Ask Dr. BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

I find it very interesting that you were brazen enough to challenge your kidney to "ramp it up" regarding your quest for the historic kidney stone double hat trick that undoubtedly would put you in the Stoner's Hall of Fame. This bodacious challenge smacks of a virtual contempt for the pain that comes with each passing stone. As a Board Certified Psychiatrist I would like to know how you learned to handle pain and if you have engaged in hand to hand combat with any of your other glands or organs...Dr. Pierpoint Pudpoller, MD, Chief of Psychiatry, Harvard Medical School

Dear Dr. Pudpoller,

I have read many of your erudite articles and consider it a privilege to address your questions. In response to your first question concerning my ability to look pain in the eye and not flinch, my answer is that once you understand the nature of pain, the sooner you get it over with, the better.

As to whether I have engaged in hand to hand combat with any of my other glands or organs, the answer is yes. When I was a child I performed a tonsillectomy on myself, using a Boy Scout knife and a mirror. For that I received merit badges both in carving and self reflection. Additionally, because the Boy Scout Manual requires Scouts to be morally clean, hand to hand combat with other organs would disqualify you from attending national camporees and was verboten.

The Real Doctor has spoken