Ask Dr. BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

I find it very interesting that you were brazen enough to challenge your kidney to "ramp it up" regarding your quest for the historic kidney stone double hat trick that undoubtedly would put you in the Stoner's Hall of Fame. This bodacious challenge smacks of a virtual contempt for the pain that comes with each passing stone. As a Board Certified Psychiatrist I would like to know how you learned to handle pain and if you have engaged in hand to hand combat with any of your other glands or organs...Dr. Pierpoint Pudpoller, MD, Chief of Psychiatry, Harvard Medical School

Dear Dr. Pudpoller,

I have read many of your erudite articles and consider it a privilege to address your questions. In response to your first question concerning my ability to look pain in the eye and not flinch, my answer is that once you understand the nature of pain, the sooner you get it over with, the better.

As to whether I have engaged in hand to hand combat with any of my other glands or organs, the answer is yes. When I was a child I performed a tonsillectomy on myself, using a Boy Scout knife and a mirror. For that I received merit badges both in carving and self reflection. Additionally, because the Boy Scout Manual requires Scouts to be morally clean, hand to hand combat with other organs would disqualify you from attending national camporees and was verboten.

The Real Doctor has spoken

World grieves passing of kidney stone

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: From Christians and Atheists, from Hindus and Muslims, from Sun Worshippers and Moon Walkers alike, from Humanists, Animists and especially from Stoners, all joined to offer words of condolence after hearing the shocking story of the passing of BILLINGSGATE's kidney stone last week.

As some remember where they were when JFK was assassinated and others recall the passing of Elvis, letters from as far away as Australia expressed the common anxiety that joined all of these disparate mourners regarding the well-being of BILLINGSGATE and his kidney stone.

Antecedent to this passing were rumors that all was not well with the blogger known affectionately to the world as BILLINGSGATE. Perhaps, it was speculated, he was slowing down with age, not quite as incisive as before the election where he had John Kerrey to pimp slap into submission. If it could happen to Dan Rather, could BILLINGSGATE survive this pecking away at his credibility?

Let me set these wild rumors aside by assuring faithful readers that not only did BILLINGSGATE survive, he climbed the mountain and reached the pinnacle that veteran stoners covet; the elusive hat trick. Yes, this was the third metabolic dysfunction produced by BILLINGSGATE's prolific kidney; a milestone in itself.

For those who care, this stone triumpvirate is as rare as completing an unassisted triple play in baseball, winning the Lotto and finding the Holy Grail, all on the same day. Such fellow luminaries as Napoleon, George Washington and Ben Franklin also achieved this extreme goal, reportedly without modern pain killers

Will BILLINGSGATE be able to complete the double hat trick before his demise? Will his kidney keep kicking while the clock keeps ticking? Let's ramp it up, baby. The record is there for the taking.

BILLINGSGATE passes kidney stone

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: It's been a slow day for breaking news. However, with the passing of another kidney stone last night, BILLINGSGATE joins with millions of fellow earthlings who have gone through this ritual only to see their life changed forever, part of themselves turned into a brittle composite of precious minerals.

I can't go on without this part of me lost forever. Story to follow.........

Ask Dr. BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

Regarding your story, "Risky Sex in the City," I find it hypocritical of you that you condemn a man for not remembering some of his sexual partners, even though he pointed out that he was on crystal meth during most of the hundreds of encounters he had in the previous weeks. I doubt if you can remember the names of all of your sexual partners while you were in the Navy in the Phillipines, and I'm just talking about the human ones.....Murph, King of the Earth

Dear Murph,

I usually don't respond to subhumans, but since I know you personally I will make an exception. Luckily, my Doctorate in Divinity helps me sail through personal assaults on my integrity without faltering.

Being a graduate of Fordham University, a Jesuit institution of higher learning, you should be well versed in Thomistic Philosophy and therefore be familiar with the Summa Theologica. In the Summa, the question is asked, "Can the irascible and concupiscible powers be the subject of virtue?" The answer being that they cannot be, for those powers are common to us and dumb animals.

