Ask Dr. BILLINGSGATE

BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL (Dateline San Diego)

Dear Dr. BILLINGSGATE,

I wrote to you earlier concerning a one night stand I had with Michael Moore at the Canne Film Festival. I was young and naive as most clones are, and because of his stature I was easy prey for his charms. He pulled the wool right over my eyes and took my maidenhood from me. And now he won't even return my calls. What do you suggest I do to regain his love?...Dolly the Sheep Clone

Dear Dolly,

Thank you for keeping your question pithy with just a smathering of voyeuristic content to keep my readers titilated. My Doctorate degrees in Animal Husbandry, Advanced Cloning and Taxidermy should prove vital in my advice.

First, you must be made aware that Michael Moore is a wolf in sheep's clothing, albeit yours. If you have not bathed since your encounter, I recommened that you wash this man right out of your life, preferably with Woolite.

Secondly, because France has no law prohibiting animal husbandry, any attempt to go through the courts to seek restitution for your loss of maidenhood to Mr. Moore will be met with futility. However, since you are probably the first sheep clone to be shorn of this very sacred gift by a man of his stature, videos of the encounter could prove valuable, either for commerce or blackmail. You have heard of Paris Hilton, have you not? With the right agent you could be a star.

Third, Taxidermally speaking, if you and your paramour would like to have your historic rendezvous memorialized, perhaps we could have you both mounted, stuffed and displayed in the Smithsonian Museum next to Monica Lewinsky's dress.

The Doctor has spoken.