarded vaginas? And this (art) is being supported by tax payers like you and me. Whoa deta!

Thank God someone has put this into perspective. To counter the counter fatwas issued by the Hamas, bin Laden and other bearded despots, the Chamber of Commerce of Scottsdale, Arizona has renamed Camelback Mountain. This landmark has been officially renamed, Doublehump Mountain. Yes, these brave and hardy Zonies have decided to combat terrorism by eliminating any reference to or connection with the Middle East. If camels are a stretch, so be it. Ideologically, the Zonies have a point. President Bush did call for the world to unite not only against the terrorists, but also those who aid and abet the terrorists. Camels certainly fit the bill as far as I am concerned.

Here's the dilemma though. The luxury hotels and spas that proudly display the name, "Camelback" in their promotional literature are now faced with a marketing problem. Will the big spenders who frequent these joints spend their filthy lucre if the resorts change their name to "Doublehump." Can you imagine travel literature touting the serenity of spending a weekend with your significant other at the luxurious DOUBLEHUMP INN?

BULLETIN: Dude, we got a problem. For those whose ardor would be satiated by a singlehump destination, what might happen if they were forced to double their expectations? We are now talking Heart Attacksville, Stroke City, USA. At the very least, diarrhea. And this ain't Kansas, Dude. Where you can call 911. We're talking cactus, rattlers and desert mirages, pardner.

Anyone who claims that he could have predicted that the "legs" of the original fatwa story might end up in Scottsdale is quite frankly either a liar or an idiot. This is not just another BILLINGSGATE factoid. It is a statistic. Check the New York Times if you want to read Broadway reviews. If you just want the facts, pick up the BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL. You shall not be disappointed.