It follows then that there is an absolute and moral distinction between having sex with a consenting primate as long as the primate is more intelligent than a meth head who satisfies his concupiscible appetite by having group sex with hundreds of his diseased ridden, anonymous friends.

Ergo, even though the chickens may sometimes come home to roost, their irascible and concupiscible powers cannot be the subject of virtue. Therefore, your specious accusations, although cunning, contribute nothing according to the Summa.

The Doctor has once again spoken.

Risky Sex in the City

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline New York City)

BULLETIN: Something is desparately wrong in Gotham City. When the NYC Department of Health issued a warning last week that they were examining a new and more virulent strain of HIV/AIDS virus that resists all current drug treatments, all hell broke loose. Doctors who issued the warnings are now defending the Department from critics who claim that these warnings unfairly inhibit sexual practices between consenting male homosexuals.

Please carefully read the next paragraph and repeat after me that you think something is morally wrong with this behavior:

From the New York Times it was reported that that "Two male contacts are cooperating with investigators and are among hundreds of men with whom the New York City man told health officials he has had sex in recent weeks while using crystal methamphetamine. The New York man who sparked the investigation is cooperating with city health officials but apparently does not know the names of all his partners."

Does anyone besides BILLINGSGATE find it unsettling that in a extremely personal encounter between one man and hundreds of consenting men, all apparently who fell head over heels for him, this unnamed man cannot remember the names of all his partners. Damn it. It's always the devil in the details. And I thought crystal meth helped one to clarify his thoughts.

Dr. Thomas Frieden, the commissioner of the NYC Department of Health said that too much risky sex takes place in which methamphetamine use plays a role. I guess that dispels my thesis that meth makes you think clearer.

Concerning the uproar that came from offended sodomites who felt restricted by having to practice safe sex, Dr. Frieden was forced to counter their squeals of protest by saying that "anyone who suggests that the Department issued the warning to scare the public into behaving more responsibly was absolutely wrong."

Evidently the warning was issued in order to give meth heads who practice risky sex a tap on the shoulder and a "tut tut." For the unlucky hundreds who stood in line to have anonymous sex with this guy, better luck next time.

Big Indian trouble at Colorado U.

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline Boulder, Colo)

BULLETIN: At the Trading Post in Boulder, wampum is being traded for beads and fire water is being consumed recklessly as the natives debate whether Professor Ward "Lying Buffalo" Churchill is a white man or an Indian. Not since football recruits were forced to prove their virtuosity by simultaneously chugging beer and humping lap dancers without spilling liquids from either container has there been such a furious debate by Colorado University students and faculty.

Is this really a racial situation or is it a tempest in a tepee? Could it be that Churchill is still pissed because he was forced to stop selling black velvet paintings of Karl Marx smoking a peace pipe with Sitting Bull. Evidently he couldn't prove that he belonged to any federally recognized tribe and was left with an inventory of 200 of these "Indian art" masterpieces.

Lying Buffalo, as he shall now be known to BILLINGSGATE readers, once claimed to be a Vietnam war hero. Like John Kerry, he was unable to find any way to prove it. Somehow, these two idiots must have run into each other on Christmas Day in No Duc, Cambodia and became joined at the lip. A two man band of brothers playing "America the pitiful."

It seems that the troubles at Colorado began when Coach Rick Neuweisel left the Golden Buffaloes for all the gold in Seattle. Now that he has been fired by the University of Washington for alledged violations of their's and the NCAA's code of ethics, perhaps he should go back to Colorado and kick Lying Buffalo's mangy ass. Even the Cornhuskers would cheer him for doing that.

Aah. To hell with them all. A good buffalo is still a dead buffalo.

Free Speech

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: Here we go again with another absurdity to start your week off on the wrong foot. In a new position paper by the party that claims to represent the vanquished and the oppressed, the Democrats have come out against free speech. Yes, you read it correctly, against free speech. They are complaining that the Bush administration is using speeches by Senators Kennedy and Kerry, known to BILLINGSGATE readers as the Paradorx from Massachusetts, to make all Democrats look like idiots. Nothing unusual about that. Freedom of speech has always made it easier to spot idiots before they do something destructive, like get elected president.

