Ask Dr. BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

I have been reading your clever Lewinsky/Kaczynski limericks,
and in behalf of Major League Baseball, I would like to offer this for your baseball fans. I think it might be a home run......Commissioner Bud Sigel

From Tinker to Evers to Chance
We knew the results in advance
With Lewinsky and Kaczynski it was known
That someone was going to be blown
From Clinton to Letters to Chance.

Dear Bud,

Let the fans vote on this one.

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

Ha, ha. The security at McDonalds stinks. I got one of those new Hillary Clinton Bobblehead vibrators, and I ain't but 59 years old.....Nancy Pelosi

Dear Ms. Pelosi,

Congratulations, you old liberal hedgehog. You have the wrinkles of a woman twice your age. I hope that the vibrator took the edges off your crevices.

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

Since you blame Hurricane Katrina on the failure of the citizens of New Orleans to recognize the rights of dogs and cats to interbreed during the Lenten Season, what do you blame Hurricane Rita on?.........Dan Rather

Dear Mr. Rather,

I blame Hurricane Rita on the failure of you and your fellow Texans to outlaw dogs and cats from interbreeding during the rest of the year. There's entirely too many liberals running around Texas who look like dogs but scratch like cats.

McVibrator Happy Meal

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Oak Brook, Illinois)

BULLETIN: In response to criticism that senior citizens are unhappy because they are not allowed to buy the Happy Meals that include toys for children, the McDonald's Corporate Headquarter's in Oak Brook issued a statement saying that in deference to a generation of fast food addicts who grew up stuffing Big Macs and Fries down their pie holes, they would now have Adult Happy Meals on their menu. To introduce this offer, for the next six months or until 6 billion of these meals are sold, each order will include a toy size vibrator with a Hillary Clinton bobblehead attachment. Proof that you are 60 years or older will be necessary for the purchase of this Happy Meal. A spokesperson for the fastfood giant said that all precautions will be taken to prevent this toy from falling into the hands of unscrupulous adolescents who might prefer the toy to their customary oral sex.

COMMENT: Having capitalistic instincts, it is unprecedented that I would delve into corporate American affairs for subject matter. The highly respected and iconoclastic BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL has for years limited its resources and venom for liberals of all stripes. Herpetologically speaking, much of my life has been dedicated to discovering why snakes like Democratic Senators Patrick (Permasmile) Leahy and Joe (Big Smile, No Conscience) Biden always smile before they strike.

Therefore, and appropriately, it is with deep regret that I request all faithful JOURNAL readers join me in a tertiary boycott of all McDonalds restaurants until the Hillary Clinton Bobblehead Vibrator is removed from their menu, even if delivered in a discreet brown bag. Join with the majority of Americans who live in the red heartlands of our great and moral country. Vote with your feet. When you see a Golden Arch, walk the other way.

Japanese avenge Hiroshima

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Pocatello, Idaho)

BULLETIN: Just when you think you have everything figured out, someone comes up with a theory that out trumps even the esteemed and blessedly bizarre explanation of natural phenomena by yours truly, Dr. BILLINGSGATE. It was I who first blamed the devastation of New Orleans by Hurricane Katrina on the failure of the citizens of this decadent city to recognize the rights of dogs and cats to interbreed during the Lenten Season, causing among other things, the differential exchange of the Winter Solstice with the Summer Solstice. Predictably, this transfer of solstices exacerbated traditional ying yang weather patterns and there you have it; the inward pouching suck of a city going down the drain.

Well, that theory has been blown out of the water by Pocatello weatherman, Scott Stevens. Stevens blames the Japanese Mafia for Hurricane Katrina. Since Katrina, Stevens has been quoted in an Associated Press story as saying that the Yakusa, the Mafia like gangstas that control organized crime in Japan, used a Russian made electromagnetic generator to cause Hurricane Katrina; this to avenge the 1945 atomic bomb attack on Hiroshima. He even espoused this theory on the Fox News Bill O'Reilly show.

Although Stevens never discussed his weather theories on the air, his belief that scalar weapons and global dimming were factual, not scientific fringe phenomena, attracted many followers, some of whom also believe weed has medicinal properties.

Stevens wrote on his web site: "The Soviets boasted of their geoengineering capabilities; these impressive accomplishments must be taken at face value simply because we are observing weather events that simply have never occurred before, never!" He goes on. " The evidence of these weapons at work found within the clouds overhead is simply unmistakable. These patterns and odd geometric shapes seen in our skies, each and every day, are clear and present evidence that our weather has been stolen from us, only to be used by those whose design for humanity are rarely in alignment with that of the common man."

For some reason, I believe this guy is on to something, especially with Hurricane Rita raising further havoc. To read more about Stevens and his thoughts on manipulated weather, check out his Web Site at: www.weatherwars.info.

Schwarzenegger Chooses Running Mate

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Sacramento)

BULLETIN: Caliafornia Governator Arnold Swarzenegger electrified conservatives in the State by announcing that he plans to run for re-election next year. Surprising everyone with his ability to speak without using steroids to hide his Neo-Nazi accent, the former Mr. Universe named yours truly as his running mate. Although conventional wisdom dictated that the position of Lieutenant Governator be filled by a gender neutral, or at least a transgender, non-documented Hispanic with otherwise impeccable credentials, Arnold crossed over political protocol by naming Dr. BILLINGSGATE for this important post.

BULLETIN: Dr. BILLINGSGATE refuses to run, declaring that the skeletons in his closet were left there for a purpose.

BULLETIN: The ABLE-DANGER UNIT story that will not go away. This unit that was secretly formed by the Pentagon to track and observe the wherabouts of the Islamic Terrorists during the 90's did the job so well that both the former Clinton Administration, the Bushies, and now the 9/11 Commission and the Pentagon, are all trying to cover up the story and discredit the whistle blowers who disregarded orders and their future careers in the military to get this important story out. Evidently they had broken the code and discovered well before 9/11 that 4 or 5 of the Islamic (dissidents) were plotting to hijack commercial planes and run them into our landmark buildings.

Now, it appears, the Pentagon is flip-flopping on it's original story which disclaimed the story as a hoax and is now saying that the documents that 5 different sources claimed would verify the existence of the disclosure were destroyed because they were "TOP SECRET." Why, I ask, is everyone treating this story like a hot potato? The easy answer is that it cuts across everyone's denial that they had knowledge of these ragheads and their plot to bomb America.

BULLETIN: He can run but he can't hide. Dr. BILLINGSGATE will follow this story until the truth comes out. Slick Willy and his slippery side-kicks are up to their arses in this one, and who knows if that was what Sandy Berger was trying to hide when he stuffed his socks in the National Archive Building?

Ask Dr. BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

Thank you for making the appropriate grammatical correction regarding the Lewinsky ruling. I hope that the new Chief Justice will not attempt to correct this ruling once he joins the Supreme Court. She be no ho. And that's that.....Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Dear Ruthie Babe,

Judge Roberts said that he would be an umpire, not a player. The first thing I want him to do when he takes charge of the court is to make you wear a burka and then throw you out of the game so no one has to look at your sad sack again. Go back to the ACLU, you commie pinko!

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

Did you find any fruits, nuts and vegetables when you made your pilgrimage back to Nebraska?..........Big Red from Pilger, Nebraska

Dear Big Red,

I found the fruits sweet, the nuts hard and the vegetables edible. And that was just the hors d'oeuvres. The entre was even better. But thanks for asking, you old horned toad. I must have missed you at the Green Onion.

Once again, the Doctor has revealed the truth as only he knows it. Go Big Red!