Even the mystic powers of BILLINGSGATE can't explain why the citizens of Massachusetts keep electing these dunces. Pointing out their deficiencies every four years doesn't seem to help the liberals get it. Maybe having the Red Sox and Patriots to cheer has jellied the rest of their collective craniums.

Who knows why a state would tax itself into submission? Taking money from the rich to support the poor has always been a Bolshevik goal. As Marx said, "From each according to his ability to each according to his need." Those who follow this doctrine are more difficult to find as opposed to those who proclaim it. I have never met a rich Democrat who didn't itemize his expenses while filing his taxes. Another paradox? For sure.

Ask Dr. BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

I wrote to you earlier concerning a one night stand I had with Michael Moore at the Canne Film Festival. I was young and naive as most clones are, and because of his stature I was easy prey for his charms. He pulled the wool right over my eyes and took my maidenhood from me. And now he won't even return my calls. What do you suggest I do to regain his love?...Dolly the Sheep Clone

Dear Dolly,

Thank you for keeping your question pithy with just a smathering of voyeuristic content to keep my readers titilated. My Doctorate degrees in Animal Husbandry, Advanced Cloning and Taxidermy should prove vital in my advice.

First, you must be made aware that Michael Moore is a wolf in sheep's clothing, albeit yours. If you have not bathed since your encounter, I recommened that you wash this man right out of your life, preferably with Woolite.

Secondly, because France has no law prohibiting animal husbandry, any attempt to go through the courts to seek restitution for your loss of maidenhood to Mr. Moore will be met with futility. However, since you are probably the first sheep clone to be shorn of this very sacred gift by a man of his stature, videos of the encounter could prove valuable, either for commerce or blackmail. You have heard of Paris Hilton, have you not? With the right agent you could be a star.

Third, Taxidermally speaking, if you and your paramour would like to have your historic rendezvous memorialized, perhaps we could have you both mounted, stuffed and displayed in the Smithsonian Museum next to Monica Lewinsky's dress.

The Doctor has spoken.

Ask DR. BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: The extremely popular "Ask DR. BILLINGSGATE" column was unable to make it's deadline today because of a golf appointment. The letter chosen was written by a very despondent Dolly the Sheep Clone concerning efforts to reach her former lover, movie producer and petophile, Michael Moore. This heartbreaking cry for help by the forlorn Dolly will be answered by DR. BILLINGSGATE at another date. Sorry for the delay.

A Paradorx from Massachusetts

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

BULLETIN: Having been severely castigated by readers on two different fronts regarding The Three Stooges blog, it is now necessary to clear the air.

Regarding Ted Kennedy, a reader from San Diego said that Teddy didn't graduate from Harvard. Upon checking his biography it was found that he did indeed graduate from this Ivy League bastion of integrity. After first being suspended for hiring someone to take his Spanish final in 1951, he entered the Army and served 2 years attached to SHAPE Headquarters in Paris where he first learned to kiss French ass (or French kiss ass). Pick your favorite. Eventually he re-entered Harvard and graduated in 1956 and went on to get a Law Degree at the University of Virginia.

The other reader asked why I included Massachusetts Congressman Barney Frank as one of the Three Stooges. BILLINGSGATE apologizes for taking this literary license because Barney Frank has not as yet made any reported comment on the Iraqi election. He was thrown into the mix solely because I needed a name to fill out the troika. He was the third leg of a two legged stool and was needed to provide the THONK! to the skulls of the real Stooges, Johnny and Teddy. Also, he appeared to be the most likely one to WOOB! WOOB! while having his nose pulled through a keyhole. Again, I apologize.

BULLETIN: I hope everyone is satisfied with the amended title. For those readers savvy enough to be literate, please do not write me to say that the plural of "paradox" is not "paradorx". BILLINGSGATE was born at night, but not last night. If you keep bitching every time I loosen up with the English language, I will never have time to discuss the issues. Give me a break!